Snorkeling inside and out!

     To get to Trincomalee took 2 buses, first, 4 hours to Kandy and then 5 hours to Trinco. That cost a total of $3.50 which is why there is no money to fix or buy new buses but also allows SLs to travel a lot. In many families, even among the doctors, the home base is one town but work is another.  It can take 7 to 9 hours to get home periodically and this is the usual way people live.   Nilaveli Beach was my first destination and was lovely. It is supposed to be the nicest beach in Sri Lanka and has been unreachable for years both because of the Tsunami but more so because of the 30 year war between the Singhala people and the Tamils who mostly live in the north and east of the country.  It is a wide beach but not georgeous like the Carribean or Hawaii. The place I stayed was so friendly, really expensive for here $67.50 a night with hot water, AC (both an unexpected plus ), breakfast and dinner.  The boat to get to Pigeon island to snorkel, $13.50.
     I snorkeled for hours (my painful, peeling back can testify). Great coral considering the Tsunami that wiped out so much of this beach not long ago and day trippers who walk all over it.  Not that many fish but good variety.  Always when I snorkel, I feel like I am floating and thin and non existent to the fish.  I am an unseen visitor.  That's how I felt being there and at the resort, non existent.  There was a point where it started to feel dangerous and difficult to go further while I was snorkeling so I turned back. I realized no one would know for hours if something happened to me.  The boat man would eventually come looking and that got me started  thinking about my life, how frequently I feel invisible.  I am not saying this with judgement or poor me, I think I'm stating a fact.  People don't notice people in general, especially if you are sort of ordinary, not flashy, quiet.  For years in NYC I'd see the same people daily and they never noticed me.  As a person alone here or NYC, no one knows where I am most of the time, either place it would be days before it was noticed.  People marvel at what I do by myself and feel I am brave.  Maybe I am but I think what are my options, do nothing because I am alone?  No one to come snorkeling with so don't do it; this activity I have loved since I first did it in 1967 with my friend Dorothy in St. John, Virgin Islands?    That doesn't make sense or feel good.  Some people always find and have mates, friends, lovers; some don't. Life is about living it, as it is, as it unfolds and with as much courage as one can muster. I have learned though, that I don't want to be totally invisible.  I want to live somewhere were people notice if I am home or not, where I am not invisible to the community.  I want a partner, lover, a mate. I can't manufacture one but I can decide where I want to live... SO I had all these thoughts while snorkeling and of course then realized I was missing what I  loved by not being present in the moment! 
      When I came out of the water, a bunch of muslim people had arrived on the little beach of Pigeon Island where the snorkeling was.  3 women where totally in black, standing in the water a little.  2 had their faces covered except for their eyes (in Badulla there is one woman who wears a black veil over her face, black gloves and black shoes and socks).  Anyway, by the time I left, the 3 women were up to their necks in the water but veils stayed in place!  Love and respect for G-d is what I've been told.  BTW, if I haven't said before, the muslims here generally are more educated, speak beautiful english and are very sweet and gracious to me.  Part of the joy I get daily is walking on this little side lane on which mostly muslims live.  Everyone greets me and the children, speaking in english love to chat.  You can't judge a book by it's cover! Anyway, I keep digressing.  The rest of my stay in Trinco was such a treat, there is another volunteer here named Asela, she is Philippina and we had a couple of terrific days seeing the sites of this lovely town.  We even got all wet at the hot springs visited by the locals who see the springs as a holy site. (pictures on facebook).
     On a totally separate note, I have lost one of each of my favorite earings.  I have owned these earings for 25 to 35years and never lost one.  What is that about?

