Hard decisions

     November 19th began the hardest time I have had here.  My sister Roberta called me.  It was late afternoon here but early morning in Boston.  She told me that my cousin and friend, Stephen had had a massive heart attack and died on the spot in his gym the evening before.  This is a guy I really loved and his wife is one of my best friends.  The agony of not being able to make it to the funeral and the decision to stay put for now was so difficult.  To not be there for Lyn, to not be there for my 92 year old aunt, to not be there for my sisters was a foreign concept.  We have a very loyal family bond.  A friend here suggested I write something about him and I did.  
     This loss and Thanksgiving have brought up to me how much culture has to do with who we are.  I am so American and miss my connections with Americans.  Having a shared understanding is so much greater thayn language.  I may complain about America and I am very upset with the way things are going there, but I can say that.  Here you can't really say that, it is not OK to be too critical.  I can also see what a difference it makes to have separation of church and state which does not exist here either.
     A funny story though about culture and language, nothing I haven't said before but I just have to laugh now rather then getting annoyed or puzzled.  I got in a trishaw (or tuktuk or 3 wheeler..all the same), and told the man where I was going.  He spoke very good english. He said: "We are on Ward Place, Cotta Road is the same".  I said: "yes, exactly, just continue onto Cotta Road and we shall come to it".  Of course when we came to Cotta Road which veered to the left, he started to veer to the right!  I said: "no, no, left" and he said: "Oh, Cotta Road?"
     I am feeling so much happier then I was for a few months.  Once again I see how much it isn't the place, the people, the circumstances, it's my mind that makes life good or bad, happy or sad, fulfilling or empty.  I felt that I couldn't tolerate staying; I was depressed.  I feel like I was having a giant, resistant to change, temper tantrum against myself.   Now I don't want to leave without doing what I hoped I would.  Now after spending some time in the early mornings thinking about what I wanted to accomplish, what would be acceptable, how to get things done without doing things I really didn't want to and being OK with that, who would help, how to make it a capacity building experience and sustainable..after figuring that out as best I could, I feel good.  I am a bit anxious and wake up with lists in my head of things to do each day.  I don't mean to imply that I am not worried about it all not happening, especially when I am not around for 3 weeks at a time over the next few months to nudge people.  I am very worried.  That probably means I am too invested in what I accomplish.  It is proof of how much me is involved.  However, it gives me more to work on in myself! By the way, I do check with people if I am being a nudge, if I am annoying, if they want me to stop asking for their involvement.  I keep being told that no, they like it, it's OK, it shows I care for them..that is a nice thing about being in this culture.  They GROK me!
     Speaking of groking me.  In the last few weeks I decided to first reread Pride and Prejudice which I loved, and miss, now that it is over.  The other book I decided to reread from my pot smoking, war protesting, sex filled days (LOL, don't I wish), was Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert Heinlein.  This book was the bible of the 60s.  Well so far I recognize not a word in my memory.  Although I find the book dated, like the terms used to describe women, calling women girls, descriptions of things; the issues are contemporary and as old as creation.  Crooked politicians, religious hate mongers and the whole issue of how many sides there can be to the same issue like cannibalism for example.  We may think it is terrible but a Martian sees it as a beautiful ritual..it's about the difference between a closed and an open mind and heart too.  I think since the beginning of time, little has really improved in terms of attitudes towards others!  War continues, hate continues, slavery continues, greed continues on and on.  Fortunately love and gratitude and generosity also continues. 
     One last note, I was thrilled and surprised at being on the list of the 50 best volunteer blogs around the world. I must say I am very proud of myself and appreciate how many people took a moment to send me congratulations.  kisses to all

If I believed...

