WHEN I'M 64...NANCY IN SRI LANKA

Bad Nancy

2011-07-26T07:28:00.000-07:00

So it's like I was never in Sri Lanka and I have easily fallen into disgrace. Yesterday I was with my cousin Helene and we were listening to Vince Gill a Country Western singer who is singing with James Taylor at Tanglewood on Monday along with Amy Grant; I commented that I thought Country Western singers have ugly names. I also commented that not only did Conway Twitty have an ugly name but he was ugly. I also had commented earlier in the day that Omar Kadafi was ugly. Helene could not stop commenting on what a superficial being I was, talking about people's looks and names rather then the music they sang. To make matters worse, later in the day I asked to borrow a soap dish to carry in my beautiful pink plaid utility bag and she took out a bright YELLOW soap dish and of course I said something like that would look ugly with my pink case! The shame I now have to endure..my true superficiality has come out. It didn't bother me squatting to pee or having no toilet paper or only cold water showers or people who couldn't buy the smallest item, like a soap dish, due to poverty..
On the other hand, I am hugely bothered by the ease of waste here and the lack of thought about it. I was bothered in India but we know better here. People's comfort seem so much more important than the future of the species. I too get into it, I forget to turn off lights, I take long, hot showers, I have quickly forgotten how part of my daily routine was to boil water and then pour it thru a filter before I could drink it. It is so easy to forget.
I find I am not laughing as much. I more quickly get into being a bit annoyed at this or that infraction of life's minor trials especially interpersonal ones. I am ashamed of that. Life is soooo easy, it's crazy to not just be in the moment and joyous..I really have no problems.
As a matter of fact I am feeling that having no problems isn't enough, I need to be planning something. I am thinking of running a contest for what is Nancy's future. I certainly can't sit around forever just having fun and filling my days with going on trips and lunches, dinners, lunches, brunches..firstly, I am putting on weight, secondly although I am not a person who get's bored and can always occupy my time even living in someone else's house, there eventually needs to be a purpose. I am not feeling a lack of structure per say. I think it will feel good to be in my own home and after unpacking the 2 huge boxes which, after 4 months, have finally arrived from Sri Lanka, I see it will take me weeks to find places to put all the stuff I didn't realize I bought over the time I was there and will need to be put somewhere; anyway even with all that, a purpose must be found..TBC
I have been forced to purchased an adorable car, a Honda Fit in white and I love her, her name is Baby. My GPS is named Sadie. Speaking of Sadie my great niece, I have also learned a new word from her which, since I have returned home, I find I have used a lot..the word coined by her is FLUFFING as in "Oh daddy, stop fluffing!"
,

Too Easy!!

2011-06-16T06:43:00.000-07:00

What a royal welcome home! My sister Roberta and my cousins Helene and Lyn were at Logan airport with a bright pink boa, a welcome home poster with all things i missed like bagels, western toilet, cheeses, pizza, breads and a washing machine on it; and to top it all off, a diamond tiara to wear on my head. I wore it all evening. I really felt like a queen.
I have been back a little over a week and it feels like a month. I slipped right in and it is disturbing as if Sri Lanka never happened. I am missing my life there, my friends, the staff, the patients, the routineness of day to day life in a rural town where there were so many hellos as I walked thru the streets, my routine in general; yet I am totally comfortable here and easily slipped into American life. I have been very busy with fixing cameras, computers, getting glasses, shopping for a car, spending money in general seems very, very easy! Supermarket shopping was really overwhelming. There are soooo many products and choices. It is too easy to get everything here.
The weekend was spent at my stepson Scott's 50th birthday party, the reason I came back when I did. I loved seeing the kids, family, Mari..that was so sad, so sad. What felt great was seeing all the grandkids and being welcomed and wanted and playing and laughing and making fun of their aging parents!
It feels too easy to slip back into running water right out of the tap, no boiling, no filtering. It is too easy to step into a hot shower that is actually hot and runs as long as you like. There is also always toilet paper when you use a toilet, I don't have to remember to carry packets of tissues everywhere and I never have to squat, it's too easy to throw my clothes in a tub and they magically get washed; and I don't have to get carsick driving on unpaved roads that go to where you want them to eventually like 7 hours later.
Of course I have neglected to mention my final adventure in Sri Lanka which happened on my last night there. My wonderful priest friend invited me to spend my last evening with him (truth is I invited me). He lives near the airport so VSO drove me from Badulla to his house and he graciously took me to the airport at 2:30 AM. We had a lovely evening and then I laid down for a few hours. It was very hot so I laid down on my tummy with little on. When I arrived in London, I became vaguely aware of feeling itchy and by the time I got home, I was very itchy on my front torso only..next morning I diagnosed myself with bedbug bites! Fortunately, I had put nothing but myself on the bed so I didn't transport any and I had a reminder of Sri Lanka for days to come!
It took several days to unpack my 2 suitcases filled with stuff. I had forgotten that I had filled my cousin Helene's closet and drawers with other stuff..what is all this stuff???? Probably half of it is a waste. What is frightening is that I shipped two boxes of stuff that has yet to come..oy veh or ai ow...what will I do with that!!!
So the questions: am I retired, when am I going back to NY, am I going to work, when am I going out West or South, what is my next trip, am I going to volunteer again, what am i doing with my life, how will I pay my bills???????????? Most important question, what should I do with my blog..I am open to suggestions....

THIS IS IT!

2011-06-03T02:44:00.000-07:00

It's happening way to fast. I am leaving here Sunday, probably never to return. 6 months ago it felt right, now it is too fast, too soon, I am too ambivalent. I now know what true ambivalence is. Each time I am with Lakshmi, Samantha or Roshani, the nurses I am close to, I tear up. On the other hand, Baby is not ambivalent at all. She was taken to Roshani's house 2 weeks ago and when I was invited for dinner on Wednesday eve. and saw her she wasn't exactly unfriendly but she clearly loved them more! The 2 children abuse her but she doesn't run away. She hung out with them, she snuggled..I still think she is here, seeing her in shadows as I go from room to room.
Today is my last work day and it is the culmination of the 6 month mental health course started in December for all staff. Everyone is getting a certificate. Certificates are big here, people love them even if it is just for attending a half day of something. I had really nice ones printed on beautiful paper with the logos of the EU and VSO on them. They were signed by Dr. P. and me. Before the last 2 weeks I was sort of wrapping things up, writing reports, making sure today would be ready, separating myself from things. Then I went on my last weekend vacation to the beach. I had a very busy few days in Colombo at meetings but also saying goodbyes to the staff and Volunteers. They had a Thank You cake at the office and Anne, another volunteer had a party at her house to which a lot of volunteers AND staff came to. I had been advised not to expect staff, they never come to these things, so I was quite flattered and happy. On Sunday, I came back to Badulla and I have had no time! Each evening I have been invited out to dinner to the homes of the various nurses and last night, Dr. P and the doctors took me to a restaurant where we could actually bring wine and drink with our dinner! Ancy and I were the only women drinkers. We got into talking about the culture here. We talked about calling whoever is in charge Sir and standing up when those people walk by. I am so embarrassed when patients' families sometimes stand up when I walk by. I started thinking about the US in the 50s and thinking about when I was coming of age in the 60s and life felt like it was changing and growing and modernizing..there was great hope and I remember thinking naively how once things go forward they don't go backward because there is too much information and how it would never be the 50s again with McCarthyism and narrow mindedness, how the country had moved beyond that; and now it is happening again, the ethics and moral of our country are regressing and I feel so sad and afraid to come home.
Anyway, the days are totally filled with finishing final notes for the Psychiatrist, the Nurse Master, VSO, whatever..in any case, as I said it is Friday morning and guess what? I have not packed yet..but I am very organized as you can see from my final list.
Today I am somewhat anxious. I am going to be dressed in a Sari by Lakshmi and we are having a ceremony. We were supposed to end the program with lunch but all of the money we budgeted for it ended up going to decorating lanterns for Vesak for the competition at the hospital (we came in 3rd). So we used the food money. I was going to offer to get food anyway and then decided I needed to let everyone live by their decisions, we spent the money as they chose. I have a feeling people will bring stuff anyway. To be continued....

I am so overcome after this morning, I can barely pull it together. Lakshmi dressed me in a Sari. The staff made a party and a member of each group said some beautiful things and I gave out the certificates and then they presented me with this amazing plaque for my work with them. That's when I lost it. Then I cried and as the rest of my time there went on other staff got teary eyed and one of the nurses who has hardly every talked to me and never showed any interest, came to the ward and had tears and thanked me and cried. I was really shocked. I have never felt so useful, appreciated or valued as I have felt this last year and a half. I have also figured out how to ensure I keep feeling it; I just have to keep having good bye parties. I just had good bye parties from New York and Boston and now Colombo and Badulla, I could just go to new places and after getting to know people and being sweet for a while, I leave and they throw me a good bye party and say nice things about me!!!!

I'm over it!

2011-05-15T21:26:00.000-07:00

Okay, I am over it. I got so much feedback basically reminding me that I am taking this PERSONALLY. It is totally true. I fell into this subjective place where I made myself the center and got so disappointed and angry as if the future of this place is good or bad because of me! I lost perspective. One volunteer sent me this and I think it is so wonderful as a reminder to everyone:
"There once was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work. One day he was walking along the shore, as he looked down the beach, he saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself to think of someone who would dance to the day and he began to walk faster to catch up.

As he got closer, he saw that it was a young man, and the young man wasn’t dancing, but instead he was reaching down to the shore, picking up something, and very gently throwing it into the ocean.

He called out, “Good morning, what are you doing?”

The young man paused, looked up and replied, “Throwing starfish into the ocean.”

“I guess I should have asked: WHY are you throwing starfish in the ocean?”

“The sun is up and the tide is going out. And if I don’t throw them then they’ll die.”

“But, young man, don’t you realize that there are miles and miles of beach and starfish all along it. There must be thousands of them on this beach alone. You can’t possibly hope to make a difference!”

The young man listened politely, then bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it into the sea, past the breaking waves and said, “To THAT one, it made a difference.” "

Actually, even hoping my presence made a difference to one starfish is still personalizing it but it is a wonderful story! I can look back over this time, which I have done little of yet, but looking back over the times that I got a bit blue or angry or teary and I think it was when I got off center of what I was here to do. I personalized. Such a good lesson to hold onto. I asked 8 or 9 of the staff to evaluate me, VSO sent reference forms. I asked some nurses, doctors, MSW, support staff to write them. 2 of the staff said my resilienceh was good rather then excellent because of my behavior around the bars being put up. It was so unSri Lankan to have an emotional reaction and to talk about it for 2 days! I have a list of things I still hoped to talk to the Consultant Psychiatrist and the new Master about. I am not sure I shall talk to them now. None of it is new, hasn't been said, it is stuff more to remind them..I am going to redo the posters that I had done in the beginning for all the staff and hope they will put them up where they will see them but that is up to them. The posters said:

TREAT PATIENTS WITH DIGNITY, RESPECT, EQUALITY AND AFFECTION AS YOU WOULD A LOVED ONE.

I am getting ready to go in the same organized way that I got ready to come. I already shipped over 50 pounds of "stuff" so I really don't have that much to organize. I have reports to write and things to complete and a bit of sorting so I am doing something each day to move forward.
One of the nurses asked me if I had seen the lanterns one of the patients was making on his own. She said as soon as he started making them he became normal. Having an activity made such a difference! Maybe one starfish?

Heartbroken

2011-05-06T02:53:00.000-07:00

Well a few days ago I said in my blog that I was ambivalent about leaving, now, a few days later, I am not. I am ready to go. In the last 3 days, literally, the nurses have had constructed, essentially, a prison for the women patients and they had a patient who was due to go home tied to the bed because she was wandering (wanting to go home). It feels like my work here was a waste if the basic lesson of kindness and empathy for patients has not penetrated. I have failed in the one way I thought I was successful, and it couldn't be more blatant. The new Master is a tyrant, half the staff is talking about leaving, our wonderful doctor S. is hoping to transfer to be able to do more community work, our new Community Psychiatric Nurse who was especially selected (basically by me) is not being able to do her work and has asked to leave; she is up at night, not eating, worrying, feels unsupported by the other nurses, she needs to leave. Even our Consultant Psychiatrist, Dr. P, was describing the childish behavior of the other consultants, really like squabbling children and of course that leaves patients without care as passively fight over who is responsible for seeing them. Little discussion happens between anybody to try to come to a more neutral place, people don't talk about things here, they just act out. Maybe it is this way everywhere and I am very naive, it is possible I suppose. I thought I was a realist but maybe I am a hidden idealist so I get so disappointed or maybe I don't understand the culture still, enough, or resistance to change or....
I can learn new things however. I have always watched people brushing their teeth and been amazed that they can walk around and not get wet, foamy toothpaste all over the place. I finally figured out what I do wrong; when I put the toothpaste on the brush, I run it under the water before moving it to my mouth..it's so automatic that now I have to be very conscious not to do it. I am now much neater at brushing and almost as a reward I get fewer ants in my sink if I forget to clean up the toothpaste because there is less of it!
One of the staff, a guy who politically I am the most connected to, asked me if I wanted a party to celebrate Osama Bin Laden's death. I was horrified. In my mind his death can lead to more death as a reaction to his death, I can't celebrate that. I have recently read this wonderful article about Paul Chappell in my favorite magazine, THE SUN. He wages peace. When I get home, I am going to study more about this. This doesn't mean I am against killing when necessary or being strategic to get the bad guys. It does seem that money, power and greed are behind most bad stuff, for the leaders I really doubt it is religious or political idealism underneath the underneath.
I finally understand the behavior of one person I work with that for all this time didn't quite make sense to me. I now understand that without really admitting it or even being conciously aware of it, this person, an Asian, is racist towards whites. I really am naive. My landlord this morning asked me about my camera and I was telling him about a shop in town that had cameras for sale, he said no, not there, you can't trust the moslems! It never ends (the isms).

FUN AND GAMES

2011-05-01T22:13:00.000-07:00

Just heard Osama Bin Laden is dead. I am glad about that but I am not jumping for joy. The world feels, America feels, so dangerous to me now..anyway, not what this blog is about today. I have been putting off writing, not sure why but maybe it has something to do with the fact that all of a sudden I have hardly any time left here. I don't feel miserable but I don't feel happy. It is happening too fast. When I made the decision to leave after 1 1/2 years, I was feeling like it was enough, I had done what I could do and as time went on I must admit, I had done as much as I wanted to do. Then, I don't know, there is so much to do, I have so many reports to write and meetings to have and things to do, I am running out of time. I have my e ticket home, I have my final meetings set up at VSO and yesterday, Anne one of the volunteers I am friendly with, offered to have a goodbye party for me at her home in Colombo before I leave and I am thinking, I just had going away parties in the States, it feels like yesterday..Staff here are really sad and I know that it is highly unlikely that I shall ever see these people again and now I am sorry I am not staying until December but I suppose it would feel the same then as it feels now. Ironically, in the last week I have met several new volunteers who came after January and I just had an opportunity to spend time with them. 4 of them (2 volunteers and their spouses) are Canadian..finally I felt like I was with people who spoke the same language as me, we had a great time together and well, this is life I suppose..so to cope, I am dangling carrots in front of myself, I have several weeks booked to travel already when I go home as well as James Taylor tickets at Tanglewood. Oh well, fiddle de de, I shall think about it all in November.
What I wanted to describe to you is what happened here over the Sinhala and Tamil New Year a couple of weeks ago. Dr. S. had described to me that in his family meaning parents, wife, siblings, cousins etc. they celebrated by having "fun and games". He described essentially the kind of games we play with children at birthday parties: pin the tail on the donkey, greasing poles and trying to climb, ring toss etc. He was describing adults doing this..doctors..and I so wished I had been invited. (Actually I had been but was in the Maldives that day). Anyway, that week on the ward I was informed that the Friday program for staff and patients was to celebrate New Years and we were going to have FUN AND GAMES!!! It was amazing, we played 15 games: pin the eye on the elephant, fill water bottles with water and drink it, run to balloons and blow them up until they burst, be blindfolded (staff member) and feed yogurt to a patient, potato sack races..you have to imagine staff and patients participating together in this activity in Badulla, Sri Lanka where staff stands when the psychiatrist comes into the room and patients sit and do nothing if the doctors want to suddenly call meetings..it was marvelous. It reminded me of those old films of 1910 or so at county fairs where life wasn't so busy and complicated and people played games and had picnics. The greatest part of it though was that even though only 4 staff members not from psychiatry were informed to come to the program, about 50 or more ended up coming because word got around the hospital; even the head Matrons of the hospital showed up. Also stigma is always a problem in the field of psychiatry and especially at a place like ours and because of holding this activity outside, many families, patients, visitors from other departments could see us and watch how normal the patients were and how we all interacted without fear. Anyway, it was so much fun and we were all adults..how is it that in the west, these activities are only for kids' parties, we are so very sophisticated aren't we.
Well it is 10:30 am and I am not at work yet, getting texts asking if I am coming..I shall miss that a lot.

FULL OF IT!

2011-04-02T03:19:00.000-07:00

   I informed my dear cousin Helene that I would be apologizing to her publicly in this next blog. She had shared with me a couple of weeks ago that she was waking in the night, worrying about various issues. I told her that I didn't wake up worrying, I don't worry about things I can't do anything about, I do think about how to deal with things I can change. So a week or so after this talk, of course you know..I was awake at 4am feeling sad and disappointed and at wits end about how the new Master (head nurse) who I couldn't wait to take over, is behaving and how wrong I was. Once again, how many times have I said this now, once again I discover that there is little truth in much of what we are sure of. Once again I was full of shit. This is human nature, no? I am terribly upset and sad, feeling again like maybe my time here was wasted. It has certainly been baby steps if any change has occurred and of course with each new person, it is like starting over again. I am always assured that there are those that have learned and do things better to ease the suffering of the patients but to look at where things are right now in our psychiatric department, one would not know. I can say the same for the USA though. Things seem to have taken a huge step backward in terms of human rights and in the world 14 year old girls are raped and then whipped to death for being raped..I guess I feel quite discouraged by it all and am worried about going home to living a comfortable life where I can choose not to see anything or do anything about it. What can I do about it anyway if it is so hard just to get little things done here in this little section of the universe.
Don't get me wrong though, as I titled this FULL OF IT, don't think I am here slaving away and having no fun and working to the bone. I am pretty hedonistic and have now planned 5 days snorkeling in the Maldives and 4 days at a beach in the south of Sri Lanka where turtles come and lay their eggs..I am not a masochist just suffering away with the problems of the world weighing me down; I am giving myself as many perks as I can have while I am in this part of the world, namely South East Asia. I am enormously bothered by so much hate that's around though. I forgot to mention that when I was in Kochi, India, one of the highlights was to take a trip to Jewtown to see this tiny 10 person jewish community that still exists there and see the synagogue. Well, we went to Jewtown and on that day unfortunately the synagogue was closed so we couldn't go inside. I was highly disappointed and could have gone back that night. That afternoon meanwhile, I carefully reread one of the guidebooks it said that when this group of Jews arrived in India from wherever, there were already Jews living in Kochi. This group however would not mingle with that group because they were actual Indian (DARK SKINNED) Jews! I didn't go back. A few days ago I read that in Malaysia which is Sunni Muslim, they do not allow Shiite Muslims to practice their religion..this world is a joke, a joke of I know better, I am right, I am better then you.....
   Here's the difference between me, a middle class woman from America, and a middle class woman from Sri Lanka: I mentioned in the last blog that $350 was stolen from me on my trip. I wasn't happy but I essentially wrote it off as a lesson. 2 days ago, a woman was admitted to our ward after taking an overdose because she owes $350 and doesn't know how she will ever pay it.
(As an aside, yesterday this woman was all smiles because her brother gave her the money; I have mentioned before how high the suicide rate is her because people don't talk they just take poison instead!).
   Yesterday I mailed 24KG (53 lbs.) worth of chotskes (stuff) home and it only cost me 10,075 lkr ($91). I thought that was pretty good. We shall see if it arrives..in 2 to 3 months. I have some books to recommend. I just finished a book and am longing for the characters, think about them a lot; the book is The Elegance of the Hedgehog. It is a little preachy at times but I really attached to the people. The other 2 books are mysteries, just came out here so I don't know if they are available there, but if you have an interest in really understanding what So. East Asia is like they capture it: Inspector Singh Investigates: by Shamini Flint (the first 2 in the series).
   Oh, before I end..apparently I neglected to mention that I was ending my service here at 18 months which was my assignment (I thought I would extend to 2 years). My plan is to return to Boston and visit for a while, and then go to the west coast and visit for a while so that I am back in my apartment in November when my tenants leave. I am seriously thinking of flying to Seattle and then take my time traveling south by train. Sounds like a fun way to do it and get to see people..and then..we shall see!

