Too Easy!!

     What a  royal welcome home!  My sister Roberta and my cousins Helene and Lyn were at Logan airport with a bright pink boa, a welcome home poster with all things i missed like bagels, western toilet, cheeses, pizza, breads and a washing machine on it; and to top it all off, a diamond tiara to wear on my head. I wore it all evening.  I really felt like a queen.  
      I have been back a little over a week and it feels like a month.  I slipped right in and it is disturbing as if Sri Lanka never happened.  I am missing my life there, my friends, the staff, the patients, the routineness of day to day life in a rural town where there were so many hellos as I walked thru the streets, my routine in general; yet I am totally comfortable here and easily slipped into American life.  I have been very busy with fixing cameras, computers, getting glasses, shopping for a car, spending money in general seems very, very easy!  Supermarket shopping was really overwhelming.  There are soooo many products and choices.  It is too easy to get everything here.
     The weekend was spent at my stepson Scott's 50th birthday party, the reason I came back when I did.  I loved seeing the kids, family, Mari..that was so sad, so sad. What felt great was seeing all the grandkids and being welcomed and wanted and playing and laughing and making fun of their aging parents!
     It feels too easy to slip back into running water right out of the tap, no boiling, no filtering.  It is too easy to step into a hot shower that is actually hot and runs as long as you like.  There is also always toilet paper when you use a toilet, I don't have to remember to carry packets of tissues everywhere and I never have to squat, it's too easy to throw my clothes in a tub and they magically get washed; and I don't have to get carsick driving on unpaved roads that go to where you want them to eventually like 7 hours later.  
     Of course I have neglected to mention my final adventure in Sri Lanka which happened on my last night there.  My wonderful priest friend invited me to spend my last evening with him (truth is I invited me).  He lives near the airport so VSO drove me from Badulla to his house and he graciously took me to the airport at 2:30 AM.  We had a lovely evening and then I laid down for a few hours.  It was very hot so I laid down on my tummy with little on.  When I arrived in London, I became vaguely aware of feeling itchy and by the time I got home, I was very itchy on my front torso only..next morning I diagnosed myself with bedbug bites!  Fortunately, I had put nothing but myself on the bed so I didn't transport any and I had a reminder of Sri Lanka for days to come!
     It took several days to unpack my 2 suitcases filled with stuff.  I had forgotten that I had filled my cousin Helene's closet and drawers with other stuff..what is all this stuff????  Probably half of it is a waste.  What is frightening is that I shipped two boxes of stuff that has yet to come..oy veh or ai ow...what will I do with that!!!  
     So the questions:  am I retired, when am I going back to NY, am I going to work, when am I going out West or South, what is my next trip, am I going to volunteer again, what am i doing with my life, how will I pay my bills????????????  Most important question, what should I do with my blog..I am open to suggestions....
     

THIS IS IT!

It's happening way to fast.  I am leaving here Sunday, probably never to return.  6 months ago it felt right, now it is too fast, too soon, I am too ambivalent.  I now know what true ambivalence is.  Each time I am with Lakshmi, Samantha or Roshani, the nurses I am close to, I tear up.  On the other hand, Baby is not ambivalent at all.  She was taken to Roshani's house 2 weeks ago and when I was invited for dinner on Wednesday eve. and saw her she wasn't exactly unfriendly but she clearly loved them more!  The 2 children abuse her but she doesn't run away.  She hung out with them, she snuggled..I still think she is here, seeing her in shadows as I go from room to room.
Today is my last work day and it is the culmination of the 6 month mental health course started in December for all staff.  Everyone is getting a certificate.  Certificates are big here, people love them even if it is just for attending a half day of something.  I had really nice ones printed on beautiful paper with the logos of the EU and VSO on them.  They were signed by Dr. P. and me.  Before the last 2 weeks I was sort of wrapping things up, writing reports, making sure today would be ready, separating myself from things.  Then I went on my last weekend vacation to the beach.  I had a very busy few days in Colombo at meetings but also saying goodbyes to the staff and Volunteers.  They had a Thank You cake at the office and Anne, another volunteer had a party at her house to which a lot of volunteers AND staff came to.  I had been advised not to expect staff, they never come to these things, so I was quite flattered and happy.  On Sunday, I came back to Badulla and I have had no time!  Each evening I have been invited out to dinner to the homes of the various nurses and last night, Dr. P and the doctors took me to a restaurant where we could actually bring wine and drink with our dinner!  Ancy and I were the only women drinkers. We got into talking about the culture here. We talked about calling whoever is in charge Sir and standing up when those people walk by.  I am so embarrassed when patients' families sometimes stand up when I walk by.  I started thinking about the US in the 50s and thinking about when I was coming of age in the 60s and life felt like it was changing and growing and modernizing..there was great hope and I remember thinking naively how once things go forward they don't go backward because there is too much information and how it would never be the 50s again with McCarthyism and narrow mindedness, how the country had moved beyond that; and now it is happening again, the ethics and moral of our country are regressing and I feel so sad and afraid to come home.  
 Anyway, the days are totally filled with finishing final notes for the Psychiatrist, the Nurse Master, VSO, whatever..in any case, as I said it is Friday morning and guess what?  I have not packed yet..but I am very organized as you can see from my final list.
Today I am somewhat anxious.  I am going to be dressed in a Sari by Lakshmi and we are having a ceremony.  We were supposed to end the program with  lunch  but all of the money we budgeted for it ended up going to decorating lanterns for Vesak for the competition at the hospital (we came in 3rd).  So we used the food money.  I was going to offer to get food anyway and then decided I needed to let everyone live by their decisions, we spent the money as they chose.  I have a feeling people will bring stuff anyway.  To be continued....


I am so overcome after this morning, I can barely pull it together. Lakshmi dressed me in a Sari.  The staff made a party and a member of each group said some beautiful things and I gave out the certificates and then they presented me with this amazing plaque for my work with them.  That's when I lost it.  Then I cried and as the rest of my time there went on other staff got teary eyed and one of the nurses who has hardly every talked to me and never showed any interest, came to the ward and had tears and thanked me and cried.  I was really shocked.  I have never felt so useful, appreciated or valued as I have felt this last year and a half.  I have also figured out how to ensure I keep feeling it; I just have to keep having good bye parties.  I just had good bye parties from New York and Boston and now Colombo and Badulla, I could just go to new places and after getting to know people and being sweet for a while, I leave and they throw me a good bye party and say nice things about me!!!!