     I have decided that Arugam Bay is, so far, my favorite place in Sri Lanka.  The first day I arrived, I took a long walk on the beach and on the way back, the sun was starting to set.  If I believed in God, (not sure), I would be convinced that I had witnessed the gates of heaven opening.  I have never seen anything as magnificent as the sun rays going up toward the sky and the clouds outlined in gold.  The picture does it no justice but of course I didn't have my camera with me!d so my friend took the picture but a moment late.  The sunrises were almost equal.  (All the pictures are on Facebook and Snapfish if anyone wants to see them.)  
     I am quite fortunate with my work these days, not because I am doing so much but because I don't seem to have the hassles so many other volunteers here and in other countries have with bosses and coworkers.  I had a long talk with our Psychiatrist the other day, sharing ideas about changes that I think would be helpful, showing him our mandate for mental health in this country and talking about utilizing staff in new ways.  I told him I had been putting this conversation off because in ward rounds he was so busy.  He said I can always interrupt him, he wants to hear me and he thanked me for constantly reminding him to refer patients for counseling, that there is more then medication, that all patients don't need it; you know bringing those things up could get me in trouble with other staffs.  Yes, I am fortunate. Actually he is now committed to referring every patient who tries "deliberate self harming" for counseling. The biggest problem is of course there are no psychologists in this country and very few trained counselors so it is an afterthought to refer.  Fortunately there is one counselor from Women In Need who can see our referrals. Last week we had a meeting with my big boss, the Provincial Director of Health Services.  She is a very dynamic and powerful woman. I totally respect and admire her, but, I kept harping on our need for transportation for community mental health work.  That is the direction they want, that is partly what this big meeting was about.  She got quite annoyed with me.  After the meeting I asked her if she wanted me to fly home!  I do not worry about these things.  I keep my mouth shut a lot and find other means to get things done but ultimately if I need to say something I do.  What can happen, I am asked to leave? so
     Last blog I mentioned about diapers (nappies) not being used.  Now I have discovered that children sleep in the same room sometimes in the same bed with their parents until 10 to 12 years old.  When they are moved into another room, siblings even girls and boys, share a bedroom.  People think it is terrible to have to sleep alone (actually I do too but for very different reasons!) Anyway, I of course asked how they manage to have sex, if the kids hear them..no one would discuss it that day, quite a lot of giggling and laughing about it.  It's really hilarious to me that in the States people would more easily have a sex discussion then a discussion about money; here it is the opposite, people tell me everything about their money, earnings, loans.
     Finally I need to share with everyone my latest unfortunate discovery..Baby is a whore!  A few days ago she didn't come home all evening.  When I went to bed, she still wasn't home.  All night I kept waking up and going to the door to call her and look for her..6:30 in the morning she came sauntering in, looked very satisfied, went to my bed and went to sleep!!