The Misadventures of Nancy Miss

2011-03-16T06:36:00.000-07:00

   It feels like I was away for a very long time. I have been traveling around Sri Lanka and a bit of India with my oldest friend Ruth, my batch mate from Nursing School, as they would say here and her husband Lenny. Let me say, they were really good sports to come all this way, to a third world country to have very ambitious adventures with me. None of us realized that for them, it might be quite a trial with traveling exhaustion, extreme heat, terrible roads, very scary, high roads without railings, leeches, snakes (according to one member of our group), not first rate (sometimes less than pristine accommodations), lots of new situations where rolling with the punches is the way to manage etc. I have learned to pretty much ignore most things that I have no control over. It might be the heat, it might be the road, it might be leeches. I am not foolish, except one time on this trip, but I don't want to miss out on something because something could happen or because I am personally uncomfortable. This attitude has gotten me thru. The issue probably doesn't even come up in the first world. We don't have to think about it. I like how I am and feel I could manage pretty much anywhere. This was a good thing for me to learn about myself. I can however do stupid things. I got lots of leech bites when I went hiking in the beautiful Knuckles range of mountains. After that I started to have a bit of an infection where one of the bites had been and without thinking, when we were white water rafting on a river and I was invited to jump in, of course I did and stayed in a while..well, I ended up with Cellulitis and had to miss one night with my friends while I went to my home hospital and got some IV antibiotics. It was pretty bad and my friend Dr. S., one of the Psychiatrists who treated me said he was VERY nervous about letting me continue my trip since treatment should be 6 days of IVs in a hospital! I wasn't going to miss all these wonderful things I planned to see with Ruth and Len in SL and I am very healthy. It is interesting that on the day I got the leech bites (I won't describe poor Ruth's need to come into the shower and help me get all the leeches off and try to stop all the bleeding) someone stole $350 from me. It was quite a day but one of the best because the hike was so incredible and it was with a guide who was great and is coming to visit me here soon..a new friend. Not a new friend was our driver who made Lenny feel so safe because he was an excellent driver but for me was a nightmare, caring more about the trip being the way he wanted it, rather then allowing us to experience Sri Lanka the way I live in it. I was so happy though to see all the beautiful parts of SL that I had heard about; we had a wonderful safari in Yala National Park seeing elephants, leopard, birds. Actually in the rain forest I finally got to see a bird I have been wanting to see since I arrived, it was thrilling and worth the effort to get there and be in a pretty disgusting place. We went to Kerela, India which so many people have loved. I loved certain things we did and saw but I hated the filth of the place. It is called God's country but they totally disrespect their country and God by dropping every bit of trash on the ground. Plastic bottles, paper, anything, cover the landscape. This kind of disrespect for your surroundings, the people you live with, the earth is not something I can ignore. We all had a reaction to it. I had a long talk with a visiting doctor from India about it when I got back. He said there is an attitude in India of caring for oneself and one's relatives so you keep your own place clean but absolutely not a thought about anyone outside of your family so literally we would go outside the gates of a beautiful guest house, very well taken care of and step on litter all around us. Do you know that so many people are drinking water in unnecessary plastic bottles, an issue created by Pepsico and other companies to make more money, that there is a new continent floating around somewhere made up of plastic!!!!!! Is it really such a problem to refill a bottle and put a filter on your tap if, and it's a big if, your water is so bad . I have to boil and filter all my water because it really is bad. So it becomes part of your life, just another routine...sorry, I have gone off on a rant but I think as the East has to wake up, so does the West. Anyway, we ended our travel adventure with several luxurious days at one of the oldest and loveliest hotels in Colombo, it was a real treat and a perfect ending to our time together.
   On my return, there were 3 days of conferences; one full day on Sexual issues and all were a twitter. People don't really discuss sex here, even psychiatrists. In the US people freely talk about sex but don't talk about money. Here people tell me EVERYTHING about money. The other big news is that after more then a year of being told we were moving to a new ward, just built, it finally happened a few days ago. The day before the move there was Pirith chanting by the resident Buddhist monk and a monk junior (about 10yo.). Many of the staff came and we chanted, some patients came, other guests. This occurred 3 times until we actually moved everything from the old place to the new. I of course supervised until it was obvious that no one was paying me the slightest bit of attention! It is brand new and they moved in all the old stained mattresses, dirty old beds, side tables painted maybe 50 plus years ago...their equipment is the stuff thrown out of the worst of our hospitals 60 years ago. Of course there is no linen. When we moved all the patients over, it became even sadder to me because we are way over census so many women are sleeping 2 to a bed and the beds are small singles! When I talked to the consultant psychiatrist about it today he said when he was working in a medical ward he was the doctor in charge of the floor patients, the patients without beds who had to sleep on the floor! This is the country now labeled middle class.
   Wow, as I read what I have written, one would get the impression that I am not happy or having a hard time..not true. I am sad to be leaving some staff. A few of the nurses apparently don't know that I have chosen to leave after 18 months instead of 24 and they told me that they each want me to live with them for a month each so I can stay! This is what I am sad about. There is still some subtle work to do around new staff, especially our new Master! Yes, the bane of my existence here, the charge nurse has been replaced. My entire experience might have been different but who knows, there's always something or someone..anyway, I think I am going to be able to fit in a quick trip to the Maldives to snorkel and maybe a weekend at the beach, not too bad huh.

AI YO!

2011-02-06T03:53:00.000-08:00

   A couple of weeks ago I got a text from my priest friend Patrick telling me that Fr. Peter had had a heart attack and died the night before. I met Fr. Peter only 2 times, as a matter of fact, I wrote about the night I met him on one of my blogs from here, I'm sure. I had dinner with him, Patrick and another priest in their headquarters in Colombo. There is so much I don't remember in my life, so many meetings and dinners but this one has stayed with me because it was so unique to be with priests and to laugh more than I had in a long time. Mainly responsible for the laughter was Fr. Peter. He was short and stocky, intelligent, educated, sarcastic, irreverent and very funny. Our humor matched so well and we bantered thru the whole dinner. Honestly I think I fell a little in love with him that eve. The next day, out of kindness, he came to the VSO office with the train tickets I had been unable to obtain. Those were my only encounters with him in person but he is not someone I shall forget.
   So I have had a Sari blouse made for the Sari I never intended to wear. I was now going to wear it for the opening of our new hospital wing which was supposed to be tomorrow, monday; I would take a picture, all would see. Alas, that event has been postponed and I shall miss it. In any case, it's so typical of here. The hospital director told us not 2 weeks ago that the opening was scheduled for Feb. 7. That was the last any of us heard about it. I finally texted the Director on Friday who sent me back a text on Saturday saying sorry, it has been rescheduled for the 21st! So I have my blouse but what was funny was trying it on with the nurses after I got it. I picked it up and was then on the ward and several nurses said they wanted to see it on. I took off my shirt and they all started giggling and laughing. This year has been a real learning in trying not to be paranoid, not to take things personally and not assume things even have to do with me. Between the language, the culture, basically usually not knowing what's going on, any of the above is easy to happen if I don't watch it. I assumed they were laughing at my bra which looks very different from the ones they sell here. In between laughing and tugging at the blouse and hooking it, everyone checked the blouse out which is very pretty and has tight sleeves but at least they are 3/4 length. They approved. Finally they told me that they started laughing when they saw the bottom part of my back because it is so white! I am a "white" after all even though most of me has a tan.p
   Over the time I have been here, 14 months now, I have had various reactions to the lack of enthusiasm of several friends to the idea of Skyping. I have found it a miracle for me. It has made it possible to feel my connection especially to my family and to feel less isolated then I actually am. I have asked, begged, pleaded, gotten annoyed, puzzled over, became resigned, gave up talking about it with several friends in my life. I, after all, am the one away, in a strange place, without friends and family. Accommodation should be made! Honestly I just figured, out of sight out of mind, that is what is happening for people. Actually, that may be true for some and really it's OK. I am no different. I didn't consider though that Skyping could cause pain to others, that it might be too difficult, cause sadness or other less then positive reactions..it's complicated and I was selfish, human. It does feel good to know that my presence is missed by some and that I shan't come home to a friendless existence!
   My major companion is my cat, Baby. She is adorable and is now bringing home birds and rats to play with! We also now have the company of the cat who I met almost as soon as I moved in, when I thought there was a strange animal in the house and it was this cat from across the lane. She has now taken to coming in several times a day. The other day I wasn't paying attention and put a can with some tuna down for Baby who had just come in..you guessed it, when I actually looked, it was the other cat. Oh Baby has a new trick, she has found a way to get to a shelf that is almost at the ceiling, it is used for storage. Her favorite new trick is to hide out there and about 11:30pm, when I am asleep of course, she jumps, landing on all 4 paws, with a thud next to me in bed.
   I feel my work here has been successful. I am happy and feel things will carry on. There is new stuff coming up but the staff know what to do. The other day, as part of the Friday training program, the staff and patients put on a musical extravaganza and several little plays. It was so wonderful, and all the patients and all the staff participated even just by being present and watching. I had nothing to do with it's planning, it was a nurse and the OT. I am redundant, yeah!
   I have finally persuaded the female nurses to teach me some dirty Sinhala words. They are very shy, laugh, leave the room but I now have 3 in my repertoire. I decided to teach them something too. There is an expression here, ai yo! It means, oh no or uh oh trouble or something like that. I use it all the time and then I realized, it has the same meaning as oy vey! These people didn't know what a Jew was when I arrived. The staff are now saying oy vey! when appropriate and I keep saying ai yo!

I am laughing..

2011-01-13T06:48:00.000-08:00

   I must say, I think I am a pretty gutsy person in some ways. Today, not only did I ride on the back of a motorcycle with social worker and pal Nilantha, I had to balance a 2 ft. by 3 ft. white board between us as he manuvered the very messy, holey, wet roads of Badulla with me and the board behind him. The wind was pulling the board toward his head (yes of course we were both in helmets), I was holding the top of the board with one hand, my purse plastered accross my chest but slipping over the side, another heavy bag over my other shoulder,and holding on the the back of my seat with the other hand. I was laughing when we finished our ride to the hospital, so wishing you could all see me! I swear I am feeling younger by the day, I may come home in a crib..I think that was a movie..hmm. A few days ago, after being asked by one of the bigshot doctors in the system, why I didn't ever wear a Sari to special occasions and basically suggesting again that I do, I remembered that when I was in Batticaloa, I had bought a cotton Sari to bring home and use for I don't know what. So today, after getting the white board to the ward, one of the nurses dressed me in the Sari. It is the first time I ever even had one on and I must say, it felt special. So I don't know what occasion may come up that I can wear it to other then my last day here, but my friend Laxmi and I shall go looking for material for the blouse which must accompany it. Of course I have already said it has to have 3/4 sleeves and be longer in the midriff than most women wear it but it's OK, they believe me to be a bit crazy anyway. Even Nilantha was involved in deciding what color the blouse should be. I kept saying why can't I wear a black jersey I have and he kept saying, no, it isn't suitable. Sometimes I can't buck the system.
   Last week and this, I have been involved in the full cycle of a Buddhist death and the rituals and ceremonies that accompany it. In some ways, many ways it is all similar to JudoChristian traditions post death. The major difference is that people start coming to the house the day the person dies and lunch, a huge meal of rice and curry is provided by the family from that time until the moment they leave for the cemetary. Neighbors do bring in some food but mostly the family and extended family provide it. There is no time when people are encouraged not to be at the home. In the west we usually have hours of visiting, giving the family private time to eat and be quiet. This is a group society and pleasing the visitors is what is important. The other thing is that everything here is still done in the house, probably because funeral parlors don't yet exist here, too costly. So in the hour before leaving for the cemetary, 6 Buddhist monks came to the house and talked while the family sat on the floor doing rituals. The family stays home for a week total following the death and on the 7th day, the family, friends, relatives give alms (dana) to 12 priests (monks) in the form of lunch, candys, fruits, things they need like new robes and begging bowls, soap etc. This is all presented to the monks in chairs covered in white clothe with low tables covered in white in front of them. Again, there is a praying ritual with monks talking and the family doing rituals. Then they serve lunch to an invited group which included all the staff of our psych. unit. This is similar to Jews sending money for a charity when someone dies. The staff collected money to present to the family because the costs are great to provide all the cooking, meals etc. to so many guests. It is believed that doing all of this is giving points in a way to the person who has died and trying to reach Nirvana in some lifetime.
   I know most of you reading this are suffering with huge snow storms or other incliment weather but I just have to complain a little about the huge shift in the weather here in the hill country of Sri Lanka..it's friggin' freezing here right now and hardly ever stops raining. I am sitting writing to you with 3 layers of clothing, including a polartec, a shawl over that, a wool scarf around my neck and wool socks on my feet. All of these items I brought and never wore before now. It feels like a cold, rainy raw day in late fall in NYC..ugh. OK, OK...

65 going on 13

2011-01-02T02:39:00.000-08:00

Where to begin. I have been gone for weeks. The trip was sort of in 3 parts. Colombo was fine, meetings, lot's of shopping, haircut, life stuff. I had a full week of silent meditation at a retreat with Dhammaruwan and Stephen Smith who came from Hawaii to teach. That was a treat with only 7 yogis there, we got lot's of attention. I am unclear as to why I still do this since I have no sitting practice to speak of. In between retreats I don't sit and honestly, I doubt if I shall now. I love my NYC once a week Sangha. I strongly believe in the philosophy of Buddhism, I try to live by the principles of the Buddha, but I'm too lazy and undisaplined for a daily practice..also, retreats are hard, near the end I started to be attacked in my mind by old, old bad feelings about myself and it took many hours for those feelings to change. This is called Yogi Mind. It put me off kilter a bit too and I think it carried over to feeling more vulnerable after I left the retreat..or maybe that's an excuse. The third part of the trip was a Christmas trip to Galle (where I went last Christmas) with 3 other volunteers. Mostly it was great, shopping, beaching, eating. Winston Churchill once said that the USA and GB were "2 great nations divided by language!" Boy is that true. The 3 other people are from the UK (1 from England and 2 from Scotland). Between the words I didn't understand, the timber of the voice and the expressions I had no idea about, I think I drove them crazy saying "what, what, what does that mean, what..." They didn't get me either sometimes. On one occasion I said I didn't mind, meaning I was so happy to be there and was OK with anything and they thought I was being disagreeable and grumpy or sad. The cultural differences where astounding to me and I have a feeling I said the same thing last year when I traveled with the Brits. You know these three women are in their 30s and I am 65 (still think I gained 10 years accidentally) but sometimes I felt like I was much younger then them in a neurotic sense, like 13 yo, when I was pretty miserable person. Everybody in a group has their own stuff to deal with but I was surprised at mine now. I did manage to shop way too much and spend more money then I have spent all year! That was tremendous fun too, sharing the excitement of stuff with others who were way too encouraging!
In any case, I really wanted to get back to Badulla, to home as I think of it now, before Friday Dec. 31 to be present for the next Friday presentation at work. I really missed my home, my life here, my people here. I guess wherever you make home, it is home. I kept having waves of love for the staff here. They knew it was hard for me to get the program I had been attempting to do for a year going and then leave for 3 weeks. I kept getting text messages catching me up with how it went each week and thanking me for it's existence. I guess I am being immodest but I felt so warm and fuzzy knowing these people cared about my feelings, knew me enough to text updates. I am so lucky because they are such good people and I shall miss them when I leave, a lot. Actually, getting back to Badulla was so lovely because people here on the street and in shops are people I know superficially; but they are genuinely warm and welcoming.
So it is a new year and someone sent me this Buddha story I want to share since each day starts affresh, this is how I hope life goes from now on:

Once Buddha was travelling with a few of his followers. While they were passing a lake, Buddha told one of his disciples, "I am thirsty. Do get me some water from the lake."

The disciple walked up to the lake. At that moment, a bullock cart started crossing through the lake. As a result, the water became very muddy and turbid. The disciple thought, "How can I give this muddy water to Buddha to drink?"

So he came back and told Buddha, "The water in there is very muddy. I don't think it is fit to drink."

After about half an hour, again Buddha asked the same disciple to go back to the lake.

The disciple went back, and found that the water was still muddy. He returned and informed Buddha about the same.

After sometime, again Buddha asked the same disciple to go back.

This time, the disciple found the mud had settled down, and the water was clean and clear. So he collected some water in a pot and brought it to Buddha.

Buddha looked at the water, and then he looked up at the disciple and said," See what you did to make the water clean. You let it be, and the mud settled down on its own -- and you have clear water.

Your mind is like that too ! When it is disturbed, just let it be. Give it a little time. It will settle down on its own. You don't have to put in any effort to calm it down. It will happen. It is effortless."

Having 'Peace of Mind' is not a strenuous job; it is an effortless process!

Hard decisions

2010-11-28T07:21:00.000-08:00

   November 19th began the hardest time I have had here. My sister Roberta called me. It was late afternoon here but early morning in Boston. She told me that my cousin and friend, Stephen had had a massive heart attack and died on the spot in his gym the evening before. This is a guy I really loved and his wife is one of my best friends. The agony of not being able to make it to the funeral and the decision to stay put for now was so difficult. To not be there for Lyn, to not be there for my 92 year old aunt, to not be there for my sisters was a foreign concept. We have a very loyal family bond. A friend here suggested I write something about him and I did.
   This loss and Thanksgiving have brought up to me how much culture has to do with who we are. I am so American and miss my connections with Americans. Having a shared understanding is so much greater thayn language. I may complain about America and I am very upset with the way things are going there, but I can say that. Here you can't really say that, it is not OK to be too critical. I can also see what a difference it makes to have separation of church and state which does not exist here either.
   A funny story though about culture and language, nothing I haven't said before but I just have to laugh now rather then getting annoyed or puzzled. I got in a trishaw (or tuktuk or 3 wheeler..all the same), and told the man where I was going. He spoke very good english. He said: "We are on Ward Place, Cotta Road is the same". I said: "yes, exactly, just continue onto Cotta Road and we shall come to it". Of course when we came to Cotta Road which veered to the left, he started to veer to the right! I said: "no, no, left" and he said: "Oh, Cotta Road?"
   I am feeling so much happier then I was for a few months. Once again I see how much it isn't the place, the people, the circumstances, it's my mind that makes life good or bad, happy or sad, fulfilling or empty. I felt that I couldn't tolerate staying; I was depressed. I feel like I was having a giant, resistant to change, temper tantrum against myself. Now I don't want to leave without doing what I hoped I would. Now after spending some time in the early mornings thinking about what I wanted to accomplish, what would be acceptable, how to get things done without doing things I really didn't want to and being OK with that, who would help, how to make it a capacity building experience and sustainable..after figuring that out as best I could, I feel good. I am a bit anxious and wake up with lists in my head of things to do each day. I don't mean to imply that I am not worried about it all not happening, especially when I am not around for 3 weeks at a time over the next few months to nudge people. I am very worried. That probably means I am too invested in what I accomplish. It is proof of how much me is involved. However, it gives me more to work on in myself! By the way, I do check with people if I am being a nudge, if I am annoying, if they want me to stop asking for their involvement. I keep being told that no, they like it, it's OK, it shows I care for them..that is a nice thing about being in this culture. They GROK me!
   Speaking of groking me. In the last few weeks I decided to first reread Pride and Prejudice which I loved, and miss, now that it is over. The other book I decided to reread from my pot smoking, war protesting, sex filled days (LOL, don't I wish), was Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert Heinlein. This book was the bible of the 60s. Well so far I recognize not a word in my memory. Although I find the book dated, like the terms used to describe women, calling women girls, descriptions of things; the issues are contemporary and as old as creation. Crooked politicians, religious hate mongers and the whole issue of how many sides there can be to the same issue like cannibalism for example. We may think it is terrible but a Martian sees it as a beautiful ritual..it's about the difference between a closed and an open mind and heart too. I think since the beginning of time, little has really improved in terms of attitudes towards others! War continues, hate continues, slavery continues, greed continues on and on. Fortunately love and gratitude and generosity also continues.
   One last note, I was thrilled and surprised at being on the list of the 50 best volunteer blogs around the world. I must say I am very proud of myself and appreciate how many people took a moment to send me congratulations. kisses to all

If I believed...

2010-11-13T03:42:00.000-08:00

   I have decided that Arugam Bay is, so far, my favorite place in Sri Lanka. The first day I arrived, I took a long walk on the beach and on the way back, the sun was starting to set. If I believed in God, (not sure), I would be convinced that I had witnessed the gates of heaven opening. I have never seen anything as magnificent as the sun rays going up toward the sky and the clouds outlined in gold. The picture does it no justice but of course I didn't have my camera with me!d so my friend took the picture but a moment late. The sunrises were almost equal. (All the pictures are on Facebook and Snapfish if anyone wants to see them.)
   I am quite fortunate with my work these days, not because I am doing so much but because I don't seem to have the hassles so many other volunteers here and in other countries have with bosses and coworkers. I had a long talk with our Psychiatrist the other day, sharing ideas about changes that I think would be helpful, showing him our mandate for mental health in this country and talking about utilizing staff in new ways. I told him I had been putting this conversation off because in ward rounds he was so busy. He said I can always interrupt him, he wants to hear me and he thanked me for constantly reminding him to refer patients for counseling, that there is more then medication, that all patients don't need it; you know bringing those things up could get me in trouble with other staffs. Yes, I am fortunate. Actually he is now committed to referring every patient who tries "deliberate self harming" for counseling. The biggest problem is of course there are no psychologists in this country and very few trained counselors so it is an afterthought to refer. Fortunately there is one counselor from Women In Need who can see our referrals. Last week we had a meeting with my big boss, the Provincial Director of Health Services. She is a very dynamic and powerful woman. I totally respect and admire her, but, I kept harping on our need for transportation for community mental health work. That is the direction they want, that is partly what this big meeting was about. She got quite annoyed with me. After the meeting I asked her if she wanted me to fly home! I do not worry about these things. I keep my mouth shut a lot and find other means to get things done but ultimately if I need to say something I do. What can happen, I am asked to leave? so
   Last blog I mentioned about diapers (nappies) not being used. Now I have discovered that children sleep in the same room sometimes in the same bed with their parents until 10 to 12 years old. When they are moved into another room, siblings even girls and boys, share a bedroom. People think it is terrible to have to sleep alone (actually I do too but for very different reasons!) Anyway, I of course asked how they manage to have sex, if the kids hear them..no one would discuss it that day, quite a lot of giggling and laughing about it. It's really hilarious to me that in the States people would more easily have a sex discussion then a discussion about money; here it is the opposite, people tell me everything about their money, earnings, loans.
   Finally I need to share with everyone my latest unfortunate discovery..Baby is a whore! A few days ago she didn't come home all evening. When I went to bed, she still wasn't home. All night I kept waking up and going to the door to call her and look for her..6:30 in the morning she came sauntering in, looked very satisfied, went to my bed and went to sleep!!

good and bad

2010-10-31T05:40:00.000-07:00

Baby (my kitten) had her tubes tied on Wednesday. On Saturday I opened the door and she is now free to come and go as she chooses. So far, she is not leaving the property but we'll see. i actually felt bad that I was never letting her have any babies but the internet says sterilizing female cats keeps them from getting breast cancer so as with everything else in life, I can choose to feel bad for her or good for her! Same with myself; I can feel bad about old, neurotic things or interactions with people who are not as nice as they should be or I can feel good knowing that I am here doing what I am and let myself be.
I must say, I felt bad not being able to be at the Jon Stewart rally yesterday but I did watch it on the internet which was good except that it stopped and started so much, I missed a lot which was bad. What am I talking about..I don't know. Work feels sort of stuck and I am talking to the powers that be at VSO about maybe just adding a little by going to other places if they need on occasion. Additionally, I am trying to make sure that even if I do little here in terms of helping the Mental Health system, I get to see the country I am living in. I have now been to the East coast 2 times, once to the beach in Trincomalee and once to Arugam Bay. This weekend I am going to Batticoloa also to a beach and to visit another volunteer who lives there. Until very recently, since I have been here, we were not allowed to travel to the East because of the war. The restriction to Batti was on when I arrived. I feel fortunate that I can now go. We are still not allowed to travel to the North, Jaffna, I think because they don't want us to see the DPC (displaced persons camps) that still exist. the government is actually making it hard on all the NGOs including us to get our residency Visas; so now, VSO has to apply every 2 months for each of us, it is a full time job just doing that for 26 people all here at different times. Anyway, I have loved the East coast. The beaches are lovely of course and I will have managed to see all three before it is out of season; but more, the most wonderful people live in the East, mostly Muslims or Tamils. Pretty much everyone in those communities speak english and are so friendly and helpful. All of Sri Lanka is like that but it is more so there. What really saves this place for me is the people. Sri Lankans are sweet, kind people. That is good. What is bad as I've said before is the lack of counseling available. People just don't talk about problems here. They literally smile as they tell you something awful. They commit suicide as I've said. It is better to die than to let someone think you are angry with them. Even worse would be to yell at someone who is making you angry. There is no processing of feelings. What is good (I am back to this..) is that people in the know are starting to talk about the problems more and even want to have community workers go into the villages and identify issues..it will change over time but this is a country where a 17 year old girl will take poison if her parents say she can't see a boy rather than arguing or discussing even. The other day, an 18 yo took an overdose of the equivalent of aspirin because she thought her parents didn't like her boy, 2 years ago when they really didn't like a boy she also took an overdose; this time, fearing her daughter was dead, the mother swallowed poison. The mother is only 34years old. When it is determined that it was "just impulsive" like the mom, no hospitalization in psych. The daughter was admitted. In Sri Lanka if you go out with someone, a boy and girl date, it is called a love affair. They are having a love affair, they are having an affair..sex is not included or expected or approved of. It is about dating only. The sexual attacks on girls by boys in schools however, is going up. I think it is because boys are seeing sex. Although few have computers, fewer still the internet, there are places you can go to get access to the internet and boys, using it much more, are getting much more exposure to sex let alone pornography. All this is going to have to be dealt with here, as I have said, for good and bad Sri Lankans live like in the '50s but the world is creeping in with all the advances and all the horrors .
Can you imagine this: One day I went to visit one of our doctors and his wife who is also a doctor. Their baby is about 3 months. I noticed the baby was not in a diaper, just some little panties. I asked about it and was told that except for at the very beginning, they don't use nappies! After 2 or 3 months the baby is put on the bed every morning at the same time and has a BM on a towel or something. Peeing happens whenever. I said but you get all wet, she said diapers give terrible rashes to babies, we can change the baby and our clothes. Why would we want our babies to have to suffer! Isn't that amazing and wonderful. I wonder if it will change, I hope not.
Oy, I just had to go and rescue Baby from under a roof where she went when the monsoon came before! She is not good!!!! Why didn't she come home when I called her before the rains!! children

Snorkeling inside and out!