The perfect meal

     Okay, I have returned to the perfect meal and I am basically living on it..Tuna Melts!  It has everything one could need, protein, vegetables, calcium, complex carbs..everything and no fat (I do not use mayonnaise, I use limes instead).  Okay yes the veggies are onions and sliced tomato, the calcium is this low fat sliced fake cheese stuff, but it's alright.  It is a hassle that I have to prepare the tuna but what to do..I have to do a little cooking!  I think my landlady has looked in my fridge because she has offered me lunch or dinner twice in the last 3 weeks.
     The longer I am here the more confused about the Sri Lankans I become.  They have been rated number 7 on the list of  the happiest people in the world and number 8 in people who kill themselves!   As I have previously said, each week we see so many people, men and women, teens, young adults, taking poison (very readily available in the supermarket), trying to hang themselves.  It's almost routine here!  The other day we were asked to evaluate a young woman who is pregnant, who is very sad because her husband committed suicide recently.  Most Sri Lankans have never even tasted liquor, especially the women.  However the alcoholism rate is thru the roof.  The majority of Sri Lankans are Buddhists yet the judgements and gossip are constant.  People are very aware of what others do, how they do it, how they dress, what woman dares to put on pants etc.  They are fascinated by my jewelry, rings, especially bracelets. (not that Americans are much different).
     I can't remember if I have described bus taking here.  I have opted to take buses over trains because the trains are so interminably long and slow, I feel I could go nuts.  The buses are only reservable on the night one to and from Colombo which is wonderful.  Otherwise you just show up.  I have learned never to take a seat on the first right hand seats because if a Buddhist priest gets on, even if he is 5 years old, he get's the seat.  On the left you do run the risk of a handicapped person needing the seat.  I got fooled the other day because I took the non handicapped seat on the left, front but a Buddhist kid got on and the 2 seats on the right where already occupied by the priests so a bunch of hands sort of picked me up and moved me to the seat behind and someone else gave up their seat.  The thing I then discover which is really nice really is that several people put their packages, purses etc on your lap to hold since they are standing.  The buses cost nothing, literally going 4 to 7 hours away costs between $2 and $4.  There is a government bus, red, and private buses, usually white.  They are in competition with each other so they refuse no one.  Imagine being a sardine in a can with oil around you.  As the bus moves from place to place they pack in more sardines so that the red or white tin starts leaking the oil and it's just sardines rubbing up against each other until you think the can will burst.  Finally at some stop, 4 people get off but of course 3 or 5 people get on..and so it goes.  I have come to totally ignore it and frequently if I have some food with me, I share it as the others do with me.  Of course half way to wherever, the bus stops and some people get off and then 10 minutes later everyone get's on and you get your seat back.
      October 10 is World Mental Health Day so the staff are busy getting ready for it by having a Mental Health camp for the patients and families from our Clinic and for the general public.  This pretty much puts everything on hold.  I am planning on making contact with the nursing school to try to give a little lesson about the importance of patient's mental health along with their physical health.  Most nurses think MH is a waste and don't want to work with us.
     I spend a lot of time noticing feet.  This will be a surprise to some who know me because there was a period in my life when I couldn't stand feet, toes especially, couldn't even say the words... well, I see how useful feet are.  Many people here do not wear shoes, some, if they do wear shoes wear only flip flops.  Feet are such hard workers, I now admire them and notice them (well they are everywhere and very seen).

The light dawns

     I haven't been feeling depressed anymore but I haven't been feeling like my positive self either.  I have been thinking about my life here, at home, the future, what I want, how I see things and I finally identified the feeling. It is disappointment.  I am disappointed.  My entire life I have thought about volunteering to help in a place where they have so little materially, financially, structurally, whatever,  that whatever I could do might be useful.  Here in Sri Lanka I think I am useful.  I think my years of life experience, mental health experience is helping in some little way to create a better environment for mentally ill people by educating the staff and the community about good mental health practice.  I know that starting an AA group which we work on regularly to get people involved is a major event for this district.  I am liked and respected. 
      So why am I disappointed?  It is because I lived a fantasy and now I live a reality.  This is not the poorest country, they do not have the same issues as Africa and that is where I wanted to be.  The reality is that the volunteers in Africa complain of the same issues I do!  It's all fantasy, whatever I do is really fine.  i actually have located a village right near me that is among the poorest of the poor.  I heard about this village from a newsletter I get from the Buddhist Global Relief.  I am in touch with the group helping in the village called Sarvodaya Women's Movement and shall go see the village next week.  I have no idea if there is any way I can do something but this village is within miles of Badulla, terrible. The same exists in America, one does not have to go too far really. 
     If at the end of my time here, I haven't had my fantasy become a reality, if I still need it to, if I want to check out fantasy land, there are many ways to do it, and I can.  I can go to many countries in Africa as a short term volunteer, I can be on a list to go in emergencies, I can do many things.  Maybe I shall be happy to go home and not need to do it, maybe I shall go home and then go traveling again, maybe anything!  I am relieved to have identified what was happening inside me.  I really feel much better!

I made it!