good and bad

Baby (my kitten) had her tubes tied on Wednesday.  On Saturday I opened the door and she is now free to come and go as she chooses.  So far, she is not leaving the property but we'll see.  i actually felt bad that I was never letting her have any babies but the internet says sterilizing female cats keeps them from getting breast cancer so as with everything else in life, I can choose to feel bad for her or good for her!  Same with myself; I can feel bad about old, neurotic things or interactions with people who are not as nice as they should be or I can feel good knowing that I am here doing what I am and let myself be.
  I must say, I felt bad not being able to be at the Jon Stewart rally yesterday but I did watch it on the internet which was good except that it stopped and started so much, I missed a lot which was bad. What am I talking about..I don't know. Work feels sort of stuck and I am talking to the powers that be at VSO about maybe just adding a little by going to other places if they need on occasion. Additionally, I am trying to make sure that even if I do little here in terms of helping the Mental Health system, I get to see the country I am living in.  I have now been to the East coast 2 times, once to the beach in Trincomalee and once to Arugam Bay.  This weekend I am going to Batticoloa also to a beach and to visit another volunteer who lives there.  Until very recently, since I have been here, we were not allowed to travel to the East  because of the war.  The restriction to Batti was on when I arrived.  I feel fortunate that I can now go. We are still not allowed to travel to the North, Jaffna, I think because they don't want us to see the DPC (displaced persons camps) that still exist.  the government is actually making it hard on all the NGOs including us to get our residency Visas; so now, VSO has to apply every 2 months for each of us, it is a full time job just doing that for 26 people all here at different times.  Anyway,  I have loved the East coast.  The beaches are lovely of course and I will have managed to see all three before it is out of season; but more, the most wonderful people live in the East, mostly Muslims or Tamils.  Pretty much everyone in those communities speak english and are so friendly and helpful.  All of Sri Lanka is like that but it is more so there.  What really saves this place for me is the people.  Sri Lankans are sweet, kind people.  That is good.  What is bad as I've said before is the lack of counseling available.  People just don't talk about problems here.  They literally smile as they tell you something awful.  They commit suicide as I've said.  It is better to die than to let someone think you are angry with them. Even worse would be to yell at someone who is making you angry.  There is no processing of feelings.  What is good (I am back to this..) is that people in the know are starting to talk about the problems more and even want to have community workers go into the villages and identify issues..it will change over time but this is a country where a 17 year old girl will take poison if her parents say she can't see a boy rather than arguing or discussing even.  The other day, an 18 yo took an overdose of the equivalent of aspirin because she thought her parents didn't like her boy, 2 years ago when they really didn't like a boy she also took an overdose; this time, fearing her daughter was dead, the mother swallowed poison.  The mother is only 34years old.  When it is determined that it was "just impulsive" like the mom, no hospitalization in psych.  The daughter was admitted.  In Sri Lanka if you go out with someone, a boy and girl date, it is called a love affair.  They are having a love affair, they are having an affair..sex is not included or expected or approved of.  It is about dating only.  The sexual attacks on girls by boys in schools however,  is going up.  I think it is because boys are seeing sex.  Although few have computers, fewer still the internet, there are places you can go to get access to the internet and boys, using it much more, are getting much more exposure to sex let alone pornography.  All this is going to have to be dealt with here, as I have said, for good and bad Sri Lankans live like in the '50s but the world is creeping in with all the advances and all the horrors .  
Can you imagine this:  One day I went to visit one of our doctors and his wife who is also a doctor.  Their baby is about 3 months.  I noticed the baby was not in a diaper, just some little panties.  I asked about it and was told that except for at the very beginning, they don't use nappies!  After 2 or 3 months the baby is put on the bed every morning at the same time and has a BM on a towel or something.  Peeing happens whenever.  I said but you get all wet, she said diapers give terrible rashes to babies, we can change the baby and our clothes.  Why would we want our babies to have to suffer!  Isn't that amazing and wonderful.  I wonder if it will change, I hope not.  
Oy, I just had to go and rescue Baby from under a roof where she went when the monsoon came before!  She is not good!!!! Why didn't she come home when I called her before the rains!! children

Snorkeling inside and out!

