Hard decisions

     November 19th began the hardest time I have had here.  My sister Roberta called me.  It was late afternoon here but early morning in Boston.  She told me that my cousin and friend, Stephen had had a massive heart attack and died on the spot in his gym the evening before.  This is a guy I really loved and his wife is one of my best friends.  The agony of not being able to make it to the funeral and the decision to stay put for now was so difficult.  To not be there for Lyn, to not be there for my 92 year old aunt, to not be there for my sisters was a foreign concept.  We have a very loyal family bond.  A friend here suggested I write something about him and I did.  
     This loss and Thanksgiving have brought up to me how much culture has to do with who we are.  I am so American and miss my connections with Americans.  Having a shared understanding is so much greater thayn language.  I may complain about America and I am very upset with the way things are going there, but I can say that.  Here you can't really say that, it is not OK to be too critical.  I can also see what a difference it makes to have separation of church and state which does not exist here either.
     A funny story though about culture and language, nothing I haven't said before but I just have to laugh now rather then getting annoyed or puzzled.  I got in a trishaw (or tuktuk or 3 wheeler..all the same), and told the man where I was going.  He spoke very good english. He said: "We are on Ward Place, Cotta Road is the same".  I said: "yes, exactly, just continue onto Cotta Road and we shall come to it".  Of course when we came to Cotta Road which veered to the left, he started to veer to the right!  I said: "no, no, left" and he said: "Oh, Cotta Road?"
     I am feeling so much happier then I was for a few months.  Once again I see how much it isn't the place, the people, the circumstances, it's my mind that makes life good or bad, happy or sad, fulfilling or empty.  I felt that I couldn't tolerate staying; I was depressed.  I feel like I was having a giant, resistant to change, temper tantrum against myself.   Now I don't want to leave without doing what I hoped I would.  Now after spending some time in the early mornings thinking about what I wanted to accomplish, what would be acceptable, how to get things done without doing things I really didn't want to and being OK with that, who would help, how to make it a capacity building experience and sustainable..after figuring that out as best I could, I feel good.  I am a bit anxious and wake up with lists in my head of things to do each day.  I don't mean to imply that I am not worried about it all not happening, especially when I am not around for 3 weeks at a time over the next few months to nudge people.  I am very worried.  That probably means I am too invested in what I accomplish.  It is proof of how much me is involved.  However, it gives me more to work on in myself! By the way, I do check with people if I am being a nudge, if I am annoying, if they want me to stop asking for their involvement.  I keep being told that no, they like it, it's OK, it shows I care for them..that is a nice thing about being in this culture.  They GROK me!
     Speaking of groking me.  In the last few weeks I decided to first reread Pride and Prejudice which I loved, and miss, now that it is over.  The other book I decided to reread from my pot smoking, war protesting, sex filled days (LOL, don't I wish), was Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert Heinlein.  This book was the bible of the 60s.  Well so far I recognize not a word in my memory.  Although I find the book dated, like the terms used to describe women, calling women girls, descriptions of things; the issues are contemporary and as old as creation.  Crooked politicians, religious hate mongers and the whole issue of how many sides there can be to the same issue like cannibalism for example.  We may think it is terrible but a Martian sees it as a beautiful ritual..it's about the difference between a closed and an open mind and heart too.  I think since the beginning of time, little has really improved in terms of attitudes towards others!  War continues, hate continues, slavery continues, greed continues on and on.  Fortunately love and gratitude and generosity also continues. 
     One last note, I was thrilled and surprised at being on the list of the 50 best volunteer blogs around the world. I must say I am very proud of myself and appreciate how many people took a moment to send me congratulations.  kisses to all

If I believed...

     I have decided that Arugam Bay is, so far, my favorite place in Sri Lanka.  The first day I arrived, I took a long walk on the beach and on the way back, the sun was starting to set.  If I believed in God, (not sure), I would be convinced that I had witnessed the gates of heaven opening.  I have never seen anything as magnificent as the sun rays going up toward the sky and the clouds outlined in gold.  The picture does it no justice but of course I didn't have my camera with me!d so my friend took the picture but a moment late.  The sunrises were almost equal.  (All the pictures are on Facebook and Snapfish if anyone wants to see them.)  
     I am quite fortunate with my work these days, not because I am doing so much but because I don't seem to have the hassles so many other volunteers here and in other countries have with bosses and coworkers.  I had a long talk with our Psychiatrist the other day, sharing ideas about changes that I think would be helpful, showing him our mandate for mental health in this country and talking about utilizing staff in new ways.  I told him I had been putting this conversation off because in ward rounds he was so busy.  He said I can always interrupt him, he wants to hear me and he thanked me for constantly reminding him to refer patients for counseling, that there is more then medication, that all patients don't need it; you know bringing those things up could get me in trouble with other staffs.  Yes, I am fortunate. Actually he is now committed to referring every patient who tries "deliberate self harming" for counseling. The biggest problem is of course there are no psychologists in this country and very few trained counselors so it is an afterthought to refer.  Fortunately there is one counselor from Women In Need who can see our referrals. Last week we had a meeting with my big boss, the Provincial Director of Health Services.  She is a very dynamic and powerful woman. I totally respect and admire her, but, I kept harping on our need for transportation for community mental health work.  That is the direction they want, that is partly what this big meeting was about.  She got quite annoyed with me.  After the meeting I asked her if she wanted me to fly home!  I do not worry about these things.  I keep my mouth shut a lot and find other means to get things done but ultimately if I need to say something I do.  What can happen, I am asked to leave? so
     Last blog I mentioned about diapers (nappies) not being used.  Now I have discovered that children sleep in the same room sometimes in the same bed with their parents until 10 to 12 years old.  When they are moved into another room, siblings even girls and boys, share a bedroom.  People think it is terrible to have to sleep alone (actually I do too but for very different reasons!) Anyway, I of course asked how they manage to have sex, if the kids hear them..no one would discuss it that day, quite a lot of giggling and laughing about it.  It's really hilarious to me that in the States people would more easily have a sex discussion then a discussion about money; here it is the opposite, people tell me everything about their money, earnings, loans.
     Finally I need to share with everyone my latest unfortunate discovery..Baby is a whore!  A few days ago she didn't come home all evening.  When I went to bed, she still wasn't home.  All night I kept waking up and going to the door to call her and look for her..6:30 in the morning she came sauntering in, looked very satisfied, went to my bed and went to sleep!!