2010-10-03T03:04:00.000-07:00

   To get to Trincomalee took 2 buses, first, 4 hours to Kandy and then 5 hours to Trinco. That cost a total of $3.50 which is why there is no money to fix or buy new buses but also allows SLs to travel a lot. In many families, even among the doctors, the home base is one town but work is another. It can take 7 to 9 hours to get home periodically and this is the usual way people live. Nilaveli Beach was my first destination and was lovely. It is supposed to be the nicest beach in Sri Lanka and has been unreachable for years both because of the Tsunami but more so because of the 30 year war between the Singhala people and the Tamils who mostly live in the north and east of the country. It is a wide beach but not georgeous like the Carribean or Hawaii. The place I stayed was so friendly, really expensive for here $67.50 a night with hot water, AC (both an unexpected plus ), breakfast and dinner. The boat to get to Pigeon island to snorkel, $13.50.
   I snorkeled for hours (my painful, peeling back can testify). Great coral considering the Tsunami that wiped out so much of this beach not long ago and day trippers who walk all over it. Not that many fish but good variety. Always when I snorkel, I feel like I am floating and thin and non existent to the fish. I am an unseen visitor. That's how I felt being there and at the resort, non existent. There was a point where it started to feel dangerous and difficult to go further while I was snorkeling so I turned back. I realized no one would know for hours if something happened to me. The boat man would eventually come looking and that got me started thinking about my life, how frequently I feel invisible. I am not saying this with judgement or poor me, I think I'm stating a fact. People don't notice people in general, especially if you are sort of ordinary, not flashy, quiet. For years in NYC I'd see the same people daily and they never noticed me. As a person alone here or NYC, no one knows where I am most of the time, either place it would be days before it was noticed. People marvel at what I do by myself and feel I am brave. Maybe I am but I think what are my options, do nothing because I am alone? No one to come snorkeling with so don't do it; this activity I have loved since I first did it in 1967 with my friend Dorothy in St. John, Virgin Islands? That doesn't make sense or feel good. Some people always find and have mates, friends, lovers; some don't. Life is about living it, as it is, as it unfolds and with as much courage as one can muster. I have learned though, that I don't want to be totally invisible. I want to live somewhere were people notice if I am home or not, where I am not invisible to the community. I want a partner, lover, a mate. I can't manufacture one but I can decide where I want to live... SO I had all these thoughts while snorkeling and of course then realized I was missing what I loved by not being present in the moment!
   When I came out of the water, a bunch of muslim people had arrived on the little beach of Pigeon Island where the snorkeling was. 3 women where totally in black, standing in the water a little. 2 had their faces covered except for their eyes (in Badulla there is one woman who wears a black veil over her face, black gloves and black shoes and socks). Anyway, by the time I left, the 3 women were up to their necks in the water but veils stayed in place! Love and respect for G-d is what I've been told. BTW, if I haven't said before, the muslims here generally are more educated, speak beautiful english and are very sweet and gracious to me. Part of the joy I get daily is walking on this little side lane on which mostly muslims live. Everyone greets me and the children, speaking in english love to chat. You can't judge a book by it's cover! Anyway, I keep digressing. The rest of my stay in Trinco was such a treat, there is another volunteer here named Asela, she is Philippina and we had a couple of terrific days seeing the sites of this lovely town. We even got all wet at the hot springs visited by the locals who see the springs as a holy site. (pictures on facebook).
   On a totally separate note, I have lost one of each of my favorite earings. I have owned these earings for 25 to 35years and never lost one. What is that about?

The perfect meal

2010-09-18T08:08:00.000-07:00

   Okay, I have returned to the perfect meal and I am basically living on it..Tuna Melts! It has everything one could need, protein, vegetables, calcium, complex carbs..everything and no fat (I do not use mayonnaise, I use limes instead). Okay yes the veggies are onions and sliced tomato, the calcium is this low fat sliced fake cheese stuff, but it's alright. It is a hassle that I have to prepare the tuna but what to do..I have to do a little cooking! I think my landlady has looked in my fridge because she has offered me lunch or dinner twice in the last 3 weeks.
   The longer I am here the more confused about the Sri Lankans I become. They have been rated number 7 on the list of the happiest people in the world and number 8 in people who kill themselves! As I have previously said, each week we see so many people, men and women, teens, young adults, taking poison (very readily available in the supermarket), trying to hang themselves. It's almost routine here! The other day we were asked to evaluate a young woman who is pregnant, who is very sad because her husband committed suicide recently. Most Sri Lankans have never even tasted liquor, especially the women. However the alcoholism rate is thru the roof. The majority of Sri Lankans are Buddhists yet the judgements and gossip are constant. People are very aware of what others do, how they do it, how they dress, what woman dares to put on pants etc. They are fascinated by my jewelry, rings, especially bracelets. (not that Americans are much different).
   I can't remember if I have described bus taking here. I have opted to take buses over trains because the trains are so interminably long and slow, I feel I could go nuts. The buses are only reservable on the night one to and from Colombo which is wonderful. Otherwise you just show up. I have learned never to take a seat on the first right hand seats because if a Buddhist priest gets on, even if he is 5 years old, he get's the seat. On the left you do run the risk of a handicapped person needing the seat. I got fooled the other day because I took the non handicapped seat on the left, front but a Buddhist kid got on and the 2 seats on the right where already occupied by the priests so a bunch of hands sort of picked me up and moved me to the seat behind and someone else gave up their seat. The thing I then discover which is really nice really is that several people put their packages, purses etc on your lap to hold since they are standing. The buses cost nothing, literally going 4 to 7 hours away costs between $2 and $4. There is a government bus, red, and private buses, usually white. They are in competition with each other so they refuse no one. Imagine being a sardine in a can with oil around you. As the bus moves from place to place they pack in more sardines so that the red or white tin starts leaking the oil and it's just sardines rubbing up against each other until you think the can will burst. Finally at some stop, 4 people get off but of course 3 or 5 people get on..and so it goes. I have come to totally ignore it and frequently if I have some food with me, I share it as the others do with me. Of course half way to wherever, the bus stops and some people get off and then 10 minutes later everyone get's on and you get your seat back.
      October 10 is World Mental Health Day so the staff are busy getting ready for it by having a Mental Health camp for the patients and families from our Clinic and for the general public. This pretty much puts everything on hold. I am planning on making contact with the nursing school to try to give a little lesson about the importance of patient's mental health along with their physical health. Most nurses think MH is a waste and don't want to work with us.
     I spend a lot of time noticing feet. This will be a surprise to some who know me because there was a period in my life when I couldn't stand feet, toes especially, couldn't even say the words... well, I see how useful feet are. Many people here do not wear shoes, some, if they do wear shoes wear only flip flops. Feet are such hard workers, I now admire them and notice them (well they are everywhere and very seen).

The light dawns

2010-09-04T10:16:00.000-07:00

   I haven't been feeling depressed anymore but I haven't been feeling like my positive self either. I have been thinking about my life here, at home, the future, what I want, how I see things and I finally identified the feeling. It is disappointment. I am disappointed. My entire life I have thought about volunteering to help in a place where they have so little materially, financially, structurally, whatever, that whatever I could do might be useful. Here in Sri Lanka I think I am useful. I think my years of life experience, mental health experience is helping in some little way to create a better environment for mentally ill people by educating the staff and the community about good mental health practice. I know that starting an AA group which we work on regularly to get people involved is a major event for this district. I am liked and respected.
   So why am I disappointed? It is because I lived a fantasy and now I live a reality. This is not the poorest country, they do not have the same issues as Africa and that is where I wanted to be. The reality is that the volunteers in Africa complain of the same issues I do! It's all fantasy, whatever I do is really fine. i actually have located a village right near me that is among the poorest of the poor. I heard about this village from a newsletter I get from the Buddhist Global Relief. I am in touch with the group helping in the village called Sarvodaya Women's Movement and shall go see the village next week. I have no idea if there is any way I can do something but this village is within miles of Badulla, terrible. The same exists in America, one does not have to go too far really.
   If at the end of my time here, I haven't had my fantasy become a reality, if I still need it to, if I want to check out fantasy land, there are many ways to do it, and I can. I can go to many countries in Africa as a short term volunteer, I can be on a list to go in emergencies, I can do many things. Maybe I shall be happy to go home and not need to do it, maybe I shall go home and then go traveling again, maybe anything! I am relieved to have identified what was happening inside me. I really feel much better!

I made it!

2010-08-21T04:49:00.000-07:00

Well, I seem to have weathered the storm as "they" (who are they anyway?) say. My mother used to say "they" are all wearing that, when I would ask how something looked on my chubby little body. I never knew who "they" were but I hated them..anyway, I digress. It seems my low mood was due to my coming to a grown up age, something I absolutely didn't want to do apparently but I made it thru Thursday then Friday and felt no more mature then I felt on Wednesday or last week..actually since I developed a pimple on my nose I felt a bit younger! The more I think about myself getting older, the more I can see how much the same I have always been. I am pretty much the same person I was at age 5 or 6. Nine trillion years of therapy, meditating, doing therapy, studying Buddhism, living life; I would still same I am a kind, sweet, good hearted person who is sometimes a real annoying pain in the ass! I welcome comments of agreement or disagreement or anything you wish to say on the subject is fine. My party was a success? I don't know. I tried to do it the absolute Sri Lankan way, almost. I was told I had to have bananas rather then any other fruit, no tea could be served, no water was necessary and I should have lunch packets if it was at 12 noon. My only deviation from this was to bring bottles of water and most people did not drink it. The things wrapped in newspaper are rice and curry. Yes newspaper is used for wrapping lunch, wiping your a-s, wiping your hands etc. This is a developing country. They cannot afford the paper products we so easily use and discard. Yes there I go, I was just on my soap box as a friend likes to tell me, part of being a pain in the butt, very annoying. Anyway, I totally screwed up by not individually going to each staff member and inviting them so two of the nurses did not come. This was not good but hopefully now fixed. The cultural and language differences sometimes feel like they are getting foggier rather then clearer. No one said very much at the party. I was instructed as to how to conduct it. I encouraged people to take lunch and no one moved then the Consultant Psychiatrist said why didn't I cut the cake. I said have dessert before lunch???? He said on special occasions, this is what they do so I cut the cake and gave it out with a banana to each person and that was good! I brought music but no one responded. After sitting around for a while it was whispered in my ear that the Minor (aide) staff would rather eat their lunch separately. The nurses ended up doing the same. The comfort level is not there I think for the different catagories of staff to eat together. However even though I said people should go and do as they wished, no one moved. Then I was told there was a song at which point the staff sang a very beautiful song about Sri Lanka. After that I gave a little speech since I couldn't think of a song to sing in that moment. Then Dr. P. gave a speech about me then big, big surprise i was presented with a lovely picture by all the staff and a beautiful top from the nurses and Laxmi gave me a bracelet but it was in secret and I can't tell the others! I was very touched but felt bad because they have so little and don't really celebrate their own birthdays, but you know, I'm 65 so fuck it, it's OK.

The Sri Lankan Ways

2010-08-09T08:47:00.001-07:00

   I am working my way thru my little aging crisis but along the way more important things are being discovered like the proper arrangements for my birthday party. I wanted a party where everyone was invited so no one felt left out and we could dance and have american food, drink and have an American good time. Well that costs a lot. So then I thought a party in my house but cutting down on who was invited, this led to secrecy and possible bad feelings, I am now at the place I didn't want to be, the place everyone is happy..a good old fashioned Sri Lankan party just like everyone else's with Short eats (shorties) which are like their version of appetizers (but they eat them for tea time and lunch sometimes ). They are vegetable, egg, chicken or fish filled rolls, buns, rotti or many other varieties of fattening and hot (spicy) things. Fruit, bananas are the usual, I may suggest something else but I will probably be overruled, tea and cake. That's it. Everyone will sit around and eat, talk and then get up and leave and that will be that! I have discovered however, that many people have never celebrated their birthdays at all. They have no party, no gift, no acknowledgement even. People here have always been too poor. Their was no extra. While I was in China, Laxmi had texted that it was her birthday. When I came back and we talked about it she had never ever received one present on her birthday. I gave her her first present.
   Speaking of fruits which I started to before, this island has the most fascinating fruits and they are quite delicious or odd or horrible but different then anything I have tasted before. There is Jambu which is red and odd and Rambutan which is red with spikes all over it but amazingly juicy and delicious, looks like a lychee inside but tastes much better, there are guavas which are nothing like what we know as a guava and other little brown things that require breaking thru the skin and sucking out this sweet/sour taste. Then there is amberella which they use a lot for curry and mangosteens which have a purple hard shell and which are white, so yummy and sweet . There are these fruits called anoda or custard apple which are green outside and you eat the white pulp inside with a spoon, sooo delicious. Then of course ubiquitous ripe jack fruit, the most useful vegetable in existence. That's a few, there are others, some I have yet to try. I am a creature of habit perhaps or perhaps I just know what I like, I tend to eat a fuju apple and pinapple pretty much every day. The others are for fun.
   Have I talked about death notices? When someone dies the notice is printed on a 81/2 by 11 inch white paper in black letters. There are the dates of birth and death, the name, a picture and the rest is in Singhala so I can't say. I had noticed signs like this posted all around and sometimes I stop and read them. The other day when we were out on a home visit, we arrived at a place and I was told we were going to a funeral parlor for a nurse's husband's 90 something year old mother. One of the nurses used to work with this nurse so we were there. On entering, there where lots of people, we were moved toward the body which is totally draped in white (buddhist), she was lying on a double size bed type thing, also all white with a sort of canopy thing, also in white. The body is in the middle, on soft, silky white billowy things. It was all quite peaceful. After paying our respects we were moved to a dining room area with just enough room for a large table surrounded by chairs. Cookies are passed around 2 to 3 times. After finishing the cookies a fruit drink is given. Have I mentioned that people do not drink during eating times, it is always after. My little rebellion with the staff is that I pour water when I am going to start eating and sometimes sip it while in the process of eating! Anyway after that we were encouraged to go outside of the house where chairs were set up and people now sit there for some period of time. While there I saw Nilantha's father (our wonderful SW). We chatted a few minutes. Later Nilantha told me he had already been there. My point aside from describing the ritual is that Sri Lankans are very connected and see it as their responsibility to attend the funeral of their friend's husband's cousin's wife's brother..get my drift? They know if a boy who is the son of the brother of a worker had appendicitis and will or won't be able to take his A level exams. Everyone is family.
   This weekend I was invited to the AA meeting. It was declared an open meeting because they wanted me to attend and the local Buddhist Priest as well. There are now one or two very involved members who hopefully will try to keep the meeting going. The AA people from Colombo are paying on their own to come and ride the 6 hours in the middle of the night on motorcycles to get there for Sunday morning! I believe the Catholic Charities here called Caritas are going to give them some funding to keep them coming. If any of you feel so inclined and want to help out, for $50 they can get the AA posters in Singhala and Tamil. Right now only English is available which is useless in Badulla and (my fingers are crossed) in the future, useless on the tea estates. Any contribution would be great.
   There are 2 more things to tell you. My frustration with not knowing what is being said continues to be great but I handle it better. Eventually someone will turn to me and fill me in, a little bit. For me, ms. curious, ms. I want to know everything, this is so hard. The worst of course is not being able to teach spontaneously, as something is happening.
   I had a long talk with Nilantha PSW the other day about many things. He is the most curious about life all around the world, is the most knowledgeable about politics and we often spend hours exchanging information. He wanted to know about hotels and what they cost and if it is OK for Sri Lankans to eat with their hands in hotels in Sri Lanka and if you have to pay for the swimming pool if there is one. People here do not stay in hotels, it's much too costly. Nilantha for example makes 20000 LKR a month. That is about $200 a month! Anyway, I still hadn't gotten the toilet system down pat yet so he went thru a huge explanation and demonstration for me of toilet etiquette in Sri Lanka.
   I have saved the best for last, the greatest habit of the Sri Lankans..nose picking. They don't blow their noses in public, they do some other little things but publicly people are always putting their fingers in there..Chinese do the same..I guess it's an Asian thing.

Getting old?

2010-08-03T09:24:00.000-07:00

Wow I am really having a hard time the last few days, maybe since I returned from China. I am not sure; but today I sunk and felt so many bad feelings and started wondering what I shall do here for another ten months. I think it is most related to my upcoming birthday which has put me into a state of disbelief. I feel no older then 37, at the most..how could I be turning 65, it just doesn't feel possible, it feels shocking to me. i am having thoughts of people disregarding me because I am old and life being short and all those horrible things. It manifests in feeling I am useless here, disregarded and anyway I wanted to volunteer and feel I made a difference, i am thinking maybe I shall go change baby's diapers in an orphanage in Africa or take care of gorillas somewhere because that would be fun too! I am realizing I have no real plan for a future life at home in the States..I am freaking out!!!!! Anyway, that is what I was feeling all morning at work and was sure that Laxmi my buddy didn't even like me anymore (yes friends I know, I'm telling you it was a few hours slip). Anyway, at some point I said to gloomy Laxmi, someone is really unhappy today, meaning her and being sure, being the narcisist I can be, that it was about something I had done. She and the other 2 nurses in the room surprised me by saying yes, something is wrong and finally Laxmi leaned forward and said, my husband got cross with me and I feel terrible. How many times do I have to have the same lesson DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY and DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS!! It happened because I was feeling sad and bad and was more vulnerable and the lessons still continued. I have been talking for months with the nurses, every time we go out on a home visit about writing a note about their observations in the charts, talking about community work and teams and continuity of care, blah, blah..no one listens and then today when I was talking to the nurse I am doing the home visits with tomorrow about it he said, yes we started last week writing in the patient's chart about how they are doing, what we are seeing.
Anyway, I am indeed starting to think about the future and it is pretty blank. I really miss my patients, that life of doing psychotherapy and I loved clinical teaching. I miss Mari and wish for time back. I wonder if I'll have sex again; if I shall love and be loved. I really feel there are many places to travel I have yet to see and feel quite capable of getting around. Over the weekend I went hiking with another volunteer in a place called Haputale and in 24 hours we walked and climbed about 15 kilometers..pretty good. There has also been a flurry of emails among my old Mt. Sinai classmates and I seem to be one of the few without any replaced parts!

Travels

2010-07-26T06:49:00.000-07:00

   Before I even left for China, I was having adventures in Colombo. This is the text I sent to my colleagues in Badulla: "Have just adopted a baby.." They did believe I had adopted a Chinese baby but no, I adopted an 6 week old Calico baby and of course named her Baby. She waited for me in Colombo while I went to China and came home with me this week. But let's get to China, it was fabulous, I loved it. It was so much more then I expected, friendly people (this surprised me because in other Asian places I have been, like Viet Name, I did not find the people particularly friendly), big developed, middle and upper class cities and more importantly, beauty especially in the countryside. We flew all over and the scenery was stunning. They have become huge consumers, like Americans and status seekers. They are also losing traditions like taking care of parents so there is a law making people responsible for their own elderly. Kids (teens and early 20s) are totally into themselves, how they look, what they own. they have little awareness of being in a communist country or what their own parents and grandparents went thru. In other words they are like American kids and richer Sri Lankan kids in Colombo.
   I started in Shanghai and spent a day at Expo which was terrific except for the American pavilion which was boring and minor compared to others. The other thing that was truly upsetting was that the representative, introducing the films at the American Pavilion was Koby Bryant...the best of the USA I guess! I had the opportunity on several occasions to do Tai Chi both in the park in Beijing and on the ship we sailed down the Yangtze river. When I get thru editing my 1200 pictures, you will see a picture of me awkwardly doing it. Anyway, it was terrific and I learned a lot about China and their now lack of love for Mao. Although I can see Asian similarities in Sri Lankans and Chinese, the major difference is that Chinese have terrible tempers which they display in public as they do their laundry which hangs outside their hi rise windows. The first day I got there I saw several verbal arguments and something thrown at someone. Sri Lankans are gentle, non confrontative people. However the suicide rate is high in both countries although higher in Sri Lanka, highest in the district I live in.
   The Chinese are into Feng Shui, horescopes (as are the Sri Lankans), acupuncture, acupressure, cupping, jade for health, gambling, liquor (as are the Sri Lankans), Tai Chi and Mahjong. We visited the great wall of China, the Forbidden City, the terra Cotta soldiers, the summer palace 2 amazing groups of mountains down beautiful scenic rivers gorges, Hong Kong, beautiful countryside rice paddies, Tianamen Square and so much more.
   The best part was my sister Roberta and my cousin Helene joining me there. They suffered, it was hot and muggy but even worse, I know they didn't come to Sri Lanka because they never wanted to have to deal with a porcelain hole in the ground for a toilet, squatting is not their thing. Well, it is an Asian thing so they had to stand in long lines frequently waiting for the only western toilet; when there wasn't one, Helene kept her legs crossed all day! I am truly grateful that they joined me and felt sad at separating from them at the end of the trip.

Really?..a Cobra...

2010-06-22T09:39:00.000-07:00

Today Laxmi RN and Manikay RN where talking about Manikay leaving the house for work and a Cobra sitting on her welcome mat outside the house! This was TMI for me..I didn't need to know about how many Cobras live around here.

This morning I saw a couple, they are only in their twenties and have been married for 5 years. She is a nursery school teacher who is suffering a serious depression with psychotic features. Part of it is psychological but a good deal of it is this society. She and her husband have been unable to conceive for which there are medical reasons. She lives in a village where she is really harassed and taunted for not having a baby. She is buckling under the pressure, now convinced people spit when she passes. Many people have told me that in this society people do gossip about their neighbors viscously and would do exactly what she is describing. I cannot tell you how difficult it is to have to deal with this stuff without speaking the language. I did the session with Nilantha, SW, and it was quite tedious to get thru but more, the frustration for me in not knowing what is truly said and how is, well, frustrating! This is probably the major issue of every day..not knowing what is said, not being able to make myself understood.