     To get to Trincomalee took 2 buses, first, 4 hours to Kandy and then 5 hours to Trinco. That cost a total of $3.50 which is why there is no money to fix or buy new buses but also allows SLs to travel a lot. In many families, even among the doctors, the home base is one town but work is another.  It can take 7 to 9 hours to get home periodically and this is the usual way people live.   Nilaveli Beach was my first destination and was lovely. It is supposed to be the nicest beach in Sri Lanka and has been unreachable for years both because of the Tsunami but more so because of the 30 year war between the Singhala people and the Tamils who mostly live in the north and east of the country.  It is a wide beach but not georgeous like the Carribean or Hawaii. The place I stayed was so friendly, really expensive for here $67.50 a night with hot water, AC (both an unexpected plus ), breakfast and dinner.  The boat to get to Pigeon island to snorkel, $13.50.
     I snorkeled for hours (my painful, peeling back can testify). Great coral considering the Tsunami that wiped out so much of this beach not long ago and day trippers who walk all over it.  Not that many fish but good variety.  Always when I snorkel, I feel like I am floating and thin and non existent to the fish.  I am an unseen visitor.  That's how I felt being there and at the resort, non existent.  There was a point where it started to feel dangerous and difficult to go further while I was snorkeling so I turned back. I realized no one would know for hours if something happened to me.  The boat man would eventually come looking and that got me started  thinking about my life, how frequently I feel invisible.  I am not saying this with judgement or poor me, I think I'm stating a fact.  People don't notice people in general, especially if you are sort of ordinary, not flashy, quiet.  For years in NYC I'd see the same people daily and they never noticed me.  As a person alone here or NYC, no one knows where I am most of the time, either place it would be days before it was noticed.  People marvel at what I do by myself and feel I am brave.  Maybe I am but I think what are my options, do nothing because I am alone?  No one to come snorkeling with so don't do it; this activity I have loved since I first did it in 1967 with my friend Dorothy in St. John, Virgin Islands?    That doesn't make sense or feel good.  Some people always find and have mates, friends, lovers; some don't. Life is about living it, as it is, as it unfolds and with as much courage as one can muster. I have learned though, that I don't want to be totally invisible.  I want to live somewhere were people notice if I am home or not, where I am not invisible to the community.  I want a partner, lover, a mate. I can't manufacture one but I can decide where I want to live... SO I had all these thoughts while snorkeling and of course then realized I was missing what I  loved by not being present in the moment! 
      When I came out of the water, a bunch of muslim people had arrived on the little beach of Pigeon Island where the snorkeling was.  3 women where totally in black, standing in the water a little.  2 had their faces covered except for their eyes (in Badulla there is one woman who wears a black veil over her face, black gloves and black shoes and socks).  Anyway, by the time I left, the 3 women were up to their necks in the water but veils stayed in place!  Love and respect for G-d is what I've been told.  BTW, if I haven't said before, the muslims here generally are more educated, speak beautiful english and are very sweet and gracious to me.  Part of the joy I get daily is walking on this little side lane on which mostly muslims live.  Everyone greets me and the children, speaking in english love to chat.  You can't judge a book by it's cover! Anyway, I keep digressing.  The rest of my stay in Trinco was such a treat, there is another volunteer here named Asela, she is Philippina and we had a couple of terrific days seeing the sites of this lovely town.  We even got all wet at the hot springs visited by the locals who see the springs as a holy site. (pictures on facebook).
     On a totally separate note, I have lost one of each of my favorite earings.  I have owned these earings for 25 to 35years and never lost one.  What is that about?