     Well, I seem to have weathered the storm as "they" (who are they anyway?) say.  My mother used to say "they" are all wearing that, when I would ask how something looked on my chubby little body.  I never knew who "they" were but I hated them..anyway, I digress.  It seems my low mood was due to my coming to a grown up age, something I absolutely didn't want to do apparently but I made it thru Thursday then Friday and felt no more mature then I felt on Wednesday or last week..actually since I developed a pimple on my nose I felt a bit younger! The more I think about myself getting older, the more I can see how much the same I have always been.  I am pretty much the same person I was at age 5 or 6.  Nine trillion years of therapy, meditating, doing therapy, studying Buddhism, living life; I would still same I am a kind, sweet, good hearted person who is sometimes a real annoying pain in the ass!  I welcome comments of agreement or disagreement or anything you wish to say on the subject is fine.  My party was a success?  I don't know.  I tried to do it the absolute Sri Lankan way, almost.  I was told I had to have bananas rather then any other fruit, no tea could be served, no water was necessary and I should have lunch packets if it was at 12 noon.  My only deviation from this was to bring bottles of water and most people did not drink it. The things wrapped in newspaper are rice and curry.  Yes newspaper is used for wrapping lunch, wiping your a-s, wiping your hands etc. This is a developing country.  They cannot afford the paper products we so easily use and discard. Yes there I go, I was just on my soap box as a friend likes to tell me, part of being a pain in the butt, very annoying.  Anyway,  I totally screwed up by not individually going to each staff member and inviting them so two of the nurses did not come.  This was not good but hopefully now fixed.  The cultural and language differences sometimes feel like they are getting foggier rather then clearer.  No one said very much at the party.  I was instructed as to how to conduct it.  I encouraged people to take lunch and no one moved then the Consultant Psychiatrist said why didn't I cut the cake.  I said have dessert before lunch????  He said on special occasions, this is what they do so I cut the cake and gave it out with a banana to each person and that was good!  I brought music but no one responded.  After sitting around for a while it was whispered in my ear that the Minor (aide) staff would rather eat their lunch separately.  The nurses ended up doing the same. The comfort level is not there I think for the different catagories of staff to eat together.  However even though I said people should go and do as they wished, no one moved.  Then I was told there was a song at which point the staff sang a very beautiful song about Sri Lanka.  After that I gave a little speech since I couldn't think of a song to sing in that moment.  Then Dr. P. gave a speech about me then big, big surprise i was presented with a lovely picture by all the staff and a beautiful top from the nurses and Laxmi gave me a bracelet but it was in secret and I can't tell the others!  I was very touched but felt bad because they have so little and don't really celebrate their own birthdays, but you know, I'm 65 so fuck it, it's OK.