Two babies have now been born to staff members and I have noticed how freely everyone breast feeds. Walking onto the maternity ward, visiting someone anywhere, in a store, on the sidewalk, it is the norm and as a matter of fact it is the law apparently. You feed your baby this way for 2 years minimum..just like the USA right where people get arrested for breast feeding in public!

In the last 2 weeks, 8 patients have been seen who tried to kill themselves..most by poison, one by hanging. She is 18 yo and this was her 2nd attempt. One had Bipolar disorder but the rest.. a major issue in SL is the lack of talking. It is against the norm to talk about feelings. I think people become desperate about their situations and it grows enormous inside of themselves, they see no way out. It is a huge societal problem along with alcoholism. There are hardly any trained counselors but people are reluctant to see them anyway. I am encouraging people to use their counseling skills if they have been trained or go get trained. The doctors have had minimal training in counseling/therapy but have no time to spend with patients beyond dealing with medications.

The last few weeks I was sort of, bored, alone, feeling like there just would not be enough worthwhile for me to do here for another year. I have no intention of leaving but I just felt useless. One day out of the blue the nurses said " We like you." I said "any reason in particular?" They said "You are always smiling, you are gentle and kind to patients and to us, you have a good heart." Of course this made me feel great, how could it not. However, at the same time a few days later, I arranged for some work to be done with the AA members coming all the way from Colombo to help us, and one of the social workers, not Nilantha, promised 3 times to come help. He just never showed up..also typical of Sri Lankans many of whom are government employees with no sense of the importance of following thru or keeping a commitment. I felt awful about it and was really pissed. The point is one event was wonderful and took me out of my doldrums, the other was terrible and had me obsessing about what to do to this person for a few hours...but all that is about other people, not me..I need to work on Equanimity, I think what I mean is, if I was just being inside myself I would roll with the kisses and the punches, it would all be the same because inside of me would be the same. This is not new information but I saw it so plainly over the last few days.

None the less, I did get over my few low days. We got wonderful news that one of our nursing staff would be trained to become a Community Mental Health Nurse which means they really hope to create change in this archaic system. I was so excited, of course I had a hand in choosing the nurse, helping her apply, I practically ripped the phone out of her hands when she was consulting with her husband before hearing the yes! These moments of joy help me.

Speaking of Joy, I am off for vacation until July 20. I am meeting my sister Bobbie and cousin Helene in China. I am very excited and particularly to see them. I am sending you all kisses.

The Nurses Have Never Danced..

2010-06-06T03:17:00.000-07:00

The nurses have never danced, never drank alcohol, even a taste. It is a very conservative society but they will bluntly say things like your fat; boys will ask for money, which I hate; the staff ask me when I am giving them a party with American food! I said I'd give a party for my big birthday coming up in August, they said no it should be much before that! I told them everyone will have to dance at my party and I told Laxmi RN she will come to my house and we will put on rock and roll and dance, then I demonstrated how dancing is meditation, you just listen to the music and your body starts to sway, she blushed. Some of the other nurses think this is hysterical and now when we see each other we start to dance..speaking of hysterical, some of you may remember my laugh which is .. robust..well Ancy has told me not to laugh out loud. In Asia, people don't do that it disrupts other people...so yes that is hysterical..I laughed a lot over that one.

When I was leaving Laxmi the other day to go to Colombo for a week, I felt such a rush of warm, loving feeling for her I said, "I feel like hugging you". She leaned back with a look of horror on her face and said "no, please we don't do that in our culture!" I asked some others and they agreed but then I noticed that some of the nurses did hug me and I realized Laxmi is a very inhibited person but gets great joy out of watching me. Yesterday a patient kept referring to me affectionately as white, she kept saying a word, I repeated the word, everyone laughed. Then they said the word, I said it again, laughing. When I was alone with the nurses they said the word I was saying was a naughty word. So the word for white has a "d", the same word with a "t" is a naughty word for vagina and the word with "tha" is a penis. So I repeated all this to Laxmi and as I did I pointed to my "you know what".g I thought she would faint but she couldn't stop laughing. You can imagine the amount of ridicule I go through because of my inability to hear this language correctly and to not understand very much. Fortunately, people with a sense of humor are international. The staff find it very funny also that I am frequently making lists, jotting things down, they write nothing down which is probably why things aren't remembered and followed through on. But Nilantha SW noticed, asked why, listened and went out and got himself a notebook to write down things he needs to remember..ah, an OC in the making!

I was very concerned over not being around the Sunday morning of the first AA meeting but the nurses wanted me to stop worrying and calm down..they said "it's a good program, we will help you"..I almost fell over..that is a first..that is capacity building in action and guess what? Ms. control freak here was having trouble trusting that it would all really get taken care of (of course this is Sri Lanka and I have yet to have regularly scheduled meetings with the staff so....). When I got back I found out that the nurses had gone to the meeting and taken everyone's name to register them for the new Alcoholics Anonymous Clinic! I almost had apoplexy. I had explained over and over about anonymity and that we were only using the space, it is not a hospital program etc. Finally after the charge nurse said that the nurse has to be there because they were responsible for the inventory of the place (!!), we got our new Consultant to write a letter to the new Director about the situation and it's hopefully OK. The charge nurse now will not be responsible if a pencil is missing and all are relieved.

I've been noticing how competitive I am. I always denied I was competitive but I am very competitive. I also really like being liked and I like feeling respected. I can't avoid seeing myself here.

Through my interest in the tea estates and AA, I have formed alliances with several priests and nuns here. They are real Christians, they give heart and soul and really give to the people in a very loving way. I also have formed closer relationships with a couple, muslims who tend to have a more worldly view and more education. Rumaisa, the woman in the couple also dresses as an obvious muslim woman. I had a long talk with her about it and it is she in the couple who insists on being covered although she doesn't wear a veil over her face. 2 of her sisters do. She gave up work when she got married (arranged marriage) and will not go out alone. She is 31 years old. Her father is very liberal, upset that his daughters essentially gave up their freedom and wishes my friend would learn from me. He wants to meet me.

Several weeks ago was International Nurses Day. I was invited to the ceremony and all the nurses and students where there and the new director of the hospital who I know because he used to have a different job and I would go and meet with him. So here I was at this ceremony and then I was asked to light a wick of oil for the Buddha which is an honor. (there is no separation of church and state here so everything has a monk present and Buddhist rituals and the rest of the population just have to bare it.) Then I saw the whole thing is dedicated to Florence Nightingale who died one hundred years ago (who knew?). They had pictures of her and put flowers on her picture like a necklace and put flowers on the alter in front of her and then they asked me to speak! I have no idea what I said or why I was up there except my opening joke went nowhere so I have no idea if anyone even understood me.

I have learned the way to get things done is to not talk directly to people about what I need or want, work behind the scenes and let other people work their magic making sure my name not associated..
This is finally the week that we put on the teaching series for the tea estate health workers. My hours went very well and I promised to make them fun. I think they were. I however, didn't feel competent to be telling these people anything. We talked a lot about the stress for them and the people who work on the tea plantations. It is terrible. It actually sounds like slavery in the 1860s.The bosses care only about production. The conditions are terrible, the pay is terrible, the education and health care are terrible, the people spend their money on alcohol, they send their kids to work instead of school, women drink a lot of poison...I taught relaxation techniques...yes I did do more then that but that's how inadequate compared to the hugeness of the problem it felt.

   Teeth are an interesting subject. About half the Sri Lankan people have beautiful teeth, the others VERY buck teeth. Teeth that fall out are not replaced. I have seen only a few people with braces which are just being introduced here, probably because of the cost. The other problem is that many people chew beetle nuts and tobacco, making their teeth orange and rot..
   The issue of cost and available supplies, I haven't talked about much but this is not first world, people are still surprised when I say I am scrubbing my towels in a bucket or they don't have things like pepper grinders here that we take for granted. After going to many stores looking for a pepper grinder I was told to go to the grinding mill where they do it for you or to use a mortar and pestle to grind my pepper corns.
   I have so much control of my bladder now I can go for hours without using a toilet. No one seems to use them and I can't find them! Buses don't have them, so as my friend Samanta RN says: "what to do?" Finally I have to say I feel so young, I cannot believe I am my age. people here retire at 57! I am blown away because I feel like I am a contemporary of the doctors and Ancy who are in their 30s..of course I never grew up really..

Wesak

2010-05-28T03:04:00.000-07:00

This is not the blog I planned to post, I am working on another one but in the "being in the moment" place, Sunday started such a joyful week, I had to share it. (I do want to say at the outset though that I know the tenses don't all work in this blog because I wrote it over a time and then it was the past and the future and I got confused, please do forgive).
Along my road, stands went up making these bamboo frames which then got covered with crepe paper. It was all beautiful and it turns out these are lanterns that Thursday and Friday will be hanging all over town and illuminated to celebrate the birth, enlightenment and death of the Buddha. This is celebrated on the Poya (full moon) in May and is called Wesak or Vesak. Each day has been a treat. Quite accidentally when I went to the post office Tuesday morning rather then straight to work, I ran into a Perahera, a parade of dancing school children, wearing costumes, led by an elephant and walking and dancing barefoot to the Buddhist temple, some distance away. I've told you before that in Sri Lanka people celebrate everyone's holidays and get time off for them. The support staff at the hospital have worked hard all week making lanterns which will be lit on Thursday night on the ward. I of course intend to be there. I am going to join one of the nurses and her family to watch a big Perahara and see the beautifully lit up town. What is unfortunate still in Sri Lanka is that there is an assumption like the US with Christmas that it is everyone's holiday. I haven't seen this much attention paid to the holidays of the other groups. This is part of the bad feelings of the Tamil people who still feel very left out in their own country. Correction to me: it turns out that there is a big Tamil parade which takes place on the same day. I saw it in the evening as it turns out.

Part of the tradition of the day, aside from going to temple, is to give out free food and drinks. I had been told of this so I went out in ther morning in search of food. I started at the temple and paid my respects to the Buddha. The first thing I encountered was an elephant with a man carrying a baby around and under it several times. Apparently this is some kind of Asian good luck thing because people where handing over their babies to this man. People are very interested in me and having their photos taken so I took many. At the temple are thousands of people in white who bring their lunch and other necessities and settle in for the day sitting on the ground worshipping the Buddha. For some reason, maybe because I am caucasian but I think because people here are so hospitable and I am clearly different, I was allowed to cut lines all over the place and get into the main shrine sometimes pushed and shoved along, another Sri Lankan tradition, in front of huge lines of people and no one says a peep. These are the most patient people anywhere..if it were me at home I would be grumbling, who is that, why is SHE getting special treatment, blah, blah..

Anyway, after that, I wandered around town, looking for all this free food, I kept encountering free liquids of different types. The only one I recognized was tea and jaggery (like maple candy), the others I have no idea. I came to free food but there where dozens of people waiting to get into this little storefront so I didn't wait, then I came upon free king coconuts to drink the water in it. I usually don't like it although it is amazingly helpful if you are dehydrated and a real thirst quencher. This time, I loved it but the thing is, again dozens of people where lined up but when the people handing them out, saw me, I was brought one! Later another man tried to give me another one. By now of course, I was starving because I hadn't eaten anything in anticipation of getting all this free food. I thought I'd end up going to my favorite little spot where I get rice and curry at lunch (good I didn't wait, it was closed), I then passed my little local stores and I see hundreds of people lined up around the block and I know this means food. I know it was wrong, I know I am supposed to feel guilty, I know I should go to the back of the line, I went right to the front with my camera and asked what was going on? As soon as they saw me, I don't think anyone was knowing english, I was pushed right thru and told to follow a man and passed another group of a smaller line who had made it this far, and I am taken to the food table and a plate of rice and curry was prepared for me..another man seeing me, tried to make me a plate and I had to keep trying to expain that one was being prepared already. Not only did I not feel any compunction about doing this I am sorry to say, but everyone in the line, smiled at me and shook their heads and wanted to know 2 things, did I like the food and would I take pictures of them and or their children! It was a great time.
Thursday night I went to the ward to see it and the hospital lanterns lit. Many of the patients were involved in lighting the little oil lamps that are placed everywhere. I of course was fretting about not giving patients matches and the dangers but this is Sri Lanka, patients don't do things like that here. It was a lovely ritual and then the crepe paper lanterns were lit all over. I was taken throughout the hospital to see the other lanterns. Each unit makes their own. Very impressive. Then Roshanie, one of the nurses, her husband, 2 children and I went to town seeing the lanterns along the way (it's like our Christmas really). Before we left the unit the staff told Roshanie to make sure she took care of me in the big city crowds! I loved it. Townh was of course mobbed. There were carnivals and children's activities telling the story of the Buddha. What kept striking me is how much they make the Buddha look like Christ with a sort of halo thing around his head. Did I mention that my tuk tuk driver had gotten me started on unusual postcards of the Buddha this week so of course by now I have collected dozens of them. So many are like adoring Christ the baby and adult. Don't ask what I shall do with these cards, no idea but I have to collect something don't I?
I was very happy to be with the family because aside from being fond of them, I would never have know where the free snacks were! First we got ice cream, then we got an Orange type drink ending with these spiced chick pea things. Quite a satisfying dinner for me! We saw the Tamil Parade then we went to where the Perahera would be held. It is quite a long route which of course was already mobbed with people like a parade route anywhere in the world. We had to wait unfortunately almost 2 hours for it to start and I must say I found it a bit disappointing after the build up but I am glad I went. There were 12 dressed up elephants but I just feel so sorry for them because they have to walk this entire route wearing their own chains. The big deal here is Kandyan music and dance. It can be a school major. I find it so interesting how feminine it is for the men who move their arms like women ballet dancers. The first time I saw it I thought the men where particularly gay. I have probably mentioned that in this country men are very affectionate with each other, hold hands, walk arm in arm, more then women. The other thing I found so un-modern was that the parade is lit by men who carry these long polls with a rod iron basket filled with lit coals. As they walk, the coconut oil that is used to light the coals drips hot oil out of the basket. Of course, no one was slightly concerned but me.
Anyway, The real deal Perahara is in August in Kandy. It is world famous and I have already booked a hotel and seats! I am totally overindulging for my birthday!

WOMAN IN THE DUNES

2010-05-08T19:25:00.000-07:00

   Many years ago I saw, what became, one of my favorite films. It is Japanese, slow and I thought it very existential at the time. There was something horrible yet wonderful about what happened to this person in the film. In the last few weeks, so much has happened. I attended for free, a 4 day silent meditation retreat at this beautiful resort ($485 per night) on the south coast of Sri Lanka. Ironically this was a town devistated by the Tsunami. I went to work, I advised the nursing staff about various things like jotting down in the ticket (chart)! when a patient tries to hurt themselves or others. I actually, with the great help of my sister volunteer, got 15 Alcoholic Anonymous members here from Colombo, 7 hours away. We got them transportation, sleeping accommodations, food, a 4 hour meeting attended by most of the staff as well as our new Consulting Psychiatrist who has finally arrived and quite a few Alcohol patients and their partners who mostly stayed through the entire meeting and want to continue! We even served everyone tea in china cups. I feel hugely gratified by this. The AA people will take turns coming back one time a week until a meeting gets fully established here. It is truly a service organization. I think I have mentioned the huge alcohol, spousal abuse and suicide rate here connected to alcoholism. If this takes off it will be a start in changing the problem. (yes I am ashamed to say I am bragging a little..so full of ego am I!) I finally found a translator and he arrived the first time on Monday afternoon for us to find no available staff that day for us to meet with..this is the Sri Lankan way like ordering breakfast to be delivered by 7:30AM for the AA people and at 7:50 it is just getting loaded into the tuktuk to be taken and then despite assuring me (thru a translator) he knew where the hotel was, getting lost and arriving half an hour later at the hotel (of course calling in between to tell me no one was there..wherever he was!) As one of the doctors told me, this is the Sri Lankan way. If I don't learn patience here, I am hopeless!
   With each event or activity that occurs here, I always find that at home awaiting me is laundry to wash, a house to clean, ironing to be done, food to be shopped for and prepared, a body to be washed, teeth to be brushed...It struck me so clearly one morning that no matter where I am or what I am getting done or not, life is the same whether I am in NY or Badulla.
  Moment to moment events may or may not be different, but what changes the moment is being in it, just being where I am.. What I love about Woman In The Dunes is that slavery becomes freedom for this person. Of course I am not condoning slavery to learn how to free ourselves but I do think that any moment can be anything depending on how we allow ourselves to experience it.
   Now this does not preclude the fact that 5 members of the psychiatric staff are pregnant or partners of pregnancy so it leads me to think a lot about how much "fun" everyone else besides me, is having these days!

Problems and lessons

2010-04-20T05:47:00.000-07:00

   I have a problem, I can't throw out my garbage today. My landladies (thought that would be a change from landlords), go thru my garbage! No matter what I try to hide in there, they go thru the peals and crap and find stuff. I know this because I had some bad cheese one day and threw it out and Rajapaksha came to me and said don't throw away food, give it to us. The dog got it! He was upset. Ancy has since told me they go thru everything. So it wouldn't be a problem except that I don't like all the sweets they gave me and want to get rid of them. I can't give them away because everyone has tons of sweets because of the New Year. Another problem I am having is itches and rashes. I am not afraid of much in the way of animals or bugs except for 2 things, head lice and bed bugs. We had patients with head lice and I went out and bought combs for the staff to use on them but it left me uneasy. You know how when you sweat and the sweat dries, you might feel itchy on your body or your head, well this is happening and I am also getting mosquito bites and other little bites as well as teeny little ants that appear on my body somehow this season..I am now fearful that all this itching is head lice and bed bugs and I am freaked out. Of course, I do have bites and a rash on both arms but there is no evidence of either dreaded infestation on my person or in my bed. I am washing everything that goes on my bed today though.
   I think I have mentioned that one of the things I am attempting to do is get AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) here to Badulla and then to the Tea Estates where there is a high incidence of alcoholism, spousal abuse and suicide. So a date was set, arrangements were vin the works, calendars adjusted and then Nilantha, one of my favorite, best social workers ever, told me that with the New Year and the amount of time he won't be around, he couldn't get it all done by the date selected. I was annoyed. He, like many Sri Lankans I think, don't like to say no or don't think ahead, it was obvious that this would be a problem, even I knew but let the planning go on. I hated being annoyed with him but it was terrible telling all these AA people that they had to reschedule their work again. Hopefully people will learn from this and it will happen two weeks later. I am not sure that one thing has happened here that has not had to be rescheduled.
   Because of the date being changed however, I could apply to be invited for free to a meditation retreat happening at this luxury resort in Galle. There were 2 open spots for those on the email list for a meditation center in Colombo. I put my name on the list a while ago in the hopes that I could meditate with them when I go to Colombo. Anyway, I had not applied for the retreat because the AA group was happening. I then applied, too many people for spots of course and the question came can you stay thru Monday noontime. Staying thru Monday noontime means I cannot be back by 2:30PM that day when I have finally scheduled a translator (yeah) to spend an hour working with me the support staff . What to do...Well I said I could stay, I have been accepted to the retreat and will start the translator and the sessions one week later. However, though not quite the same as what happened with AA being rescheduled, it is close enough to make me pretty Sri Lankan!

The Avuruddha

2010-04-13T20:48:00.000-07:00

Okay, this is it, I have only enough for one more cup of American coffee left. This will be the true test of whether I have acclimated to this country. Actually, I drink one cup of coffee in the morning and then about 11am really enjoy a cup of tea with the staff sometimes again about 4:30pm.

Today is a huge holiday here, although I must say there are many, many holidays here. This is Sinhala and Tamil New Year or The Avuruddha. It essentially celebrates the end of the harvest. Basically pretty much 3/4 of the country seems to stop working and go home or to visit family. Nothing much happens, post office stops functioning, stores close, restaurants close, for a week or more. The actually holiday is one day but there is the preparation leading up to the holiday and then the stuff that happens the day after the holiday and then the traveling back from family and so forth. so basically from this past Monday until next Monday or Tuesday, nothing goes on. Actually since last Thursday was election day the holiday seems to have started then. Patients of course need to be taken care of but many were discharged so they could vote and then be home for the New Year so the ward is very quiet and of course staff are not on full capacity.

So, what happens actually on this holiday? Well what I am gathering is that it is sort of like Passover or Jewish New Year. The entire house is cleaned top to bottom, new things for the home are purchased, new clothing is bought for the whole family. Certain foods that are significant, especially milk products like milk rice or Kiribath which celebrates the harvest of the rice, are prepared. Tons of sweets of various forms are made and lots of bananas are eaten. So all this preparing goes on until a certain hour on the day before the holiday, in this case the about 11pm on the 13th. At that point the fire of the stove must be extinguished and the stove cleaned and it is relit the following day at a time determined by the astrologers. No food is eaten in between this time either and no work is performed, it is a time of quiet and reflection. Then in this case at 9am this morning, the stove is lit, milk is boiled over on it to celebrate prosperity and health and everyone eats all day! Very loud firecrackers are set off all over, I can attest to that since it has been happening for several days now! Also money is passed between parents and children and children and parents as a sign of respect and prosperity in the coming year, I believe. It is truly a family holiday, people go to their parents wherever they are as much as possible. (Interestingly enough, Christians and Muslims do not celebrate this holiday but do benefit from the days off from work. Yes the country is really, really divided between 4 religions, Sinhala people being Buddhist and Tamils being Hindus.) The day after the holiday, there are still rituals with oil being placed on the head and certain kind of bathing. Anyway, I was hoping someone would invite me to their home to witness this ritual and as it turns out I am invited to Laxmi's home for lunch today. She is one of the nurses I have written about. I have unfortunately been benefiting from the holiday all week because people have been "baking" and making milk toffee for days. Staff have brought it to work and yesterday, my landlady brought up an entire tray of about 6 or 7 different treats for me. Pretty much everything made here is deep fried like oil cakes and things like funnel cakes. There cholesterol numbers are high as you can imagine. Outside my window at this very moment the firecrackers are going crazy, it is just past 9AM, the time the eating can begin! I think I'll go have breakfast.

work and other stuff

2010-04-04T08:08:00.000-07:00

   I wish you could here the sounds coming from outside right now. Each morning there is a moslem call to prayer at about 5AM or so. Well right now it sounds like a bunch of guys trying to be a sort of Moslem barbershop quartet singing like the morning but in harmony, in my neighbors yard.
   There is not a lot going on at work because we still do not have a consultant Psychiatrist so right now we are screwed. They took one of our doctors because they can and we have no one to fight for us. This is the system, we can't do ECT or keep aggressive patients so we have less than 20 patients right now. We did write a letter to the Minister of Health who is from Badulla and I think is also the brother in law of the president or something like that, telling him how desperate we are, and how bad it is for patients who have to go far away from home for treatment. It has given me more time though to sort of just hang out with the staff. Before I came I was told that there was a great hierarchy here between each level of staff. So far that is not actually what I am seeing, with a couple of horrifying exceptions, I find most of the staff to be pretty respectful of each other. Staff are made up of 4 Medical Officers (doctors), 8 RNs, 2 Social Workers who actually aren't master's level yet but we are working on it, an OT and 10 Support staff who are called Minor staff which I hate of course. The doctors aren't separate really, don't seem to expect particularly different treatment, know everyone. That's not to say doctors don't get different treatment because they do. The other day I went to another hospital with Dr. S. to see what other clinics are like and we go in this leather seated, plush car. When the nurses go on home visits, we are lucky if we get a trishaw or an ambulance. Nevertheless, in some ways it's less hierarchical then in the states. People don't seem to value themselves as so much better because of their work. Now there is probably a greater difference in thinking about roles between the Sinhala people and the Tamils and within castes in the tamil population which is just as crazy. Anyway, I am feeling very fond of a lot of the staff. The other day I fell ill, I'm OK, I think it was something I ate but the doctors and nurses were so sweet, several doctors came over to my home to visit and one of the nurses has been checking in. The other thing that happened which is most disturbing is the theft of 2 signs I had had written to put up for the new support staff but really for all the staff. I had one sign made in Sinhala and one in Tamil although that one hadn't been put up yet, I was working on convincing the nurse in charge that both needed to be there. The sign said in essence: Treat people with dignity, respect, equality and as you would a loved one. One day, last week the sign was removed from the wall. It disappeared. All the staff were very upset about it and a few days later, the Tamil sign which was sitting there also disappeared. The nurses got together and talked about it, the doctors and social workers, it was as if it was an affront to all of us. Our social worker and his father spent one night trying to translate my english into sinhala and then Dr. S. worked on it and got another sign made. I don't think that would happen in the US.
   The Lankans love holidays or they love days off work so in these three weeks or so they take off for Good Friday, Easter, Tamil New Year, Sinhalese New Year, Poya (Buddhist) Day and more! The New Year time is very special, sort of like Passover. They clean their houses thoroughly, clean out the stoves, buy special ingredients, wash in a particular way and put on oils, cook and eat and visit parents but it is all determined to the minute by the astrologers who tell them when to do what on which day.
   Oh I almost forgot, big, big news, literally around the corner from me they are putting up a resort/hotel with a restaurant and a pastry shop. They actually have wonderful food, the rooms are beautiful, Ancy and I are in shock, this is Badulla. Some rooms actually have AC and hot water! They are around $20 a room. It's a real restaurant, yippee. We had breakfast Saturday morning, she had dinner Friday eve. Aside from that, I have now located wonderful hotels on beautiful tea estates, people could actually come to Sri Lanka and hardly ever have to pee in a hole in the ground!
   Speaking of Ancy, I am on the lookout for a baby maker for her. She is 37 years old and really wants a baby, she'll take a husband but really wants a baby so now all the staff are talking about who they know that could make good babies!