The perfect meal

     Okay, I have returned to the perfect meal and I am basically living on it..Tuna Melts!  It has everything one could need, protein, vegetables, calcium, complex carbs..everything and no fat (I do not use mayonnaise, I use limes instead).  Okay yes the veggies are onions and sliced tomato, the calcium is this low fat sliced fake cheese stuff, but it's alright.  It is a hassle that I have to prepare the tuna but what to do..I have to do a little cooking!  I think my landlady has looked in my fridge because she has offered me lunch or dinner twice in the last 3 weeks.
     The longer I am here the more confused about the Sri Lankans I become.  They have been rated number 7 on the list of  the happiest people in the world and number 8 in people who kill themselves!   As I have previously said, each week we see so many people, men and women, teens, young adults, taking poison (very readily available in the supermarket), trying to hang themselves.  It's almost routine here!  The other day we were asked to evaluate a young woman who is pregnant, who is very sad because her husband committed suicide recently.  Most Sri Lankans have never even tasted liquor, especially the women.  However the alcoholism rate is thru the roof.  The majority of Sri Lankans are Buddhists yet the judgements and gossip are constant.  People are very aware of what others do, how they do it, how they dress, what woman dares to put on pants etc.  They are fascinated by my jewelry, rings, especially bracelets. (not that Americans are much different).
     I can't remember if I have described bus taking here.  I have opted to take buses over trains because the trains are so interminably long and slow, I feel I could go nuts.  The buses are only reservable on the night one to and from Colombo which is wonderful.  Otherwise you just show up.  I have learned never to take a seat on the first right hand seats because if a Buddhist priest gets on, even if he is 5 years old, he get's the seat.  On the left you do run the risk of a handicapped person needing the seat.  I got fooled the other day because I took the non handicapped seat on the left, front but a Buddhist kid got on and the 2 seats on the right where already occupied by the priests so a bunch of hands sort of picked me up and moved me to the seat behind and someone else gave up their seat.  The thing I then discover which is really nice really is that several people put their packages, purses etc on your lap to hold since they are standing.  The buses cost nothing, literally going 4 to 7 hours away costs between $2 and $4.  There is a government bus, red, and private buses, usually white.  They are in competition with each other so they refuse no one.  Imagine being a sardine in a can with oil around you.  As the bus moves from place to place they pack in more sardines so that the red or white tin starts leaking the oil and it's just sardines rubbing up against each other until you think the can will burst.  Finally at some stop, 4 people get off but of course 3 or 5 people get on..and so it goes.  I have come to totally ignore it and frequently if I have some food with me, I share it as the others do with me.  Of course half way to wherever, the bus stops and some people get off and then 10 minutes later everyone get's on and you get your seat back.
      October 10 is World Mental Health Day so the staff are busy getting ready for it by having a Mental Health camp for the patients and families from our Clinic and for the general public.  This pretty much puts everything on hold.  I am planning on making contact with the nursing school to try to give a little lesson about the importance of patient's mental health along with their physical health.  Most nurses think MH is a waste and don't want to work with us.
     I spend a lot of time noticing feet.  This will be a surprise to some who know me because there was a period in my life when I couldn't stand feet, toes especially, couldn't even say the words... well, I see how useful feet are.  Many people here do not wear shoes, some, if they do wear shoes wear only flip flops.  Feet are such hard workers, I now admire them and notice them (well they are everywhere and very seen).

The light dawns

     I haven't been feeling depressed anymore but I haven't been feeling like my positive self either.  I have been thinking about my life here, at home, the future, what I want, how I see things and I finally identified the feeling. It is disappointment.  I am disappointed.  My entire life I have thought about volunteering to help in a place where they have so little materially, financially, structurally, whatever,  that whatever I could do might be useful.  Here in Sri Lanka I think I am useful.  I think my years of life experience, mental health experience is helping in some little way to create a better environment for mentally ill people by educating the staff and the community about good mental health practice.  I know that starting an AA group which we work on regularly to get people involved is a major event for this district.  I am liked and respected. 
      So why am I disappointed?  It is because I lived a fantasy and now I live a reality.  This is not the poorest country, they do not have the same issues as Africa and that is where I wanted to be.  The reality is that the volunteers in Africa complain of the same issues I do!  It's all fantasy, whatever I do is really fine.  i actually have located a village right near me that is among the poorest of the poor.  I heard about this village from a newsletter I get from the Buddhist Global Relief.  I am in touch with the group helping in the village called Sarvodaya Women's Movement and shall go see the village next week.  I have no idea if there is any way I can do something but this village is within miles of Badulla, terrible. The same exists in America, one does not have to go too far really. 
     If at the end of my time here, I haven't had my fantasy become a reality, if I still need it to, if I want to check out fantasy land, there are many ways to do it, and I can.  I can go to many countries in Africa as a short term volunteer, I can be on a list to go in emergencies, I can do many things.  Maybe I shall be happy to go home and not need to do it, maybe I shall go home and then go traveling again, maybe anything!  I am relieved to have identified what was happening inside me.  I really feel much better!

I made it!