The Sri Lankan Ways

     I am working my way thru my little aging crisis but along the way more important things are being discovered like the proper arrangements for my birthday party.  I wanted a party where everyone was invited so no one felt left out and we could dance and have american food, drink and have an American good time.  Well that costs a lot.  So then I thought a party in my house but cutting down on who was invited, this led to secrecy and possible bad feelings, I am now at the place I didn't want to be, the place everyone is happy..a good old fashioned Sri Lankan party just like everyone else's with Short eats (shorties) which are like their version of appetizers (but they eat them for tea time and lunch sometimes ).  They are vegetable, egg, chicken or fish filled rolls, buns, rotti or many other varieties of fattening and hot (spicy) things.  Fruit, bananas are the usual, I may suggest something else but I will probably be overruled, tea and cake. That's it.  Everyone will sit around and eat, talk and then get up and leave and that will be that!  I have discovered however, that many people have never celebrated their birthdays at all.  They have no party, no gift, no acknowledgement even.  People here have always been too poor.  Their was no extra.  While I was in China, Laxmi had texted that it was her birthday.  When I came back and we talked about it she had never ever received one present on her birthday.  I gave her her first present. 
      Speaking of fruits which I started to before, this island has the most fascinating fruits and they are quite delicious or odd or horrible but different then anything I have tasted before.  There is Jambu which is red and odd and Rambutan which is red with spikes all over it but amazingly juicy and delicious, looks like a lychee inside but tastes much better, there are guavas which are nothing like what we know as a guava and other little brown things that require breaking thru the skin and sucking out this sweet/sour taste.  Then there is amberella which they use a lot for curry and mangosteens which have a purple hard shell and which are white, so yummy and sweet . There are these fruits called anoda or custard apple which are green outside and you eat the white pulp inside with a spoon, sooo delicious.  Then of course ubiquitous ripe jack fruit, the most useful vegetable in existence.  That's a few, there are others, some I have yet to try.  I am a creature of habit perhaps or perhaps I just know what I like, I tend to eat a fuju apple and pinapple pretty much every day.  The others are for fun.
     Have I talked about death notices?  When someone dies the notice is printed on a 81/2 by 11 inch white paper in black letters.  There are the dates of birth and death, the name, a picture and the rest is in Singhala so I can't say.  I had noticed signs like this posted all around and sometimes I stop and read them.  The other day when we were out on a home visit, we arrived at a place and I was told we were going to a funeral parlor for a nurse's husband's 90 something year old mother.  One of the nurses used to work with this nurse so we were there.  On entering, there where lots of people, we were moved toward the body which is totally draped in white (buddhist), she was lying on a double size bed type thing, also all white with a sort of canopy thing, also in white.  The body is in the middle, on soft, silky white billowy things.  It was all quite peaceful.  After paying our respects we were moved to a dining room area with just enough room for a large table surrounded by chairs.  Cookies are passed around 2 to 3 times.  After finishing the cookies a fruit drink is given.  Have I mentioned that people do not drink during eating times, it is always after.  My little rebellion with the staff is that I pour water when I am going to start eating and sometimes sip it while in the process of eating!  Anyway after that we were encouraged to go outside of the house where chairs were set up and people now sit there for some period of time.  While there I saw Nilantha's father (our wonderful SW).  We chatted a few minutes.  Later Nilantha told me he had already been there.  My point aside from describing the ritual is that Sri Lankans are very connected and see it as their responsibility to attend the funeral of their friend's husband's cousin's wife's brother..get my drift?  They know if a boy who is the son of the brother of a worker had appendicitis and will or won't be able to take his A level exams.  Everyone is family.
     This weekend I was invited to the AA meeting.  It was declared an open meeting because they wanted me to attend and the local Buddhist Priest as well.   There are now one or two very involved members who hopefully will try to keep the meeting going.  The AA people from Colombo are paying on their own to come and ride the 6 hours in the middle of the night on motorcycles to get there for Sunday morning!  I believe the Catholic Charities here called Caritas are going to give them some funding to keep them coming.  If any of you feel so inclined and want to help out, for $50 they can get the AA posters in Singhala and Tamil.  Right now only English is available which is useless in Badulla and (my fingers are crossed) in the future, useless on the tea estates.  Any contribution would be great.
     There are 2 more things to tell you.  My frustration with not knowing what is being said continues to be great but I handle it better.  Eventually someone will turn to me and fill me in, a little bit.  For me, ms. curious, ms. I want to know everything, this is so hard.  The worst of course is not being able to teach spontaneously, as something is happening.
     I had a long talk with Nilantha PSW the other day about many things.  He is the most curious about life all around the world, is the most knowledgeable about politics  and we often spend hours exchanging information.  He wanted to know about hotels and what they cost and if it is OK for Sri Lankans to eat with their hands in hotels in Sri Lanka and if you have to pay for the swimming pool if there is one.  People here do not stay in hotels, it's much too costly.  Nilantha for example makes 20000 LKR a month.  That is about $200 a month!  Anyway, I still hadn't gotten the toilet system down pat yet so he went thru a huge explanation and demonstration for me of toilet etiquette in Sri Lanka.
     I have saved the best for last, the greatest habit of the Sri Lankans..nose picking.  They don't blow their noses in public, they do some other little things but publicly people are always putting their fingers in there..Chinese do the same..I guess it's an Asian thing.

Getting old?