Capacity Building

2010-03-22T09:54:00.000-07:00

h When I was in Colombo at our mental health meetings last week, it became clearer to me what we are here for. We are supposed to be capacity building, helping the staff here build their capacity to deal with patients, the system, the community in a more client centered way. I have been approached by several staff of different disciplines asking many questions and wanting to learn from me. My approach has been a more mentoring one which I think is best. I have informed staff that I am ready and available to meet with them as groups regularly and they need to approach the powers that be to make that happen. I have stopped asking to set up meetings that don't happen.
   It is interesting though, this capacity building idea because I realized that it is a skill I myself am not great at and I think has gotten me in emotional trouble throughout my life. Last week a friend asked to join me and Lieve to go to Nuwara Eliya next week. We said sure and then I said, I'll call the hotel and try to get a room etc. Lieve asked why I didn't give Nadia, our friend the name and number of the place and let her call and get the information herself! Now isn't that interesting that that never occurred to me? Duh as they say. This makes perfect sense and is capacity building for Nadia but for me too! When I was in therapy with wonderful Betty she used to ask me why I did certain favors for Mari and I would say because I can, the place is close to my work etc. I never understood what she meant, what was the big deal. I get it now. In a way it is operating from the self out with the idea of assisting others but not taking over for them. Everyone get's taken care of that way with no resentment.
   In a way, I am learning to take responsibility for myself this week as I prepare for these 4 hours of presentations I have to do for the health workers on the tea estates. I have gathered information from many people, it is great but not quite what I need, I have to prepare it, I have to present it. I am a person who doesn't always know what she thinks until she starts to talk. I am sure what I say is based on knowledge and ideas I have had but I really don't have a lot of experience preparing an actual lecture or workshop. Well no one is doing this for me, I am being forced to capacity build, I think this is one of the reasons I am here for, the next step in my maturity as a person, taking full responsibility for my own capacities or lack of!
   How ironic, I just got an email that said, "    "Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others" The Buddha

My new favorite Priest

2010-03-19T04:13:00.000-07:00

So, the trip by bus was so horrible going to Colombo this time that I decided I would take the long train trip home, at least the scenery is beautiful (til I did it again..ugh 12 hours!). I asked Evelyn, the secretary at VSO to call the train station for me and make a reservation. This is how others have done it. When she called she was told now I must go to the station and buy my ticket. So late in the afternoon, I jumped into a tuk tuk and took the 300rupee trip (almost $3..a lot) to the station. When I arrived there and figured out where to buy a ticket for the reserved train, different place then unreserved, I am told that tickets can only be purchased between 6am and 2pm daily. This is very typical for here, not being told more then you ask. Don't forget that Evelyn called and spoke Sinhala. Anyway, I was a bit annoyed but.. hey..so I went outside and decided to take the bus back because I was not spending that kind of money on a tuk tuk. So I went back into the station and asked the man were I get the bus. He told me and then happened to mention that I could see what trains still had reservations available by turning around and looking at this huge board. It turned out that for the entire weekend, there was only one train left having seats so I knew I had better get to the station early the next morning.
In the meanwhile I have 2 plans I needed to get back across town for, so I jumped on the bus in the Fort area where the train station is and a few blocks along my phone rang. It is Father Patrick, my friend that I was meeting that eve. for dinner. He said, can you come to the Fort, there is an AA meeting happening now and they would like to meet you. (this is about Patrick helping me to find people to start an AA meeting in Badulla where we have terrible alcohol/spousal abuse problems). Of course this was amazing because I was in the Fort which I never am, so I jumped off the bus, never paid, and walked back to this Catholic building I didn't know existed and went to an AA meeting. After the meeting Patrick said he will be another hour he was giving a lecture. The lecture was in English so of course I asked to sit in. Patrick is the head of the counseling service for families in this area (he is an analyst as well as a priest). The church gives a 6 month very extensive course to volunteers from the community in how to counsel couples and families. He said "you can sit in, better you can give a lecture on mental illness and how to deal with couples with an ill member" and proceeded to introduce me! Needless to say, I had to stand up and do something so I talked for about an hour. I did explain mental illness but I also told them about what I thought was important for them to know about doing couples therapy. Interestingly, most of the questions were about how to handle mentally disturbed children, in the family, classroom, in general. They have little treatment available for children and many of these volunteers are school teachers who have to handle the children and families. Sex was actually a big issue.
Anyway, after that it was already 8:30pm and Patrick suggested we eat upstairs where there is a priests' residence. After the shock of being allowed even invited into this holy place, I said yes. I wish I had had a tape recorder. I had one of the most fun and funniest evenings I can remember. There were 4 priests. 2 were quieter but very pleasant and welcoming. Patrick is delightful and lively and has lived in NYC, he is a wonderful connecting bridge for me between the two cultures since he is Sri Lankan. The 4th priest was Father Peter. He has a very dry, humorous wit and we hit it off immediately. I talked with him about everything and he with me. We laughed and teased each other like crazy, he now tells me I better not die in SL because I haven't told him what to do with me and after all he is a priest. (Today he said he'd give my body to science if I insisted on dying here). He told riotous stories about living in Texas and the bible wielding holier than thou people. We talked about gays and lesbians in SL and mostly he validated so many thoughts I have had about this government and even buddhist monks here. We talked about my ticket dilemma too and he offered to go in the morning and bring me the ticket and he really did show up at VSO at 4pm the next afternoon, ticket in hand.
When I had gotten on the bus to go to Colombo there was a very lovely moslem couple, who where from Badulla but had lived in the middle east. I knew they were moslems because she wore a head scarf. There names are Rumaiza and Siraj. We talked a lot, we shared food and we all said we would like meet in Badulla. Yesterday they called and invited me to dinner. I have spoken to Peter who will be nearby in April, this too is typical of Sri Lanka, I truly have 3 new friends.

Musing and more..

2010-03-09T05:16:00.000-08:00

   I just had a lovely afternoon. I spent time on the ward with 2 of my favorite nurses who were covering from 1pm on. They and one other nurse are my favorites because they are excellent with the patients, they don't get annoyed with them or try to get rid of them, they care about them, they are good psych nurses. They are also the most curious, wanting to know about me, about traveling about life outside of Sri Lanka. They share a tremendous amount with me especially about family and money, the two major worries and stressors of most Sri Lankans that I meet. Women have little life here after marriage, husband, home, cooking, children, work, extended family. There is little time and frequently little money for other things. Anyway, Samantha and Roshanie are their names (the third is Laxmie..eat with your right hand nurse). We all have very good senses of humor and I do believe we are all genuinely fond of each other. Maybe what we shall bring to each other is a desire to know more, learn more and make more of what they want, happen.
As I walked home, it was later then usual and the little lane I walk along from the hospital, had kids in many front yards. They were so happy and talked to me so easily, one little boy started explaining in English! what he was doing with a stick. It just felt so sweet. I am still a novelty to children and they look at me with wonder then I smile and they smile and then they tell mommy and everyone smiles.
   Last week I had a day I loved going out on home visits with the nurses to areas that are so beautiful on or near certain tea estates. This is the area where I wanted to fix up two 90 year olds and after seeing them again, I am convinced an effort should be made in this direction! The area is called Demodara. This was the last home visit with Mahendra, the only trained MH nurse who has now left to live elsewhere. For me it has been a joy to go out and see the beauty of the countryside, marvel at how they find these patients down little alleys, up big mountains, along railroad tracks and now many of them know me and I feel so privileged to know them and their families. I am giving up the issue of privacy mostly for patients on the ward and elsewhere because this is not an issue here. Lankans do not for whatever cultural reasons, care about being private or keeping secrets in that way. Very few houses have doors on the inside. Covering the doors are curtains. It reminds me of that movie with Kevin Cosner where he lived with Indians and 20 of them lived in the same tent and they just expected each other to respect their space like when they were having sex. Our social worker, Nilantha, who is fantastic and kind, told me the story of the village he lives in, his parents live in, lots of neighbors and he said sometimes after lunch he and his wife might want to nap but the door is always open and if someone comes in you offer tea, that's the way it is. Family, neighbors, group support is a basic part of the culture.
   The last time I wrote about ignorance and OK I'm admitting, I am the ignorant, judgmental one of west and east. I used to think of my mouth sometimes as being a bull in a china shop; over the years I have worked very hard on this, now I feel like I am a bull in a china shop but it is mostly in my head! I am fortunate that my head is so hard or I would have a massive headache. I remembered Jay Leno being on the street and asking questions and the amount of people who don't know basics of the country or the world. I was incensed before I left at a friend of mine who said that I might try to push my ideas, being white , down the throats of these minorities. I am realizing that although I don't want to come in with my ideas and push them on the people here in some ways it just happens and is pushed on me. I am seen as more important, being white is prized. This is why I am confused about what to do here because who says my way is better and so much is subjective. There are somethings like broken shards of glass in a window on the psychiatric ward that are dangerous anywhere and that I felt I needed to push, however, they had been there a year apparently, that's when a request was put in to get rid of them, and no one had tried to kill themselves. The SL way of suicide is usually poison. So in many ways, and please I am not being modest, I think I'm full of shit (not literally at all). So much of what they do here is good and our way isn't. Some things do need to change. No matter where in the world one is, a hugely high suicide rate of women who are abused because their husbands drink because they are so poor, anywhere, that issue can use improvement and help is wanted for that.
I just finished reading such a wonderful, enlightening book called: CRAZY LIKE US by Ethan Watters. It is basically about how the West (US, GB) have pushed our way with drugs but also with diagnoses on the East, taking no account of the differences in cultures. One chapter is about Sri Lanka and the diagnosis of PTSD after the Tsunami and the war...fascinating. I am exploring the issue with our doctors but language is so hard so it is slow going..speaking of which I found and unfound a translator. I had 2 posters made in Sinhalese and Tamil for the support staff saying essentially to care for the patients in the way you care for yourself or family. I was going to use these when I had my first meeting with the staff, of course this has yet to happen but some day..also the translator is not the right person for the job.
   Tomorrow I go back to Colombo to discuss what my first 2 months or so in Badulla have been like. I intend to talk about what I am confused about, what I can do and what I can't or am unwilling to do. I realized in the states i was always ranting about how much I hate development. In upstate NY they removed mountains to build shopping malls and the charm of old America is eked away but progress. I don't want to be part of breaking down the family and group structure. It is good. Schizophrenia is a less scary illness here then in the states. Families take care of their sick. i think i shall find good helpful ways of being without ramming anything down the throats of anybody and they just spit it out anyway!
   So what has been important to me this week: I bought a fitted sheet, it makes a major difference, I am going to Colombo and going to a classical music concert, I looked at the gowns of movie stars on the internet after the Oscars (Penelope Cruz wins hands down as usual), I love my new oven, I have taken to walking the streets of Badulla again (I was doing it less) and feel much more connected. I feel happy today.

ignorance

2010-02-28T03:21:00.000-08:00

   This week coming up may or may not be exciting. I got permission, when I was in Colombo last week, to hire a translator for sessions I want to have with the staff. I sort of got permission, it's not quite as easy as that, I have to find one, get prices and then in two weeks when I am back in Colombo I present what I have found out etc. etc. I choose to try to find a translator, pay for her or him and risk being reimbursed by VSO. Of course finding a translator is not easy, if however I do find one, I am going to start a weekly session with the support staff, most of whom are totally new and have no experience, and a bimonthly meeting with the nursing staff. It is a beginning and I am keeping my fingers crossed.
   I have continued to feel disturbed by the lack of knowledge the Sri Lankan have. I was sharing with one of the doctors the other day about the Tajikistan group that was here visiting VSO. He asked me where Tajikistan was; OK, lot's of people wouldn't know that. I explained about how when the USSR broke up all these countries reemerged and so forth. He asked me about the USSR and why they broke up! I keep trying to ask about Hitler, 2nd world War, Jews, no one knows. I asked a 19 year old studying for A level exams to get into University. He said they had some world history and social studies in school but very little. Mostly they study only about Sri Lanka. I asked someone about the Dalai Lama (this is a very Buddhist country), he said he had heard of him but knew nothing about him. Now I would have more understanding of this if we were in the hinterlands of Africa where it is still quite tribal and there is very little access to the outside world. This country makes a choice to not know. Perhaps as more people get computers, more will know more. The newspapers here have very, very little about anything besides Sri Lanka. There is joy, dancing, yelling, firecracker lighting etc. for every event including the nominations yesterday for Parliament, the excitement was over the nominations of people who are aligned with the president who had disbanded the Parliament that existed a week or two ago. Now please, I have no desire to be unfair, oh no. I read the Sunday NY Times editorials each week. No the ignorance of the the Americans certainly rivals that of the SLs. Two articles jumped out at me today, Al Gore's on climate change and how we are heading for disaster, it get's worse and worse because we know more and more and everyone, the government, individuals just keep buying anything they want without a care about the future of the planet or their own future kin for that matter. The other article by Frank Rich about the guy who killed himself and someone else in an IRS office in Texas, the Tea Party Party and where that is all headed really made ignorance neck and neck in the two countries. So here I am, feeling upset about the state of the worlds I live in so what to do? I set up the ironing board, put in my ipod ear plugs, listened first to one of my favorite musicals "Dear World" which hardly anyone remembers but is filled with wonderful music sung by Angela Lansbury and is about fighting the big bad guys to save the world from ecological destruction!! (I cannot figure out why this show has not been revived, it is so timely). I sang my heart out and then, still not finished ironing!!! I put on Essential Women in Blues and danced my heart out..then I decided to write this although I am sure anyone reading this would have been happier if I just kept dancing and didn't sit down at my computer!
   I am pretty sure I have referred to my landlady and her husband as Charlotte and Caru. Ancy has repeatedly asked where I got the names. When I arrived those were the names I heard. Well their names are Salgadu and Rajapasksa. No wonder they never turn around when I call to them as Charlotte or Caru! Speaking of Sal as I now refer to her, yesterday she gave me a present of an oven..yes an oven. The picture is next to this. It was actually the oven of Hannie who is the person I took over from here. It looks bizarre but actually it works. You put it on one of your two gas grills and it bakes. I haven't mastered getting the temperature right but I did make chicken last night with my own concoction of SL spices and no oil and it was great.
   Some of you have been concerned that I have given up my collecting of beautiful things like chickens and folk art paintings. Be assured, I have not. Last week I bought a rooster plate and at an outdoor art show a folk art painting by an 89 year old who sold it to me..he was amazing.
   I have not been wallowing in rumination on the state of the world this week. I have actually been much too busy since discovering a green algae type substance was growing all over the two filters in my water purifier. It was a great decision for me whether to find out how to get rid of it and if the water would again be pure or keeping the pretty green stuff and adding the fish I have been wanting for a fishtank!

mostly work..

2010-02-18T05:16:00.000-08:00

   I am so funny. I am chuckling to myself as I realize, here I am saying I am being in the moment, well yes being here in Sri Lanka and not in the US in my head, but what am I thinking about when I become conscious? I am thinking about how I can't wait to go to Colombo tomorrow! Those who have been reading the blog might remember that I couldn't wait to leave Colombo to get to Badulla. Then, my perspective was let me start my wonderful new experience in Badulla, now my perspective is I can't wait to buy a decent set of sheets and meet my friends at the shops! I think that is so funny to realize (again). What have I missed of my life in these last few days?!
   Today most of the nurses, the OT, SWs, the attendant staff, Ancy and me, went to the home of Mahendra, the nurse who is leaving, to bring a baby gift for his 4 month old! So we all arrive, it is a tiny rented house, not much different then the houses of a lot of patients we go to on home visits. So we take off our shoes and go into his living room. Everyone sits down, chats a bit, food is put out, we all get up and help ourselves, we all eat, some people outside or in the bedroom. After eating everyone gets in a line to get to the sink and wash their own dish. Then dessert is served in similar fashion. Meanwhile, I have been taking pictures here and there and say when we are finished we can take a group photo. No one says anything. After dessert, rapidly after dessert, one, two then almost all the staff stand up and leave! No gift has been presented, no chit chat, coffee or tea, hanging out..no, the Sri Lankan way is: come, eat and leave!
   I don't know if I have talked about the houses here. I shall in greater detail some other time but for now I can say the walls don't come up as far as the roof and the roof is usually tin. There are few doors on openings. almost everyone has a two burner stove top, few have ovens. Sometimes there are windows but then there is an opening at the top which let's the mosquitos in.
   For the last month I have been going weekly with Mahendra and another nurse on home visits. This is for patients who don't come to the clinic to get their medication so we go to them and give them Modicate (Prolixin injections) and whatever other medications. I did talk about this before. It is actually wonderful that this is done. Most of the patients live on the tea estates. Tea is grown on steep hills and mountains and has to be picked regularly; very, very hard work. There is a lot of poverty, alcoholism, spousal abuse, suicide. Ancy has an idea to train the few health workers who are on the estates in clinics to know a bit more about mental health so this is something we shall work on. What I wanted to share though is a bit of what it is like to get to some of these people. The other day we drove (we now use an ambulance for transport) to a location, we walked up a hill to the railroad tracks, we walked for some time on the railroad tracks, we got off them and walked down into someones backyard. These lovely people live with a 90yo mother, her daughter, sister, kids etc. These people served us tea and cookies. need I tell you were the store might be. We then walked back up to the train tracks, back along them, walked up hill to another home with a 90 year old father and the rest. I thought we should fix the two 90 year olds up, they were so lovely and so young and vibrant. The problem is that one is Buddhist and the other Hindu. oh well... We then tried to get to another woman who I have met before on the estate and couldn't get to her because every lousy dirt road on that estate is being fixed at the same time and we couldn't get to the top where she lives. This means that she will have no medication for a month...
   I am just telling you everything that comes into my mind because I shall be away almost a week and shall not have an opportunity to write. Also obviously I feel better and am overwhelmed with projects to do having just found out that most of the attendants on the ward asked to leave and we got 6 new ones, never worked in psych before, the one attendant who is staying is the one that pushes and shoves patients so I am anxious to get them together in a group and talk before too much influence happens the wrong way. By the way, I cannot thank you who read my blog enough, for all your wonderful ministrations to me and have saved them all should I need choochkeying(?) again! Anyway what I wanted to tell you is a continuation of telling you how frustrating it is to never know what is being said and I get so annoyed. So I now know that the nurses are frequently talking about me, if they like what I am wearing, the fact that I have 2 earrings in one ear and one in the other, what I should do with my hair etc. So several times I have asked what they are talking about and they vaguely say something about my smile or face or something. Today I said in my tell me already fashion to let me know what else is said about me and Laxmi said essentially to stop worrying because they are talking about how pretty I am, my smile. So I know this is just a stage they have to go thru, getting to know me and pick me apart until there is trust but I think they should just take their time about it!!!

continuation of the last one...

2010-02-14T00:10:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I shall ever post this, but I am getting myself more fully right now so had to write it down. I might as well do it here. I am feeling this sick feeling inside, sickness that I feel when if I cry it will release it, sometimes it stays with me and I get depressed but I won't let that happen at this point in my life. What I think it is is a giant temper tantrum! I still seem to hold onto grandiose ideas about who I am and what I should be doing. I can feel like a fraud knowing that I really don't know a lot of actual, factual stuff. I bluster a lot. People are telling me how brave I am, how I am doing this and that but in my heart I know that I am protesting being here at this placement in Badulla because I do not feel qualified to write and present trainings and make slide shows and things like that. I actually think that my suggestions to the VSO office that people who have written wonderful trainings be allowed to publish them and we all use the same ones throughout the country is a great idea. I think we are all reinventing the wheel over and over but I also know I am a good talker but not an educator and my mind goes blank when trying to think of things that should be said in such a forum and I therefore want out of being seen as inadequate, and honestly I don't want to do it! I have always said I am lazy. On the other hand I can't seem to let myself just sit around observing and seeing where my input, in my way, may be useful which is what I have been advised to do. On the other hand I really do think one volunteer is quite enough for Badulla. I volunteered to feel like I might be of some service and that would be better served in a place like Jaffna where all these poor refugees from the war are still suffering. On the other hand I am probably just being grandiose again as a defense against feeling inadequate! It is somewhat confusing but I think I get it. I felt much better a few minutes ago when I got an email from one of the other volunteers who is in Cameroon who appreciated something I did and I thought, yes, that is who I am, that is what I can do by example is truly hear and care about what people are trying to say only I can't understand them because I don't speak their language! I am going to publish this because it is honest and where I truly am.