     Well, I seem to have weathered the storm as "they" (who are they anyway?) say.  My mother used to say "they" are all wearing that, when I would ask how something looked on my chubby little body.  I never knew who "they" were but I hated them..anyway, I digress.  It seems my low mood was due to my coming to a grown up age, something I absolutely didn't want to do apparently but I made it thru Thursday then Friday and felt no more mature then I felt on Wednesday or last week..actually since I developed a pimple on my nose I felt a bit younger! The more I think about myself getting older, the more I can see how much the same I have always been.  I am pretty much the same person I was at age 5 or 6.  Nine trillion years of therapy, meditating, doing therapy, studying Buddhism, living life; I would still same I am a kind, sweet, good hearted person who is sometimes a real annoying pain in the ass!  I welcome comments of agreement or disagreement or anything you wish to say on the subject is fine.  My party was a success?  I don't know.  I tried to do it the absolute Sri Lankan way, almost.  I was told I had to have bananas rather then any other fruit, no tea could be served, no water was necessary and I should have lunch packets if it was at 12 noon.  My only deviation from this was to bring bottles of water and most people did not drink it. The things wrapped in newspaper are rice and curry.  Yes newspaper is used for wrapping lunch, wiping your a-s, wiping your hands etc. This is a developing country.  They cannot afford the paper products we so easily use and discard. Yes there I go, I was just on my soap box as a friend likes to tell me, part of being a pain in the butt, very annoying.  Anyway,  I totally screwed up by not individually going to each staff member and inviting them so two of the nurses did not come.  This was not good but hopefully now fixed.  The cultural and language differences sometimes feel like they are getting foggier rather then clearer.  No one said very much at the party.  I was instructed as to how to conduct it.  I encouraged people to take lunch and no one moved then the Consultant Psychiatrist said why didn't I cut the cake.  I said have dessert before lunch????  He said on special occasions, this is what they do so I cut the cake and gave it out with a banana to each person and that was good!  I brought music but no one responded.  After sitting around for a while it was whispered in my ear that the Minor (aide) staff would rather eat their lunch separately.  The nurses ended up doing the same. The comfort level is not there I think for the different catagories of staff to eat together.  However even though I said people should go and do as they wished, no one moved.  Then I was told there was a song at which point the staff sang a very beautiful song about Sri Lanka.  After that I gave a little speech since I couldn't think of a song to sing in that moment.  Then Dr. P. gave a speech about me then big, big surprise i was presented with a lovely picture by all the staff and a beautiful top from the nurses and Laxmi gave me a bracelet but it was in secret and I can't tell the others!  I was very touched but felt bad because they have so little and don't really celebrate their own birthdays, but you know, I'm 65 so fuck it, it's OK.