     Wow I am really having a hard time the last few days, maybe since I returned from China.  I am not sure; but today I sunk and felt so many bad feelings and started wondering what I shall do here for another ten months.  I think it is most related to my upcoming birthday which has put me into a state of disbelief.  I feel no older then 37, at the most..how could I be turning 65, it just doesn't feel possible, it feels shocking to me.  i am having thoughts of people disregarding me because I am old and life being short and all those horrible things.  It manifests in feeling I am useless here, disregarded and anyway I wanted to volunteer and feel I made a difference, i am thinking maybe I shall go change baby's diapers in an orphanage in Africa or take care of gorillas somewhere because that would be fun too!  I am realizing I have no real plan for a future life at home in the States..I am freaking out!!!!!  Anyway, that is what I was feeling all morning at work and was sure that Laxmi my buddy didn't even like me anymore (yes friends I know, I'm telling you it was a few hours slip).  Anyway, at some point I said to gloomy Laxmi, someone is really unhappy today, meaning her and being sure, being the narcisist I can be, that it was about something I had done. She and the other 2 nurses in the room surprised me by saying yes, something is wrong and finally Laxmi leaned forward and said, my husband got cross with me and I feel terrible. How many times do I have to have the same lesson DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY and DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS!!  It happened because I was feeling sad and bad and was more vulnerable and the lessons still continued.  I have been talking for months with the nurses, every time we go out on a home visit about writing a note about their observations in the charts, talking about community work and teams and continuity of care, blah, blah..no one listens and then today when I was talking to the nurse I am doing the home visits with tomorrow about it he said, yes we started last week writing in the patient's chart about how they are doing, what we are seeing.  
     Anyway, I am indeed starting to think about the future and it is pretty blank. I really miss my patients, that life of doing psychotherapy and I loved clinical teaching.  I miss Mari and wish for time back.  I wonder if I'll have sex again; if I shall love and be loved. I really feel there are many places to travel I have yet to see and feel quite capable of getting around.  Over the weekend I went hiking with another volunteer in a place called Haputale and in 24 hours we walked and climbed about 15 kilometers..pretty good.  There has also been a flurry of emails among my old Mt. Sinai classmates and I seem to be one of the few without any replaced parts!  

Travels

     Before I even left for China, I was having adventures in Colombo.  This is the text I sent to my colleagues in Badulla:  "Have just adopted a baby.." They did believe I had adopted a Chinese baby but no, I adopted an 6 week old Calico baby and of course named her Baby. She waited for me in Colombo while I went to China and came home with me this week.  But let's get to China, it was fabulous, I loved it.  It was so much more then I expected, friendly people (this surprised me because in other Asian places I have been, like Viet Name, I did not find the people particularly friendly), big developed, middle and upper class cities and more importantly, beauty especially in the countryside.  We flew all over and the scenery was stunning.  They have become huge consumers, like Americans and status seekers.  They are also losing traditions like taking care of parents so there is a law making people responsible for their own elderly.  Kids (teens and early 20s) are totally into themselves, how they look, what they own.  they have little awareness of being in a communist country or what their own parents and grandparents went thru. In other words they are like American kids and richer Sri Lankan kids in Colombo. 
     I started in Shanghai and spent a day at Expo which was terrific except for the American pavilion which was boring and minor compared to others.  The other thing that was truly upsetting was that the representative, introducing the films at the American Pavilion was Koby Bryant...the best of the USA I guess!  I had the opportunity on several occasions to do Tai Chi both in the park in Beijing and on the ship we sailed down the Yangtze river.  When I get thru editing my 1200 pictures, you will see a picture of me awkwardly doing it.  Anyway, it was terrific and I learned a lot about China and their now lack of love for Mao. Although I can see Asian similarities in Sri Lankans and Chinese, the major difference is that Chinese have terrible tempers which they display in public as they do their laundry which hangs outside their hi rise windows.  The first day I got there I saw several verbal arguments and something thrown at someone. Sri Lankans are gentle, non confrontative people. However the suicide rate is high in both countries although higher in Sri Lanka, highest in the district I live in. 
     The Chinese are into Feng Shui, horescopes (as are the Sri Lankans), acupuncture, acupressure, cupping, jade for health, gambling, liquor (as are the Sri Lankans), Tai Chi and Mahjong.  We visited the great wall of China, the Forbidden City, the terra Cotta soldiers, the summer palace 2 amazing groups of mountains down beautiful scenic rivers gorges, Hong Kong, beautiful countryside rice paddies, Tianamen Square  and so much more.
      The best part was my sister Roberta and my cousin Helene joining me there.  They suffered, it was hot and muggy but even worse, I know they didn't come to Sri Lanka because they never wanted to have to deal with a porcelain hole in the ground for a toilet, squatting is not their thing.  Well, it is an Asian thing so they had to stand in long lines frequently waiting for the only western toilet; when there wasn't one, Helene kept her legs crossed all day!  I am truly grateful that they joined me and felt sad at separating from them at the end of the trip.