My funk...

2010-02-13T00:01:00.000-08:00

   I have had a bit of a funk this week. I think it is partly feeling some confusion at work or around work for VSO, feeling lonely, and just the time. I decided I could hang out and feel really shitty which I did a little or I could try to take some action. I of course have my little Buddhist and other sayings up on my wall that tend to get me back on track and I also decided to call some of the contacts Hannie, the person who I replaced, had made. So I called Shabby who was one of her friends from the Lions Club. It so happened that that night was the annual Lions Club dinner and ironically she had met Hannie exactly two years earlier at this event! So despite the fact that I was to meet her at 7:45pm (practically my bed time), I put on my prettiest outfit (thank goodness because it was practically a formal affair), called a tuk tuk and met Shabby, Kevin and their two kids at this do. It didn't take me out of my sadness but it was quite an exposure to the richer side of Badulla. The saris where unbelievably beautiful. Have I mentioned that women here do not wear makeup, don't shave their legs, that almost all women wear their hair long and pulled back? Anyway, I was glad I went. I feel better now, somehow just letting each day be what it is. I find I must plan something for the future, a trip even if for a day, it helps.
   In the last two days I found out that the Consulting psychiatrist Dr. K is leaving to go back to Australia. Also Mahendra the only trained psychiatric nurse who also is the main translator for me is leaving to move home to Galle. This is huge because everything depends on the support and approval of the psychiatrist in this system and I am already at a huge disadvantage not being able to speak the language to the staff, now it will be even harder. The nurses are really trying to use as much of their english as they can and we have been doing not too badly. Dr. K said to expect only little changes and that over 2 years it has improved. Oh well, this is minor compared to so much in the world that is really awful.
   What do you think of this font? My cousin sent an email in it and I thought, wow, I can do that. Today I was supposed to have my hair henna' d. I don't particularly care but one of the nurses insists it will take years off so we headed out looking for a beauty parlor that could do it. We couldn't find one actually. It was odd but they only have black henna or tint, neither of which I wanted. I did decide a few days ago however that I needed to make some food I could have in the fridge for whenever and so I made pickled beets and onions and was able to share this american dish with my landlady who is always sending up food and with one of the nurses who also made me my favorite dish, Sambol. So my beets are called beet curry and served with the other curries at breakfast, lunch or dinner..who knows.
   Here is one of the issues here, aside from feeling terrible because I never know what anyone is saying and those who know me know that would drive me up a wall since I want to know everything, all the time; people don't quite tell you the truth, they don't lie but they sort of tell part of a story or maybe they accidentally get a tense wrong and so they say something is going to happen and it doesn't or they think maybe they will do it a week from yesterday or whatever. It drives me mad. I have a feeling it is an Asian thing because even Ancy who tells me she doesn't like this does it! We all laugh a lot though, Mahendra says terrible about almost everything from a very minor event to a major trauma so of course we all walk around saying terrible, terrible all the time.
   My camera is almost fixed, it was fixed and then unfixed but hopefully tomorrow it will be fixed. I can't wait, there are so many great pictures I see as I walk around. Did I tell you that this is the noisiest place I have ever tried to sleep. I am not bothered by a baby crying or usual night noises. I have barking dogs that can go on all night, various religious recordings, seems to be a combination of Buddhist chanting, Hindi and Muslim chanting, other animals cavorting, and very early on the birds, dogs, chanting and other varieties of things. Sometimes it is deafening, no kidding and I am practically surrounded by king coconut trees, papaya trees and other glorious things!
   It's Saturday morning here and I got an email from my sister letting me know that Margaret DeP., probably the last of my parents really old friends (Rudy DeP and my father were friends since they were 10 years old in Roxbury, Ma.) had died at the age of 99. I feel very sad. There are many reasons to feel sad, the loss of someone I truly loved (my favorite childhood memories are of going to Rudy and Margaret's and their twins, little Rudy and Margaret and Uncle Brother (Rudy's brother, the priest), cooking lobsters, eating great meals, getting presents like giant pink piggy banks, but mostly the amount of love in that house and when we were there it extended to us. So, that is a reason to feel sad, I kept saying I was going to visit Margaret and little Margaret, the only ones left, for the last several years, and I didn't. I think her passing represents so much in terms of my parents and my life, so many reasons for sadness. I started wondering, what do people here in Sri Lanka do with feelings like this? Do they acknowledge them, do they talk about them? Do they get depressed, hospitalized or what. An interesting thing happened on Ward 12 this week. A patient who was admitted with mania several weeks ago and discharged in good shape a couple of weeks ago, was readmitted. She seemed fine to me. I kept asking various staff why she was back. They answered me but not real answers, they said her husband was an alcoholic and abusive and she was here for that reason. I kept saying he should be here, not her. I must have asked 4 staff before one of the doctors finally explained that she has been admitted at her request so that our social worker can go to the home and talk to the husband and let her separate. They are doing this to help her socially live a better life! I think that is amazing. So what am I here for, I can't improve on something we wouldn't even do at home. I know similar cases in the US and people, family, got no help from the system we have!
   While I have been writing this a friend Skyped me and then my landlady and her husband came to the door to offer me food tomorrow night and ask for a favor, meanwhile I am soaking my clothes I am washing and then my other neighbor came up to see my home and my friend was no longer on Skype! Life can be so different from moment to moment as can moods. I can only be in the moment, sometimes it's terrible, sometimes it's fine, it always is something.

I am always doing something wrong...

2010-02-04T00:08:00.000-08:00

   I am always doing something wrong here around eating. The hospital staff I work with, particularly the nurses but also the OT are usually finding something wrong with the way I eat. As I told you, I was using the wrong hand (BTW, at home, by myself, I use my left hand), I was not gathering my food properly, I held a banana in my hand instead of holding from the peel on the outside, I did not wash my hands immediately before eating (this I find hilarious considering there is hardly any soap anywhere and they don't wash from patient to patient!) The latest faux pas was yesterday when we were all sharing a meal and Laxmi, a nurse I am very fond of, said as I licked my fingers, "in our culture, we do not lick our fingers!"
   Many years ago, in the 60s, I saw a film and later read the book, "Woman in the Dunes". It is Japanese, very slow moving and at first viewing, frightening. I think about that film a lot. It was very existential at the time (still is I'm sure) but at some point I realized how well it fits into a Buddhist philosophy of mindfulness, of being present wherever you are. I wrote that I am were I am and that is true, I am not thinking about my home and my things, films or theater. I feel I am fully living here. That doesn't mean I am always were I am though! I still struggle with my mind about people and life and go off in my head just like everybody else. I really miss my Sangha, my meditation group that I went to every Tuesday eve. It's weird, this is a Buddhist country but Buddhism is so ritualized here that it is like a form of religion and I haven't had time to investigate places I might go to sit that would feel ok to me. However, very weird, the monks have cell phones and the average person does not meditate!!!!
   Today is a holiday here. There are many holidays in Sri Lanka. People tell you laughingly how many holidays there are and how they enjoy them. I guess I was thinking about the film because I am home today just being home. I do think a lot about work. I was feeling bad because things they need, I don't really know how to do like writing a training program. I think I could carry one out with the help of others. I did contact some other mental health volunteers and one of them had an entire program so she sent it to me. I also got lots of great material from friends who teach in the US. What I really can offer is the years of experience with patients and other ways of treating them. Someone asked what I meant about people here wouldn't even be admitted in the states. I did exaggerate a little in that patients here would be in our clinics or with private practitioners but many of them wouldn't be admitted to our hospitals because they are not really suicidal, homicidal or dangerous to themselves or others because of how psychotic they are. They would be managed with medication and some kind of therapy. Here many families take care of the mentally ill and that is wonderful. When the person is more acutely ill than is normal for them, they are brought in. I have been reading these articles by Ethan Watters which have been in the NYTimes lately about how drug companies market to countries to get them to need their products. This has not happened here yet. They can't even get most more modern drugs and run out of needed drugs periodically. What I can unequivocally say is that the ward is unsafe for patients. There are parts of windows missing so glass shards are just sticking up in windows. It is wonderful that patients take care of each other, it is not wonderful how they are not taken care of by those that should protect them. on the other hand, in the US people would have tried to commit suicide with the glass, here no one seems to notice it! xI think it is not OK that patients are ignored sometimes and conversations continue while patients sit patiently waiting to be interviewed. This is part of their culture though and our culture is to get all blown up and huffy and annoyed at having to wait. We are angry a lot, they are not. They seem a much happier culture in general. People smile, they are helpful.  Do you know I don't see baby carriages in Sri Lanka! Babies until about 1 year old are carried. Sri Lankan people love their children. Yes most cultures love their children but here the children are so special it seems. They are held constantly. Maybe that's why there is less anger in the culture.

thoughts and reflections

2010-02-01T05:11:00.000-08:00

Sociologically this is a very different place from the west. Very little seems to be done individually here. Much is done and expected in groups. Patients think nothing of lining up and waiting for hours, they are obedient and don't get upset while waiting in huge groups at the clinic. People are usually with family and on inpatient, sometimes, family sleeps there with them in their beds or come back with food several times a day. Patients are in a huge room with 20 beds, no curtains, no privacy. Baths are together in this outside bathing area that I have shown you and patients help each other to wash their hair if needed. They are very helpful in general with each other, really taking care of each other on the ward and comforting each other. Little seems expected of the staff. It is as if the patients have now become a group, a patient group. Patients here, and I think this is in general not just in psychiatry, are totally obedient unless they are a little manic. The patients here who get admitted as acutely ill would barely have made it to a clinic or psychotherapy in the states. It is a very, very polite non individualistic society. The exception is that people do not step out of the way to let you pass, they just plow into you, it is so impolite and opposite everything else!!!! Because of this, unusual behavior is really not tolerated, they label it. Patients here I think get identified as schizophrenic and Bipolar who may not be so, who may be going thru something and could use some talking help.
I took the train to Kandy last week to meet a friend and see the town. The train ride is spectacular but extremely long. I took the bus home, a very interesting experience because it was an old, very dirty, smelly bus. They crowd as many people in as possible so there was standing room only by the time we left. The trip is 3 1/2 to four hours, I was on a seat where my tocks where on the seat but my but was off the seat. We were 3 in one longish seat. People were very polite and respectful of the little space they could give. Throughout the first half of the journey I kept thinking how grateful I was that I wasn't squished in the middle of the other two. Half way thru the ride we stopped for a tea and pee break. People get off and know to get back on 15 minutes later. I was surprised when the woman by the window told the guy in the middle he could have the window, then she looked at me and said would I please get into the middle. We all moved one place over! No one was carrying on on this crowded bus, it was a very orderly group.
People don't like to say no so thay will indicate yes or shake their head but the norm of society is to not say no. This is normal here. This can be a problem. The other day a trishaw driver I know said yes to picking me up for the train. He didn't show up, I called him, he said he was on the way, he didn't come while I was there. He probably couldn't come at that time but wouldn't say no. also people ask you what you want to buy, you tell them, they invite you into their shop and start offering everything else. They don't have what you want. I don't think they are trying to fool you they are hoping you will find something else in their shop.
Many people have commented (well many, maybe two) on how easily I seem to have adjusted to being here and I think that is true. I am able to be where I am. I think this is a blessing. My head is here, not in the USA. I am where I am. That doesn't mean I don't miss people. I miss talking. I miss telling someone the things that excite me and the things that are hurting or upsetting me. I love living in my home, it is ironically very similar to my NYC apartment, I love the orderliness of it, how clean it stays, I like the way I've set it up. My life is simple and now I have discovered thanks to my cousin Lyn that I can get summaries of Jon Stewart on my computer! What could complete my day more! It's weird, until she sent me this link, I hadn't really thought much about TV or movies although I have some with me. I read a lot . Right now I am in Olive Kittridge land, it's a fascinating land in it's everydayness and yet it's uniqueness. Just like life, the life most of us live no matter where we are.
So I have done further research into the toilet and soap situation. It is true that they do not use toilet paper here. They rinse off in one fashion or another (either with a pitcher of water or a sprayer that comes out of the wall) and drip dry. There should be soap at the sink in the toilets but in the hospital the government allocates very little soap, it get's used up before the next shipment comes or people take it. There is supposed to be something to dry your hands with but usually there isn't.
My Belgian friend Lieve who is also a volunteer, and I had a long talk about about our experiences in this country, their huge bureaucracy which is very cumbersome and works poorly. Sri Lanka was controlled by the British and it continues doing things the way the Brits did . The thing is that they don't seem to know why they do what they do. It is a country that was controlled by others and when they took over their own control they continued what they had seen. Unfortunately they never learned why they did what they did, making a request to do something differently near impossible. Lieve lived in Mozambique for a while and said it was a very similar dynamic. I shall keep studying this.

Since the last time

2010-01-22T23:56:00.000-08:00

I have felt quite disturbed the last week or so realizing that the Sri Lankan know very little about the world, past and present. When asked about my religion (since people have noticed my interest in Buddhist shrines), I talk about being raised Jewish and they look at me with blank faces. Few of the staff including RNs, know what Judaism is . I had one of the staff who did know say the word in Sinhalese and still nothing. I went into Hitler and the millions killed. They had heard of Hitler they had no idea about what happened. I felt somewhat eased when someone pointed out to me that I probably hadn't learned that much about Asian and African history and I think that is true. I wonder if now kids are learning in school about the horrible massacres that have occurred and continue to occur in Africa or events in Asia.
Last weekend I went to Ella and it was glorious. There is a huge Gap (think much larger then the Delaware Water Gap). There are two landmarks when standing looking at the Gap, one is a mountain on the left called Little Adam's Peak and the other is called Ella Rock. Ancy and I climbed both, one on each day. I was so proud, LAP is not very difficult but Ella Rock requires a guide and is very difficult and steep. It took 5 1/2 hours with a rest at the top. I was very proud of myself and pleased with my accomplishment. Of course when we got back and went to eat Ancy asked me what was wrong with my feet. Before I tell you this, I had been reflecting during my hike up the mountain, on my childhood days at Camp Weetamoe in Center Ossipee, New Hampshire. There we had climbed Mt. Shikorawa and that's probably the last time I climbed a mountain of this magnitude. The other thing that used to happen in the lake at camp is that we would come out of the water with leeches on us and we would be squealing and yelling while the counselors would have to put salt on them to get them off. You got it, I had had leeches on my feet from going through the forest that had dropped off somewhere but had left holes that were bleeding all over..ugh..gross huh?
This week I went on a bunch of home visits with the 2 psychiatric nurses. The purpose was to give Modicate which is equivalent to our Prolixin, an antipsychotic med. This is good. There is a system to medicate chronic patients who wont come into the clinic. The staff of the inpatient unit are the ones who do the home visits, also the ones who run the clinic..The location of where we visited is amazing. many people live in the tea estates which are up mountains with switchback roads, back and forth, a very long time to get up there. Apparently there is no health accommodation on the estates to cover medications. An issue is that there is never a reevaluation of the patient to see if they continue to need this drug, many of the patients seemed misdiagnosed, there is no system to get in touch with the patient so if we show up and the patient isn't there they don't get there injection unless a family member can get them into the clinic, some months apparently this drug and others just aren't available in the country so they have nothing or something they have never had before, and so some end up back in the hospital. The hospital is supposed to be acute care but if there is a family or placement problem they just keep the patient until they have straightened it out yet because they don't have time supposedly to wait while patients improve on drugs they use a lot of ECT to create a "cure".
I have read the ten year mental health plan for the country which is now half over. It is a good plan with the idea that the patient is central and a move toward community mental health and less in-patient. However the entire plan hinges on the consulting psychiatrist to be involved in every decision in every area of the plan for the entire district which is huge. Badulla district for example is one of two districts in Uva province. We are talking the equivalent of states, so one psychiatrist is in control of half of Massachusetts (Ma. being Uva Province). A huge issue also is that the patient is not at the center still. As I said this is a huge hierarchical system and from what I can see the patient is at the bottom. Anyway, I shall slowly see where I fit. I asked for a meeting this week with 5 key people which happened around planning what is possible, like setting up various groups that might be useful to patients on in-patient, rehabilitation unit, out patient settings and I felt good about that. What I don't feel good about is the number of patients who seem to have head lice..I am sceeved about that and am encouraging the staff to do something about it...I am so itchy now!! It does seem that the majority of time spent with patients is with the attendant staff. I am definitely going to try to work with them. The language problem however is huge..only one attendant speaks English and he is in the clinic..
Patients carry their records with them. They have a notebook that they bring to the clinic and when they get admitted. Nothing is wasted anywhere, nurses' journals, logs, planning whatever are in books made of cardboard that are taped together to make a front and back. Nurses give medication right out of the bottle yet everyone is very concerned about washing their hands before eating and using the right hand!
I think I'm ranting.
I just left to wash and hang up my towels. I have spent the morning washing clothes and putting them out on the drying rack. I finally washed my sheets having only bought one set, I needed to wait until a beautiful day when I knew they would dry. I also went to make a cup of French Roasted, french pressed coffee..anyway, have I mentioned the weather. I have lucked out, it is so lovely here sometimes at night and in the morning it is breezy and cool and it's rarely very humid even when hot during the day. We have some rain but less then I expected. Today and tomorrow I am cleaning and washing and writing this but I have lot's of time because we (VSO volunteers) have been ordered to stay indoors on Tuesday and Wednesday due to the election. Previously there has been some violence around elections and they are being very, very cautious with us which I know will please my sister Roberta immensely. I have been cooking a little and trying things with chilies and chili powder which I love. I have discovered however that it is much cheaper for me to buy my meals which range between 80 SLR (78 cents) and 140 SLR ($1.37).
I bought a beautiful shiny red motorcycle helmet so that I can ride on the back of Ancy's cycle. They are very strict about helmets here as they are about smoking on the street. It is so unpaved here yet I have very little if any dust in my home. This is very nice. I have been thinking however about this push for tourism now. I know the NYTimes is writing a lot of articles about SL. I really wonder if the country is ready for tourist and if the tourists are ready for SL. I don't picture most of the people I know using toilets that are holes in the ground, maybe having some hot water once a day for a shower, eating in restaurants were the norm is to use your hands etc. I am sure the touristy places will be more "westernized" but you still have to travel for many hours on terrible roads to get to your destination, private driver or bus or train. It takes forever to get anywhere. I am trying to arrange to get to Kandy for next weekend. It is very complicated.
Have I mentioned the women's clothing. Some women wear Saris, Indian type or Sri Lankan type. Some wear Shalwars which are long tops with matching pants, most wear skirts, below the knee or long with a blouse type shirt. Tops are made without darts for the breasts and bras are like we wore before seamless was invented. Men mostly wear slacks and a regular button shirt but many men wear sarongs on the bottom either full to the ankles or half to above the knee. Women do not wear makeup here and nails are kept short. I have seen a few women with toenail polish on. Everyone uses umbrellas, they are carried at all times, if it is sunny it is open, if it is raining it is open.
I keep having this experience where I think myself and another person, anyone, a colleague, a trishaw driver, anyone, have an understanding, we know what each other is saying, we have a plan and then the Sri Lankan will repeat the original question all over again as if we hadn't just gone thru this process. It must be a cultural thing.

Just a few things

2010-01-15T08:27:00.000-08:00

I think I mentioned that my camera had fallen in the Indian Ocean but then worked for a while..well it now seems to be on life support. No pictures til I can get it fixed. I am somewhat in awe of myself, I have to say, I am washing my clothes in a plastic bucket and IRONING them when they have dried on my clothing rack outside! I even bought a big new iron! Yes this is really me. I put music in my ears via my ipod and I'm off.... Oh, I have to explain about this toilet paper situation. They sell toilet paper here in the supermarket. The issue is that they don't put it in the public toilets. The toilets are either holes in the ground with a place to squat and then a tub of water and a pitcher to rinse yourself off or a western toilet with a bucket of water and a pitcher to rinse off. Sometimes as in my own bathroom, there is a hose in the wall to use to rinse off. I have taken to carrying toilet paper folded up in my bras.
So, Ancy arrived, I was very excited. The poor woman had been away for many weeks, had much to do and I felt more lonely than when there was no one here. I had a good cry, felt awful for a few hours, laughed at myself, I must have been holding my breathe waiting for her to come. Anyway, we are going to Ella tomorrow for the weekend. Ella is supposed to be a beautiful little hill town people visit to hike and relax in. Ancy is from southern India which she says is very different then northern India. She is 36, lovely and a highly trained psychiatric social worker. My experiences here are mimicking hers according to her. I can see where the country mental health system wants to go but there are no resources to get there. Health care is free for all but there just is no money. Wednesday I had a very nauseating (motion sickness) ride to Meedumpitiya Rehabilitation Center. The Psychiatrist really wants us to work on getting the place truly functioning as a half way sort of house for chronic psychiatric patients. The problem is that patients and their families don't want to be there, families are willing to take them home, patients are not required to do anything to stay there and mostly they have no resources, not a stick of wood to build a bookcase or a shelf..nada. They grow vegetables but half the time don't have enough water to keep the garden going. Right now there are presidential elections happening, lot's of campaigning, lots of promises so who knows. Have I mentioned that I do not have a translator for work which is making communication fairly difficult. What complicates matters more is that even those who speak some english can't understand my American accent. I know it's just the beginning, and besides I need the time to investigate this entire new destination country. As they say here, I shall go and come. (never goodbye)

Work...