The Sri Lankan Ways

     I am working my way thru my little aging crisis but along the way more important things are being discovered like the proper arrangements for my birthday party.  I wanted a party where everyone was invited so no one felt left out and we could dance and have american food, drink and have an American good time.  Well that costs a lot.  So then I thought a party in my house but cutting down on who was invited, this led to secrecy and possible bad feelings, I am now at the place I didn't want to be, the place everyone is happy..a good old fashioned Sri Lankan party just like everyone else's with Short eats (shorties) which are like their version of appetizers (but they eat them for tea time and lunch sometimes ).  They are vegetable, egg, chicken or fish filled rolls, buns, rotti or many other varieties of fattening and hot (spicy) things.  Fruit, bananas are the usual, I may suggest something else but I will probably be overruled, tea and cake. That's it.  Everyone will sit around and eat, talk and then get up and leave and that will be that!  I have discovered however, that many people have never celebrated their birthdays at all.  They have no party, no gift, no acknowledgement even.  People here have always been too poor.  Their was no extra.  While I was in China, Laxmi had texted that it was her birthday.  When I came back and we talked about it she had never ever received one present on her birthday.  I gave her her first present. 
      Speaking of fruits which I started to before, this island has the most fascinating fruits and they are quite delicious or odd or horrible but different then anything I have tasted before.  There is Jambu which is red and odd and Rambutan which is red with spikes all over it but amazingly juicy and delicious, looks like a lychee inside but tastes much better, there are guavas which are nothing like what we know as a guava and other little brown things that require breaking thru the skin and sucking out this sweet/sour taste.  Then there is amberella which they use a lot for curry and mangosteens which have a purple hard shell and which are white, so yummy and sweet . There are these fruits called anoda or custard apple which are green outside and you eat the white pulp inside with a spoon, sooo delicious.  Then of course ubiquitous ripe jack fruit, the most useful vegetable in existence.  That's a few, there are others, some I have yet to try.  I am a creature of habit perhaps or perhaps I just know what I like, I tend to eat a fuju apple and pinapple pretty much every day.  The others are for fun.
     Have I talked about death notices?  When someone dies the notice is printed on a 81/2 by 11 inch white paper in black letters.  There are the dates of birth and death, the name, a picture and the rest is in Singhala so I can't say.  I had noticed signs like this posted all around and sometimes I stop and read them.  The other day when we were out on a home visit, we arrived at a place and I was told we were going to a funeral parlor for a nurse's husband's 90 something year old mother.  One of the nurses used to work with this nurse so we were there.  On entering, there where lots of people, we were moved toward the body which is totally draped in white (buddhist), she was lying on a double size bed type thing, also all white with a sort of canopy thing, also in white.  The body is in the middle, on soft, silky white billowy things.  It was all quite peaceful.  After paying our respects we were moved to a dining room area with just enough room for a large table surrounded by chairs.  Cookies are passed around 2 to 3 times.  After finishing the cookies a fruit drink is given.  Have I mentioned that people do not drink during eating times, it is always after.  My little rebellion with the staff is that I pour water when I am going to start eating and sometimes sip it while in the process of eating!  Anyway after that we were encouraged to go outside of the house where chairs were set up and people now sit there for some period of time.  While there I saw Nilantha's father (our wonderful SW).  We chatted a few minutes.  Later Nilantha told me he had already been there.  My point aside from describing the ritual is that Sri Lankans are very connected and see it as their responsibility to attend the funeral of their friend's husband's cousin's wife's brother..get my drift?  They know if a boy who is the son of the brother of a worker had appendicitis and will or won't be able to take his A level exams.  Everyone is family.
     This weekend I was invited to the AA meeting.  It was declared an open meeting because they wanted me to attend and the local Buddhist Priest as well.   There are now one or two very involved members who hopefully will try to keep the meeting going.  The AA people from Colombo are paying on their own to come and ride the 6 hours in the middle of the night on motorcycles to get there for Sunday morning!  I believe the Catholic Charities here called Caritas are going to give them some funding to keep them coming.  If any of you feel so inclined and want to help out, for $50 they can get the AA posters in Singhala and Tamil.  Right now only English is available which is useless in Badulla and (my fingers are crossed) in the future, useless on the tea estates.  Any contribution would be great.
     There are 2 more things to tell you.  My frustration with not knowing what is being said continues to be great but I handle it better.  Eventually someone will turn to me and fill me in, a little bit.  For me, ms. curious, ms. I want to know everything, this is so hard.  The worst of course is not being able to teach spontaneously, as something is happening.
     I had a long talk with Nilantha PSW the other day about many things.  He is the most curious about life all around the world, is the most knowledgeable about politics  and we often spend hours exchanging information.  He wanted to know about hotels and what they cost and if it is OK for Sri Lankans to eat with their hands in hotels in Sri Lanka and if you have to pay for the swimming pool if there is one.  People here do not stay in hotels, it's much too costly.  Nilantha for example makes 20000 LKR a month.  That is about $200 a month!  Anyway, I still hadn't gotten the toilet system down pat yet so he went thru a huge explanation and demonstration for me of toilet etiquette in Sri Lanka.
     I have saved the best for last, the greatest habit of the Sri Lankans..nose picking.  They don't blow their noses in public, they do some other little things but publicly people are always putting their fingers in there..Chinese do the same..I guess it's an Asian thing.