2010-01-12T05:40:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I feel so reluctant to write about work. I have so little and yet so much to say. I don't know anything yet. I have no idea what I am doing, what I shall be able to do, what is needed or wanted of me. I have a million ideas and no ideas. I mostly work on Ward 12 of the General Hospital. It is over 100 years old and the psych. unit was adapted supposedly to accommodate psych patients. I think I described it in another blog entry. It is out of the dark ages. It is clean though. A cleaning team is there daily washing and dusting and completely cleaning one time week. They also do the gardening. The thing that is interesting to me, coming from another culture, is that the patients don't seem bothered by the age or lack of accommodation . Women and men are used to bathing with others and doing their own laundry by hand on the cement. It is noted if patients are not washing or doing their laundry as a symptom. It is just expected they will do their washing. Patients seem very well behaved compared to American patients and demand nothing. Manic behavior is like a mild temper tantrum. It is just not done here I guess. That is one of the many cultural things I need to learn more about, the behavior of people, on the street, in the hospital, at home, toward parents. I am baffled by how much ECT they do here, almost everyone, no matter their diagnosis, get's ECT and is put on antipsychotic meds. They use our newer antipsychotics but not our newer antidepressants.
The staff has been amazingly welcoming to me. The nurses, there are 8 of them altogether, notice my presence or absence, what I am wearing, the fact that I went to the dedication of the hospital. The attendants (also about 8 of them) also are attentive but less so. It has been very hard to set up a meeting time with the nursing staff where we can talk about what they need, want or are interested in. As of now, one is scheduled for Thursday at 10AM. That is a holiday but the best day for the most of them to be together. There are 2 Social Workers plus Ancy who I am finally meeting late tonight or tomorrow. One of the Social Workers is outstanding and works wonderfully with patients and their families. There is an Occupational Therapist who has only been employed there for a month and a half and is young, eager and speaks good English! Then there are the Medical Officers, 4 of them, with some Mental Health training and the Consulting Psychiatrist who is eager to bring Psychiatry into the 21 century. When I arrived, Dr. K. the psychiatrist, sat with me and some of the staff and confronted me with what I felt I could bring to improve things. I made a few observations which he didn't seem to think much of and then proceeded to list all the things he felt I could accomplish in the next 11/2 to 2 years. Some of it would not be in my knowledge base and some of it scared and overwhelmed me and some was exciting. The point was though that it was enough to fill 10 years of work! I went home that day and read over my notes (which I take constantly) and felt I was out of my league, got kind of glum, frightened I suppose. Dr. K. had asked me to summarize my career for the staff and I think I said to much because if I heard about that person, I would think she was capable of doing anything including writing workshops and proposals and all sorts of things I've never done. Anyway, the other part of this is that I really have nothing to do yet. We were told to basically, hang out, observe, watch, let the staff get to know us for a month or 2 and don't expect too much. I am having a hard time with this also because I don't know where to be, where to put myself, I want to be active and feel funny not being. I really have no boss, no one watching what time I arrive or leave or what I do in between. So here I am feeling weird about sort of just floating around, listening, hanging out with the patients, going over to the clinic, hanging out there, talking to staff, asking a million questions but generally aimless and at the same time I am feeling overwhelmed that too much will be expected and I won't know what to do. Anyway, it took me about a day to talk myself out of my gloomy feelings. I keep thinking of more to know and ask. I question a lot about patients and was asked to consult on a teen age boy who I didn't understand being there. There is really no psychotherapy here. There is no time to explore people's lives and social situations. The stories are horrible, lot's of alcoholism, spousal abuse, many things that people don't talk about like homosexuality in one member of a heterosexual couple, some people don't seem but momentarily psychotic to deal with issues no one is talking about. I am not judging this, I don't think it is that different at home, just handled differently. Anyway, Dr. K. seems thrilled with my big mouth and has encouraged me to see as many patients as I choose to help the team better understand a patient. The problem of course is the language. I have to work thru one of the staff who speak English and they of course are giving me their interpretation of what the patient is saying and of course don't translate everything. I love the patients though, I just smile and hold hands or put an arm around and it's good.
A big problem for me though is language. Part of it is cultural I am sure. I am not told a lot. Even if I have made it plain that I would like to know something, I won't be told; or I'll be told a piece of something. I sort of accidentally have to learn things like if a meeting is happening or the consultant isn't coming.
The thing that is most disturbing to me and this may also be cultural is that there is absolutely no privacy at almost any time. 4 MO's interview patients at the same time, in the same room, before one patient leaves the next one is coming in and the MO's are talking about the patients. Patients sit and wait until spoken to even if the staff member is having a conversation about the weather! I think people are just very respectful of authority here and just accept the way it is. Did I mention this is the same room ECT is done in! During ECT which people line up for and carry their own sheets for, staff walk in and out having all sorts of conversations. Hopefully we shall be moving into a brand new just being built building in 3 months. I went to see the space and see that all the men and all the women are still all in one room. There is indoor plumbing. What is not there right now which is the other thing that I feel disturbed about for the patients is a room for meetings and therapies, OT, RT etc. The patients do nothing all day. They hang out all day. The amazing thing is that patients sort of take care of each other, they are kind to each other, especially the women. They really have their own Therapeutic Community, a milieu created by them that is soothing to each other.
The equipment is very, very old, the ECT table has rips in it. The Blood Pressure monitor and cuff are what we got rid of in the 60's. We are so outrageous in the west and so fortunate. This is definitely third world in terms of availability of goods. The social worker told me his family does not eat pineapples because they are too expensive. I eat one every other day, they are 80 cents! Despite this, the Sri Lankan, including patients and staff, are always trying to share food. People share lunch and breakfast with each other, it is a communal kind of thing, so wonderful, no one would not ask me to join them to eat if they have food.
So to go back to what Dr. K wants. He wants all staff to have knowledge, skills and the right attitude toward patients. He wants it to be patient centered. He wants people to have better counseling skills. It is a bureaucracy , a hierarchy and very paternalistic and he wants a multidisciplinary team of professionals pulling together for the patient because right now the patient is at the bottom of the hierarchy. He wants trainings and lectures and rehabilitation and a Day Center and non professional local community teams trained to work with the Mental Health population in the communities all over the district. This is some of what he wants. I shall know more about nursing and attendant staff after I meet with them. Did I explain the system here. NOBODY, NOBODY chooses were they want to work. MO, RN, Aide, get assigned when applying or graduating to were the need is. The only exception is if you have had special training in a field you were interested in after graduation. On top of that, once assigned a unit, you stay there and can't request a change for 2 years. So, I can try to teach an attendant not to shove or yell at a patient. Will I be effective, who knows.

The day I was a rock star..

2010-01-09T02:07:00.000-08:00

I know, I shall write about work tomorrow definitely. Today though, I woke up, felt lazy so stayed in bed until 7:45 decided not to go to the opening of the new hospital wing which was at 8:30. I figured I'd go when the new Psychiatric wing opens in a few months. I got up and found my garbage turned over in my kitchen, no evidence of an animal still in the house but felt odd about the secret intruder. As I pondered this, the door bell rang and Caru, my landlord asked if I was going to the hospital that day. Apparently a bunch of monks or priests as they call them were going to be there and Charlotte was going. I said I would go then and rushed to get my clothes washed (it was finally sunny out). This by the way took a lot of effort because I had to figure out where to do it, how to change the water, if I needed to boil some water, how to rinse the clothes and so forth. Anyway, Charlotte had previously told me that when you are going to the temple or an event with priests to wear white, which I did although as it turned out, most people weren't but Charlotte was happy. So we walked to the hospital and Charlotte it turns out is the yenta of the neighborhood. She had been a nurse at the hospital for about 30 years and knows everyone. The other thing is that I did not realize that I was her prize. She took me by the wrist, for most of the day and dragged me from one person to another introducing me as the psychiatric nurse from America who lives at her house. I of course being the only westerner and only caucasian present among what seemed like thousands of staff and visitors was looked at and smiled at constantly. Interestingly, I feel very happy with this and not self conscious. I of course was thrilled to see some of the Ward 12 staff there, they were surprised and seemed overjoyed with my presence. I had accidentally done the right thing, an important thing, by going. I had previously met, then saw here and shook hands with the Director of the hospital who invited me to lunch, my boss the Consulting Psychiatrist, the Provincial Health Minister, the doctor running the show that day who also invited me to lunch and I was introduced to the Health Minister of Sri Lanka who was there to officiate. Through all of this as I was being schlepped around by Charlotte, (she is the champ at getting through crowds by the way, she just pushes through, all 4'10" of her) I was told that there would be 500 monks attending. I thought they got their numbers wrong because at any given time there were around 20 monks sitting on a podium. It is now about 2 hours after we arrived and I have no idea what is happening because no one tells me. All of a sudden Charlotte and all her friends, they are a group of 80 year olds who worked at the hospital together, get up, pull me with them and stand by a new gate. After trying to figure out what is happening I look down the street and there are some musicians and a long row of orange slowly moving in a line...it was true, 526 monks proceeded to march onto the grounds and into the first floor of the new hospital. Charlotte and Caru later told me they had never seen so many monks in one place at one time. Charlotte was now holding onto me but I wanted to follow the monks inside and thought I was missing lunch, I finally got her to start toward the door but there were dozens of people clamoring to get in the doors and they now had guards keeping them away, it looked like the evacuation of Saigon! I being lacking in something, thought this was about people wanting to be fed. I knew that if I could get to the door, I would be let in, Charlotte knew it too. She shoved her way all the way to the door with me in tow. When I was seen they signaled me to come forward and now with Charlotte in my clutches I was pushed thru the door like a star, Charlotte did not get in. I was told to sit and sat down with hundreds of people, the highest ranking people who were listening to the prayer of the monk. The clamoring was to be present for this. As I looked around there were long tables, one after the other set up with a feast for the monks. When the praying was over, Charlotte got in and again started schlepping me. I took pictures (on Facebook) and waited. The priests were served by anyone who could get a bowl to serve them as this is a great honor, I was going to do it and didn't but later I was given a book and told to bow and present it with 2 hands which I did and the monk and I smiled at each other. Then there was a ceremony where the Health Minister presented gifts to all the monks. After all of this, after the monks started to leave and I had been told to join the Director on the 2nd floor, Charlotte wanted to go eat with people on the ground floor. I kept saying no I was going to the 2nd floor and Caru kept asking why but didn't understand my explanation. Finally I went to the 2nd floor and Charlotte followed. No one was there, that I could see, so defeated, I started downstairs. At that moment the Director was coming up the stairs and on seeing me said "come up". Charlotte grabbed my wrist, was glowwwwwwing and off we went to lunch with the Health Minister of Sri Lanka. It's not even necessary to say that we had a feast. The other wonderful part of this was that just yesterday our Occupational Therapist had taught me how to properly eat with my hand, you use your fingers like a scoop and then your thumb to shovel the food into your mouth. It works like a charm and I felt like a Sri Lanka.
I can only imagine what Charlotte said to her friends when we saw them downstairs later. They had been given lunch packets for lunch. 3000 people were fed lunch today at the ceremony. Quite an accidental Saturday morning when I ended up feeling like a rock star (I know it is all politically incorrect but I loved it!).

Last Night

2010-01-07T18:00:00.000-08:00

I was in bed at 11pm last night, pretty quiet outside for a change. I was reading my book and falling asleep. Suddenly I heard a loud bang and some noise, I did feel frightened because it sounded like it was in the apartment. I made myself get up and as I started to leave my bedroom, something rushed by! It was a little grey and yellow cat! It and I were so frightened we both jumped. I ran to the front door and opened it and ran for a broom in the kitchen, it ran into the office, I ran into the office and it wasn't there. I searched the entire house. I guess it found it's way out the front door but I have no idea how that cat got in here. I closed the doors in case it was hiding somewhere but when I went to close my bedroom door there was movement. It wasn't the cat it was the lizard that is living here with me. I guess I moved in on her so we live together although I don't think she appreciates having a roommate. I left my bedroom door open.

More on Badulla

2010-01-06T08:30:00.000-08:00

This will be briefer tonight because I am tired and have a bit of a cold..I wish I could share the sounds of Badulla with you, morning and night there is this mixture of Buddhist monks chanting and Imans calling people to prayer...I keep thinking people are annoyed with me and have to check myself not to react at all because I know it is really their translation of our language. Their language is very practical as I have said, so translated it is: where are you going, what do you want, where did you buy this. The shopkeepers will eye me and look at me and talk about me to whoever else is in the shop, then I shall pick up a sponge and ask the price and they will smile and everyone will get friendly and it's OK. Today I got the "where did you buy that top" from one of the nurses, the one that seems pretty outspoken. I said in Colombo and would be happy to get her one the next time I am there, her reply, "oh no, I don't like it". Today I went around the town on my own, without Nilantha who is the Social Worker who has been kind enough to get me to appointments in various places. So today I was on my own to go to the various bureaus that basically control my fate meaning my work visa. I needed to bring gifts from VSO to 3 different doctors at 3 different locations,they were very lovely to me and couldn't believe I was walking, people take trishaws here mostly. Anyway I was very proud that I found my way all around Badulla and located some stores with stuff I have been looking for. Later I went back and also took pictures of some of the people I talk to in the course of the day. Sri Lankans love to have their pictures taken.
I did finally have my computer hooked up, but of course not so quickly because they came when they said, looked at my computer and popped in this teeny disk that I knew was not for my computer but helped them do it anyway! Of course then it was stuck and wouldn't come out; without telling you the entire 3 hour saga let me say, seven people standing in my office and one little boy who was the only one who had ever seen an Apple computer before, it got connected. For those who have the urge to locate me on a map, there is a map of Badulla in the Lonely Planet and at the top of the map it says Badulla, I live where the A is! Favorite meal so far, String Hoppers, Daal and Sambol and Hoppers which are like their equivalent of a pancake. I actually don't get to eat Sri Lankan food daily but sometimes I go in for lunch at a hotel which is a cafe and ask for the lunch packet which is rice and some kind of curry. I believe I explained to you that I am now eating with my left hand which I have to announce is because I am left handed, well, the other morning the nurses insisted on sharing breakfast with me as they all do with each other. I made my usual announcement and we ate and after we were talking about it and I said well it is OK isn't it and there was a hesitation and a nurse said well, no...giggles...another nurse said, you use your left hand for the toilet...giggles..I had to really think about it and they were rolling on the floor. Needless to say, I now use my right hand to eat. Another thing not done here is nose blowing. I don't know if it is because they don't have paper products like tissues. My friend Roger keeps asking about the toilets so here goes: In my apartment there is a regular western style toilet, very noisy but usual. Many places have western toilets but many have the porcelain foot stands with the hole in the floor which I first encountered in Paris in 1966, that is what the staff have at the hospital. The bazaar thing to me is that no matter what kind of toilet they have, there is no paper available and frequently no soap to wash your hands. What there is is either a bucket with a pitcher to wash yourself off or a hose to wash yourself off and I'm not talking about your hands. This I think is the way it is and the lack of paper. When you are finished eating in a cafe they either provide a sink to rinse your hand or they rinse it in a bowl at the table and give you a little piece of cut up paper to dry your hands. At work when they bring in tea and cake, it is covered with used newspaper and plates and silverware are not provided. Actually, when you buy food in a cafe, it arrives on a plate covered with some thin paper so that when you are finished eating, the leftovers are rolled into the paper and it is disposed of, no wasted water. The doctors write their medical notes on each patient in little composition books, some with Tweetie on the cover. This is third world. The next time you waste paper, think of Sri Lanka, everything is precious and used over and over.
A major product all over being sold is this little packet with beetle nuts and chewing tobacco rolled in a tobacco leaf. It must be addictive. Which reminds me that it is dirty in terms of not being paved everywhere in Badulla but there is little trash. Smoking is not allowed anywhere public and no one eats on the street! If someone has an ice cream they stay in the shop, if you buy a snack from a vendor, it's in a bag eaten at home. The hospital is supposedly only 20 years old. It looks 100 years old. In the middle of each ward area are gardens that are being tended but on the edges of the gardens are troughs, in these troughs the patients or staff wash their clothes and bath. There is no privacy, women wear a shmatah type thing and bath as best they can. All psych patients do their own laundry and it is draped over the bushes and gates. There don't seem to be doors, only curtains. The ward #12 where I work has 20 beds for women and 20 beds for men, rows and rows of beds, no privacy. So I need to write about my new work, my colleagues, my feelings, but not tonight I just spilled water all over my extra bed and have to figure out what to do....

Every day an adventure

2010-01-03T03:22:00.000-08:00

So much happens every day that even though I am sitting in this sleezy, dirty internet place filled with dirty keyboards and dirty boys looking at God knows what on their screens, I must post something. I can't keep it in my head or in my notes anymore. The last few days in Colombo were fine with shopping and packing and saying goodbye to my 5 compatriots and the staff. The staff of VSO are like very concerned mamas. They want to make sure we are ready, know they are there for us and sent me off in a van with Upali the most wonderful person and our driver Mohanda. By the way, it turns out Mohanda can be hired at 6000sr or $60 a day to drive anywhere around the country. He is very knowledgeable and speaks English so that part of our trip is taken care of for anyone who is coming! Anyway, on the day of departure I awoke feeling teary and sad and missing my mother who died 25 years ago, shock of shocks. I would love to hear her talking about this adventure and I know she would visit. So with mixed feelings on this very special day after finally getting out of Colombo, we are going along and there is an elephant walking down the road. We stopped for a meal at a real beside the road Sri Lankan food place. Have I shared that in Sri Lanka people eat with their right hands. They do not use silverwear. Well I now eat with my hand but my left hand. In order to do this without people being disgusted with me, I have to announce that I am left handed and then it is ok. Badulla is in what they call hill country, well these are not hills as I know hills, these are mountains! Actually I think Sri Lanka looks something like Hawaii. The whole ride (7 hours) was beautiful with tropical fruit trees and palm trees and lushness everywhere. The mountains are covered in tea plantations and I saw many tea pickers on the way. I have lots of pictures which I shall upload when I have my own computer set up. Tea pickers are usually what are called hill Tamil people, they were brought here from India to pick the tea. They are exceedingly poor and treated poorly. They work 7 days a week and make about $4 per day. As we neared Badulla I noticed that more men were wearing Sarongs and women more Saris or skirts and tops of various kinds. I shall talk more about the dress at another time because the clothing and products available in Sri Lanka are very poor quality..things we wouldn't put in a garage sale are expensive here like plastic jars..remind me another time..Anyway Badulla, an interesting, busy place, people selling fruit, veggies, clothing, plastic products, brooms anything along the road or in a storefront stall. After a day I discovered some of them where actual shops but there are no lights on so it's hard to tell. Need I say that within a day I had walked all of Badulla town, found the Buddhist temple and located stores I liked although I still can't find out where to buy things like matches. I did find an envelope today. The Sri Lankan money is so old and dirty that it is surprising that it stays together and it does and it looks ironed! I digress however. So we enter Badulla and go to Cargills Food City so I can get some essential items (essential to me are coffee and red wine neither of which are available just then). Then a bread store then a quick tour of the town, a ride by my workplace the huge hospital in town with over 1000 beds and finally my new home. more next time........

just kidding..lol as they say. So we drive up, open the gates and there are these two elderly people who jump up and greet me with kisses and big welcomes. This is the landlady and her husband, Charlotte and Caru who live downstairs from me. We must have tea and biscuits and I get introduced to Prema, Charlotte's sister and later others who come. I am told that for this first night they will provide dinner because I won't have time to cook probably. We then go upstairs to the flat. Initially I had little reaction then slowly as I took in how dirty it was and how much it needed a painting I felt my heart sink a bit. Upali stayed and negotiated or talked for me with them. The hot water heater was in and Charlotte very proudly mimed how to work it. She is very animated and cheerful. The first thing she told me very proudly was that she was a nurse for 30 years and is now retired. She was pleased that I too was a nurse. The internet was not in but would be put in within a few days which is why I searched out this place I am sitting in. Upali got them to agree to a paint job. Later they approached me and asked if I really wanted it painted as I had said earlier, they speak some english so it is that and facial expressions and hand gestures which are used to communicate. I defininitely wanted it painted but I don't think it will be the entire apt. Anyway I must admit, that night and the next morning I was in a bit of a funk. Everything I tried to do like make hot water for coffee or plug something in didn't work. I now have the right adaptors and plugs and all sorts of things. You see, some plugs are 2 pronged, some 3 square, some 3 round more common so you need adaptors for all these different configurations along with anything I might need an american 2 pronged square thing changed into a 2 or 3 round..see? Anyway, I then blew a circuit and Caru had to come up. I did finally manage to make coffee in the morning and could feel myself welling up, feeling old and overwhelmed and then I sat, drank coffee, looked around in the light of day and just started cleaning and now I am home, plastic bottles of all sorts of colors and all. I am quite happy to have my hot water heater, very few people here have hot water for their showers and they don't want it. I offered a hot shower to my Charlotte and she refused! Anyway, it is lovely and it is luke warm and not powerful and I am grateful. Now you must be wondering about drinking water. The water is not drinkable here. I started with a big jug from the supermarket and then had to prepare my new water filter, which was a several step process, to make fresh water. To make fresh water you boil water, wait til it is cool then pour it into this huge filter thing and wait til it drips thru. I now have fresh water! Of course this was not without discovering that sometimes when I want to turn on the sink water the spout comes out of the wall and water just pours out of a hole in the wall and I have to get the spout back right thru the downpour of water in the wall. I have to say more about the Sri Lankan people, Charlotte and Caru are a perfect example. They came up to discuss the painting and as they walked thru looked and read everything lying about. They then saw my bottle of wine and asked about it. I offered them a glass and they accepted, or he did if it was sweet. It wasn't ok and he didn't like it but they are very open and direct. Where are you going they ask as I leave. The weather here is in the 60s and just lovely. This afternoon it is softly raining but everyone always carries umbrellas for the sun and the rain, so no problem there. Have I mentioned the noises? Well this is probably the noisiest place I have ever encountered. In the early morning from 3 or 4 there are the calls to pray, Moslem and Buddhist, there are dogs barking there are loud things on the tin roof there are people talking and bathing and something about the way it all fits together it is very loud. Also if I use the sink in the bathroom which I must at times, the water flows out the back of it by a pipe onto a groove in the floor in the bathroom and the toilet flush is unbelievable. So this morning, probably around 6 am I hear what sounds like loud thunder only hitting the roof only it sounded like it was in my apartment and I kept thinking that the neighbor was taking a bath and I can here his pipes but it all sounded like it was in my bedroom, so I got up and went toward the bathroom where I saw water pouring from somewhere overhead into the bathroom! Of course when I tried to call the Landlord the number didn't work.....
So I had my first day of work sort of. I was picked up Friday Jan. 1 and brought to the hospital, introduced to everyone including the patients some of whom knelt and kissed my feet to my shock and I tried pulling them up, quite a scene, was part of a party to celebrate the New Year and my arrival, met the head of the hospital. It was a short day so I'll talk more about it after I really start tomorrow. The staff are trained very differently then we are including the doctors..another think for the future along with my search for a bookcase which are hard to find...please feel free to let me know in comments, email or facebook if you want to ask anything, ta ta for now. kisses
ps of course I am nervous about really starting tomorrow....

Back from vacation

2009-12-27T05:26:00.000-08:00

Well, I've been to Galle and in someways, I'm glad to be back. 2 more days, 6 hours more of language class but on Wednesday I shall finally be off to Badulla. Galle is an old dutch fort city, surrounded by a wall which kept the Tsunami from devastating everything and killing a lot of people. It is a charming little town with quaint streets, some so pristine with many colored Borgenvilla and some with garbage being eaten by the local cows and dogs. The first day, Lieve, a volunteer from Holland and I walked the entire fort area hitting every shop we passed. I knew Lieve was the right person to spend the day with in this way as she had already accompanied me on several buying trips for my apartment and I know we shop similarly. Eight of us went to Galle which was probably quite ambitious, eight opinions, eight tastes in food, but we managed mostly and are back safe and sound. Near Galle is the area where men on poles fish. The pole is inherited from father to son and is quite prized. Unfortunately as I was in a tuk tuk to go see them, itstarted to pour with rain and we had to turn back. I did get to Unawatuna beach for a day which was lovely. We sat with the native people rather then the expats and visitors so women had to be covered. Sri Lankan women do not wear bathing suits, they were some kind of cover up or their saris or shalwars and wade in the water. Fortunately I had something to wear over my suit so no trauma for anyone there. What was unfortunate however was that as we walked from one end of the beach to another I slipped as a huge wave rolled in and my purse and bag with all my stuff got immersed in the water! The major issue is that my new camera was totally soaked. So without going into details, my camera is now very temperamental. Sometimes it turns on, sometimes not. sometimes it will zoom, many times not, sometimes the lens cover opens mostly it opens just partially. I guess I am going to have to have it fixed, somewhere when I figure out how to get that accomplished.
We did eat while we were in Galle but it would frequently take upwards of an hour to get food. It would start with first having to get menus, then a waitperson, then waiting for food which could take a very long time, we never figured out why. This morning at our little hotel I ordered a fruit plate for breakfast others ordered more complicated and time consuming dishes, they had to wait but at the end of an hour they had eaten and I was still waiting for the fruit! No reason and only smiles from everyone. I think I have mentioned the Sri Lankans are so wonderfully nice. Everybody says hello, smiles, talks, it's great. It's weird because almost everything has to be bargained for which I really don't like but after it's done we are all very friendly. Galle became my little village. By the time I left, many shopkeepers knew me and I pretty much was greeted by all these 20 somethings in the local cafe I hung out in. Oh speaking of fruit, have I said that the fruit here is the best I have ever tasted? Daily, pinapples, papaya, mangos and bananas, fantastic! Funnily, the last few days we have eaten odd things, not the usual diet we had gotten used to which is various kinds of curries and rice for lunch and dinner. (curry is vegetable, chicken, fish in a very hot sauce made with chillies, curry powder or leaves etc.) Then there is daal and other little things and rice. Well, I miss my SL food. Eating it is the first time I can remember all systems working properly (!) and feeling very good. Tomorrow, back on a routine! On the drive back to Colombo our driver stopped at a monument for the thousands of people who were on a train when the Tsunami hit and all died. It was very moving. All seems so calm and beautiful there now, hard to believe. It has been very hot and humid here. Oh, have I mentioned my new nickname:
The Jewish Buddhist Dwarf!!!

Another Monday

2009-12-21T04:06:00.000-08:00

By the label of this can you tell I am eager to go to my posting in Badulla? Today I was shown pictures of my apartment and I was beside myself with excitement. It is painted a pale yellow and has 2 bedrooms, one with a double bed and one with a single so there is lot's of room. There is only a two burner stove so I unfortunately (ahem) will not be able to do a lot of cooking. I did buy a deep frying pan that I can cook many things in so that should be ok. Anyway, the living room has these lovely large glass windows and look out at trees and flowers and the mountains, very beautiful. I move on Dec. 30 and Dec 31 is the first holiday! It is a Poya day which is the full moon holiday every month. My first day of work is Jan. 1 but since that is sort of a holiday, the Social worker from the hospital is going to pick me up to go meet the staff and join them for some kind of celebration but no work! My first real day of work shall be January 4 which is, I think, when Ancy returns from her vacation and I finally get to meet her.
I had an eye problem the other day and being afraid in a country I don't know well to ignore it, I went to the doctor. It is a very interesting system. First the secretary at VSO called the doctor to make the app't. He suggested seeing the eye specialist and I thought made an appointment for 2:30pm. I was told to go a bit early to meet our doc. and talk about my medication needs. So I got there and they called the doctor and he is lovely and we chatted about this and that and then he said, do you want to see the eye doctor and I said I thought I had an appointment for 2:30 and he said no, VSO was supposed to send the money over so I couldn't make the appointment. So I paid the money and got an appointment but by now I am about #7 and the doctor it turns out hadn't arrived yet because something happened to his car. So I suggest I go back to my guest house and get my medication for the GP to see what I am on and if he is able to order it (I shall talk about all this stuff another time!). So he said to go get my meds and come back at 3pm when it is time for the eye doctor so I go home and come back, getting lot's of walking in and the eye doctor is not in yet; so I see the GP again and then because he is sitting with me which he sees as his job, I suggest I go around the corner to my Barista place and have coffee. He takes down my cell phone and will call me when he get's word that the doctor has arrived. Meanwhile the GP has not decided if he will charge VSO for my visit because I have yet to see the eye doctor! So, I go and order coffee, drink a mouthful and of course my cell phone goes off, the doctor has arrived. I run back to the hospital and have to now first pay for the GP and hospital costs. Then I am taken to some other section of the hospital where I am seen pretty quickly by the doctor. He says I have Uveitis and is wondering about various chronic illnesses which I fortunately don't have. So he puts me on steroids for the eye and antibiotics for the eye and tells me I need to see him again on Wednesday morning. I say good because then I am going to Galle and the beach and he says no going in the water for 2 weeks and I had a temper tantrum...just kidding. Anyway, he gave me 2 prescriptions and I go out to make an appointment for the next visit which is at some other hospital, far away from this one. In order to make the appointment, I have to pay! Then I go to the hospital pharmacy to get the eye drops and they don't carry them. I am told to go the a pharmacy somewhere else in the city. I then leave the clinic area and get totally lost and come out someplace I was totally unfamiliar with. I walked for a long time, found a trishaw (tuk,tuk) bargained for the price which is a necessity here but difficult since I had no idea where the pharmacy was and go off...I shall stop boring you with all this but I was so proud that In a matter of about 3 or so hours I actually was back at the guest house with everything I needed! The cost of all this including 2 different doctors, hospital charges, medications, tuk tuk ride to and fro and my next doctor's visit, a grand total of under $45.
Have I talked about the trishaws, buses, taxis? Have I talked about the language lessons? Have I talked about the upcoming elections? or the weather or the shopping or how I have to prepare the drinking water or...well I shall save it all for future blogs. I don't want you to be bored or for me to run out of things to say

more..

2009-12-16T05:41:00.000-08:00

After my last blog I decided to write down what I want to make sure to talk about because I invariably forget a lot and new stuff happens like today. We were driven to our afternoon class to the International Peace Council for Sri Lanka where we had a talk about their work and the political history of Sri Lanka. I guess I naively thought that since it was a Buddhist country it would be more peaceable then other places. Sri Lanka is actually a pretty warring nation. I temporarily forgot Northern Ireland, the Crusades, Bosnia, you know what I mean, ethnicity seems so strong, more then religion and yet sometimes justified by religion. Anyway that is not what I wanted to talk about but I do need to say that I just a few days ago, found out the most horrible news which is that in Uganda it is now the law that you will be put to death for being homosexual! The law stating that if you purposely spread AIDS you will be put to death was defeated!
Let me talk about some very happy things. For Christmas 8 of us volunteers are going down to Galle and to the beach. We are staying in a place called the Frangipani Hotel. It sounds dreamy and it is in the old Dutch section of Galle. We are leaving next Tuesday until the 27th. We decided we shall have Secret Santa since we shall be there on Christmas which is big here at least in terms of decorations. The Lankans celebrate all holidays I've been told! This fact is why they have about 25 holidays off a year. I get 15 of those thru VSO plus however many my employer gives off plus 20 work days off for vacation a year! So I am off a minimum of 35 days a year! Start putting bids in for travel folks, you to me, me to you, India, Maldives whatever, that's a lot of time to play!
Have I mentioned the dogs who travel in packs here? It is a little scary but I we stay clear and feel very reassured that we got our 3 rabies shots despite the $1000 it cost for them (no I didn't have to pay).
I am making the equivalent of $10 a day which so far is fine and we get an allowance to buy things for the flat we get. Of course having little else to see in Colombo I am on a search for the right sheets, towels, dishes, pots, pans and lovely things to decorate my home. I am determined to pretty much hit every important shop so no stone is left unturned to get the best value, price and beauty. I already bought some lovely placemats which I fell in love with which then led to a sale of white dishes to go with them..not so important you say well for me it made sense but then I worried about what color the flat was and what if I buy the wrong color so I researched (questioned anyone who might know) and found out my walls are pale yellow so now I have a better sense...I know you are laughing about this. What is funny is that one of my language teachers took me round last night to look at things in a couple of shops and a craft show. We had very little time because she arrived SL time as they say (very late I say) and so I looked quickly everywhere thinking we were in a rush and I would come back. She meanwhile shopped, bought stuff in every store and chastised me for not studying each product enough, she does not know who she is dealing with! Anyway I think this woman is great, her ancestry is Buddhist, her parents became Christian and she has become a Jehovah's Witness. I am looking for Buddhists and so far I have been out with a JW and Friday I am going out with a Catholic Priest! Oy...

How to tell you everything...

2009-12-13T05:25:00.000-08:00

How to even begin this one. I feel I have been here for so long in some ways. I still am not sleeping much but am getting used to it. I want to talk about everything, our training, the language, the people what I have done here, how it feels. I shall try...
I should begin by saying AAIBOOWAN (may you have long life in Sinhala) or VARERKKERM (Tamil). So yes 2 languages, lots of problems in so many ways. Let me start by saying I have not met an unpleasant Sri Lankan so far. People have been so nice to us, cab drivers, tuk-tuk drivers, people on the street, soldiers, everyone. However, there continues to be a lot of strife here. Lot's of fighting between the Sinhala people (Sinhalese is anglicized) and the North and East Tamils. It is national issues, it's religious issues, S. people tend to be Buddhist, T. people tend to be Hindu, then there are Muslims and Christians. There have been wars going on here in different parts of the country for 20 plus years and it really isn't over. Each part of the country seems to have problems with other parts, men with women, lots of alcoholism, lot's of domestic violence which is of course denied since it is mostly Buddhist, lot's of suicide, Post Traumatic Stress due to torture of citizens and disappearances of people just like that, it is very complicated. There is no one person or group to blame this on, all are guilty and innocent, all are torturers and tortured. After the Tsunami things were better between all for about 2 weeks, then the south felt the east.... or the west thought the north... The issues are deep and imbedded.
So were do I fit in? Take all the mental health issues related to what I just wrote about, add to that Schizophrenia, Bipolar disorder, Dementia etc. and the lack of knowledge or acceptance of the idea of Mental problems..
Then there are the added cultural issues: on the books there are good laws against rape or child sexual abuse or trafficking but if you are raised to believe that it is shameful to talk about such things then who is going to go to the police and if you do go and they tell you to go home and work it out with the abuser, what do you do? So for me I see how little I really know, how sheltered I have been coming from the world I do, how privileged we are in the west..I don't know if there is anything much I can do other then listening and supporting and being as patient as is needed.
Last night we were invited for a going away drink for one of the VSO volunteers at the fanciest hotel, the Galle Face Hotel. It is literally built on the Indian Ocean front and is just lovely. It was the first chance we all had to meet some of the other volunteers who have been here a while. The volunteers and the staff are so wonderful, a fantastic, dedicated underpaid group of people all around and full of joy and fun. I feel so privileged to be part of all this. It is weird for me actually that the last few nights I have been dreaming of my parents and my partner, people no longer available to me in life, the setting is usually NYC in some weird way. I take it as positive but have no idea what it means.
I haven't mentioned that I come about every other day to a local coffee bar to use there wifi. I feel they are my local friends, they greet me warmly when I enter and even though I usually only buy water which is very cheap they never seem to expect more or resent my sitting here for hours. The name is Barrista. Across the street is a much fancier coffee house, more like Starbucks which is called The Coffee Bean and I think is American in origin but I like my little place and my new friends.
I haven't mentioned my best news. I have talked to the other VSOer in Badulla where I shall be going and I shall have a lovely 2 bedroom apartment there (hint, hint). I can get a fast internet connection and there is an electric plug to put in a hot water heater in the bathroom if I choose!!!! (electric is pretty expensive here but what the..). The staff is pretty excited that I am coming soon and think it is hysterical that we shall be Nancy and Ancy (the other volunteer). Sorry this is so long but a lot happens here...

In Country Training and life

2009-12-10T04:28:00.000-08:00

Well, I have wanted to write for what seems like many days but to my total surprise I have been too tired to walk to the internet cafe (a ten minute walk) on most days. I have always arrived places and went sight seeing almost immediately, now I am not yet sleeping and dragging myself thru our training each day. It is somewhat hot and humid but not overly so, I keep myself up until at least 9 or 10 but still..oh well it will work itself out. I am using this of course as an excuse as to why I cannot seem to remember anything we are learning in our daily 3 hour Sinhala language class. I am having a lot of fun with our teachers though who have wonderful senses of humor and love to play. Learning the culture of the Lankans is great, their language is practical and without extra words, a lot is said with facial expression and they are direct yet secretive. The best thing about them is how much they smile and laugh and seem to take joy in the moment despite all the horror that has happened here like wars, tsunamis, poverty etc. I am in training with 5 other people, one dutch, one American of Bangladeshi origins, one Ugandan and 3 Brits. half of us are in mental health placements and half in other things.
I had to sign something yesterday that referred to me as an expat! How exciting! I had to go to buy a new cell phone and went with the other american woman. In the store the the clerk asked her about herself because she is Bangladeshi and then asked about her mother? She was referring to me! So now I must already look Asian. I am sleeping for the first time with mosquito netting although there don't seem to be many mosquitos, and for someone like me who needs to get out of bed at night (!) frequently, it is quite inconvenient!
I just spoke on the phone with Ancy who is the Psychiatric Social Worker at the placement with me in Badulla, I am overjoyed and excited to meet her and get there. She will be on vacation when I arrive on Dec. 30 unfortunately and apparently from Dec. 31 until around Jan 4 I shall be pretty alone but it will give me time to explore the town and get my apartment, which has 2 bedrooms by the way (ahhm friends and family) set up. Okay it is true there is no hot water and the cold water is cold. It is also rainy season and it is fairly hot and humid.
My daily lessons continue especially to be tolerant and not make judgements and NOT MAKE ASSUMPTIONS about anything!

Finally!

2009-12-07T02:09:00.000-08:00

Hi all, Well after about 11 months in the planning, the 4 lists, the anxiety, the excitement, the parties and the leavings and the tears, the organization, the loss, the love, after everything, I have finally made it to Sri Lanka. I must admit that as I sat in the airport for hours in Doha, Qatar, I had some fair amount of nervousness and wondered what I was doing.
Everything really went as planned, we were met at the airport (we you say, well it turns out there were 2 other volunteers on the plane, I did meet one of them on the 3rd flight). We are staying until Dec. 29. at a lovely little guest house run by a woman who is Sri Lankan but has lived all over the world. I for some reason got the best room I think. I have a fan in the ceiling, a little balcony outside so I get a little breeze and a trickle of what probably is hot water. I say it that way not really because I was being impatient but because when we arrived we had 2 and a 1/2 hours until lunch and I laid down for a little nap and woke up thinking I had over an hour and it turned out it was lunch time so I had to jump quickly into the shower and pull stuff out of my neatly packed bags and make a mess because I was keeping everyone waiting..
There are 8 people who will train over the the next 3 weeks. There are 26 in country all together. We shall have 3 hours of training 6 days per week in language! We start tomorrow. On Dec. 30 I travel to Badulla and find out about my accommodations. There is another volunteer in Badulla, a psych social worker which is good, less isolating. Is it significant that that is the anniversary of my mother's death? If it is it is a sign of her joining with me in this venture I think.
In the meantime, I now have to go back to my room and face the mess I left it in when I tore through trying to find clothes after my luke warm shower when I overslept!!

My last day..

2009-12-05T04:20:00.000-08:00

Well, I woke up pretty early, read about Colombo, SL my first stop for three weeks before going to my placement in Badulla, SL. Then I looked up whether pens, other then ball point pens leak in flight as my cousin Helene insists they do and, guess what, they can! Then I wrote my last list which is all phone calls I have yet to make and then I thought, let me figure out a way to get a map of Sri Lanka onto this blog which as you can see I did not succeed in doing but I did figure out how people can post a comment so it should now not be a problem..just click on where it says 0 comments or 1 or whatever and put in your name and write a comment and post! So it is now 7:04AM and I have accomplished something and I have read a web site from a flight attendant that again reminded me AGAIN to HAVE PATIENCE and HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR..
This reminds me that I waited patiently and with good humor for my favorite meal and last night, the meaning to being a New Englander came to fruition, LOBSTER!!!!

LIFE....

2009-12-02T16:14:00.000-08:00

Within about half and hour of my last posting, I got a call from the angel who had agreed to care for my wonderful little puppy, Ms. Elbe. Elbe had some health issues but seemed to be doing OK. Well she was no longer doing OK and on Sunday I went down to NYC, picked up my baby and carried her in my arms into the vet and held her while she was "put to sleep". It was awful and I am so sad as I was for the few days preceding this. The wonderful joys of the last few weeks, friends, great food, parties, love all over the place and the sadness of having to leave those I love or their leaving me, this is what Life is, all of it.
Friday, December 4 was to be Elbe's 13th birthday! RIP

My second party!

2009-11-29T05:50:00.000-08:00

Friday evening my sister Roberta and other family members gathered together to have a: she's finally leaving party. Actually, I was fortunate enough to be able to see a lot of my nieces and nephews and their children at a gathering in honor of my leaving to volunteer in a developing country. This was a group of my generation cousins and their kids and grandkids and my sister Roberta's kids and grandkids. This was really a big deal considering we had to all be brought in in wheelbarrows after having stuffed ourselves on the best, old fashioned Thanksgiving dinner the day before. The food was fine but the best for me was my favorite dessert, peppermint stick ice cream and dark chocolate hot fudge sauce! This party sort of launched me into my final week before leaving for Sri Lanka next Saturday. I have had a real noticeable mood change. I am feeling sad..I said goodbye to my partner of 20 years who is in a nursing home unaware of who I am, I said goodbye to my stepchildren and grandchildren, I have a dear friend who was hospitalized this week and I am not with him, I am spending time with my cousins and sisters who are close friends to me and who's counsel I shall miss. Wow, this is real and sad and wonderful and the measure of my abilities is still coming up...this week I prove my worthiness...I no longer can put it off..this week, packing..leave packed or die!

Moving on with the list including the VISA

2009-11-21T04:56:00.000-08:00

So I left NYC the day after my party and came to the suburbs of Boston to visit family. It happened not out of nobility or a need to see everyone for three weeks before I leave but frankly because I had to vacate my apartment by Nov. 15 to my subtenant! Having said that, it is the perfect segway between my NYlife and Sri Lanka. My family of course, are being loving and wonderful to me and so helpful in finishing up my list (actually I'm on list 3!). Major item on the list was of course obtaining my visa so I can enter Sri Lanka. This was the place where one is supposed to trust that everyone outside of oneself does their jobs and I end up with a visa before Dec. 5. This is part of my daily meditation lesson, to focus, bring myself back to the present , not go off to some nightmare place where the plane is leaving and I have no passport with a visa in it..So, this is my daily struggle and in the meantime I called the Sri Lankan embassy, I called the VSO rep (who is wonderful the the way, Gesa), I was a tiny bit pro-active..not to torture you all with all the details, I now have my visa and passport in hand and am ready to leave for SL on Dec. 5 at 5:30pm!

Food..a post of it's own.. plus

2009-11-15T04:31:00.000-08:00

Pretty much my oldest friend, Ruthie, Ruth I guess is more grown up, who I went to Nursing school with is now a chef. She was head of the test kitchen at Gourmet magazine until it closed several weeks ago. Anyway, Ruth catered my party and I have to say there was probably enough to feed 200 people. I must share the menu: Dill Lox sandwiches on marble rye, Red Pepper, White Bean and Arugula (Vegan), Walnut Honey Cream Cheese on Raisin Bread, Pimento Olive Wraps, Turkey with Mustard Butter, Tuna and Pesto sandwiches, Curried Chicken Sandwiches. Of course there were also cheeses, fruit and pita chips, Baba Ganoosh, Hummus and Red Pepper Cheese Spread. Did I forget to mention desserts like Texas Brownies (my personal favorite), Lemon Shortbread Bars, Ginger Chewies and Chockful Blondies.

I need to tell you that my friend Lin who I went to visit on my most extraordinary trip ever, to Kenya, in 1988, went above and beyond in having this party at her home. Lin is dealing with a terrible tragedy in her life and yet opened her door through her love.

Vying to host were Lee and Lucy old friends who have been my support thru my own tragedies, never abandoning me and sharing this joy with totally open arms. As I write this blog I am thinking, is this me who is so cared about? How did this happen....

I'm leaving New York..

2009-11-14T20:37:00.000-08:00

From 3 to 9pm about 60 people arrived to celebrate the fact that I am leaving New York and going off on an adventure. It was quite wonderful. Around 3:10 when no one had arrived I asked my friends who were making me the party if they ever gave a party that no one came to. I actually did once give a party with a roommate that no one came to but not this party.. they came, so many wonderful people who want to share my excitement and joy at taking my life in a new direction, sharing it with many new people and having a chance to give whatever I can. I felt so fortunate. It's strange to me how many people think I'm brave or adventurous or other things. I just feel I am doing what I always wanted to finally. It was hard to kiss and hold my wonderful grandkids and say goodbye but sort of great to know of their genuine love for me. I gave them all a small pendant of the peace sign which I wear too so we would be connected. Tomorrow I'll be off to Boston for a 3 week transition before leaving on Dec. 5.

www.cuso-vso.org

2009-11-10T09:51:00.000-08:00

WHEN I'M 64...NANCY IN SRI LANKA: First CONTRIBUTIONS

First CONTRIBUTIONS

2009-11-05T16:14:00.000-08:00

My first contributions have come in. People actually have sent money in support of me, this endeavor, CUSO-VSO..It feels wonderful. It feels like I cannot change it now, I must continue on my mission. These people believe in me and that I am actually going. This is serious and I feel an enormous commitment to them and to CUSO- VSO. This is how I felt when I volunteered to walk for 3 days to raise money for Breast Cancer, an enormous sense of devotion to the commitment.
I haven't figured out how to link yet so here is where you can SEND A CONTRIBUTION IN MY NAME:

CUSO-VSO
44, rue Eccles Street
Ottawa ON K1R 6S4
+1 613 829 7445 ext. 272
Toll-Free 1 888 434 2876
Fax: +1 613 829 7996
www.cuso-vso.org

Airline tickets

2009-11-03T17:18:00.001-08:00

Today I got an email asking if the airline tickets sound ok. I fly from Boston to NY to Doha to Colombo. It took me at least 10 minutes to find out where Doha was, it's in Qatar of course! So I fly via Qatar Airlines leaving on Saturday Dec. 5 and arriving in Sri Lanka on Dec. 7...Of course I don't have a visa yet but I am sure everything will work out. It usually does. This is really happening, this is really real.

I'm trying

2009-10-27T14:49:00.000-07:00

Each day I get more accomplished in my quest to be ready to leave NYC and the US by Dec. 4. Friends have come over and directed me in various ways which pushed me toward the next step. Yesterday I got an email from Gesa at CUSO-VSO talking about my tickets and Visa preparations, now I am excited and sort of believe it is happening. Each day I try to figure out something else about the blog as well. I want tabs that have titles where I explain who VSO is and where exactly I shall be living and what I am going to do and why and.....I haven't figured out how to do that yet but I'm trying.

double oy

2009-10-18T10:01:00.000-07:00

OK now I have set up 5 blogs!!!! Blogger kept saying I couldn't have the url title I wanted so I kept trying and apparently each time it set up a blog and now I have 5 and can't delete any of them..why am I doing this in the middle of trying to move for 2 years???

OY..GETTING STARTED

2009-10-18T09:33:00.001-07:00

Well I am attempting to set up my own blog, pretty exciting right? It took about a million tries to get an address, I think because I tried to get what I wanted over and over and it started rejecting addresses it had previously accepted! Sounds like me somehow..