Getting old?

     Wow I am really having a hard time the last few days, maybe since I returned from China.  I am not sure; but today I sunk and felt so many bad feelings and started wondering what I shall do here for another ten months.  I think it is most related to my upcoming birthday which has put me into a state of disbelief.  I feel no older then 37, at the most..how could I be turning 65, it just doesn't feel possible, it feels shocking to me.  i am having thoughts of people disregarding me because I am old and life being short and all those horrible things.  It manifests in feeling I am useless here, disregarded and anyway I wanted to volunteer and feel I made a difference, i am thinking maybe I shall go change baby's diapers in an orphanage in Africa or take care of gorillas somewhere because that would be fun too!  I am realizing I have no real plan for a future life at home in the States..I am freaking out!!!!!  Anyway, that is what I was feeling all morning at work and was sure that Laxmi my buddy didn't even like me anymore (yes friends I know, I'm telling you it was a few hours slip).  Anyway, at some point I said to gloomy Laxmi, someone is really unhappy today, meaning her and being sure, being the narcisist I can be, that it was about something I had done. She and the other 2 nurses in the room surprised me by saying yes, something is wrong and finally Laxmi leaned forward and said, my husband got cross with me and I feel terrible. How many times do I have to have the same lesson DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY and DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS!!  It happened because I was feeling sad and bad and was more vulnerable and the lessons still continued.  I have been talking for months with the nurses, every time we go out on a home visit about writing a note about their observations in the charts, talking about community work and teams and continuity of care, blah, blah..no one listens and then today when I was talking to the nurse I am doing the home visits with tomorrow about it he said, yes we started last week writing in the patient's chart about how they are doing, what we are seeing.  
     Anyway, I am indeed starting to think about the future and it is pretty blank. I really miss my patients, that life of doing psychotherapy and I loved clinical teaching.  I miss Mari and wish for time back.  I wonder if I'll have sex again; if I shall love and be loved. I really feel there are many places to travel I have yet to see and feel quite capable of getting around.  Over the weekend I went hiking with another volunteer in a place called Haputale and in 24 hours we walked and climbed about 15 kilometers..pretty good.  There has also been a flurry of emails among my old Mt. Sinai classmates and I seem to be one of the few without any replaced parts!  

Travels

     Before I even left for China, I was having adventures in Colombo.  This is the text I sent to my colleagues in Badulla:  "Have just adopted a baby.." They did believe I had adopted a Chinese baby but no, I adopted an 6 week old Calico baby and of course named her Baby. She waited for me in Colombo while I went to China and came home with me this week.  But let's get to China, it was fabulous, I loved it.  It was so much more then I expected, friendly people (this surprised me because in other Asian places I have been, like Viet Name, I did not find the people particularly friendly), big developed, middle and upper class cities and more importantly, beauty especially in the countryside.  We flew all over and the scenery was stunning.  They have become huge consumers, like Americans and status seekers.  They are also losing traditions like taking care of parents so there is a law making people responsible for their own elderly.  Kids (teens and early 20s) are totally into themselves, how they look, what they own.  they have little awareness of being in a communist country or what their own parents and grandparents went thru. In other words they are like American kids and richer Sri Lankan kids in Colombo. 
     I started in Shanghai and spent a day at Expo which was terrific except for the American pavilion which was boring and minor compared to others.  The other thing that was truly upsetting was that the representative, introducing the films at the American Pavilion was Koby Bryant...the best of the USA I guess!  I had the opportunity on several occasions to do Tai Chi both in the park in Beijing and on the ship we sailed down the Yangtze river.  When I get thru editing my 1200 pictures, you will see a picture of me awkwardly doing it.  Anyway, it was terrific and I learned a lot about China and their now lack of love for Mao. Although I can see Asian similarities in Sri Lankans and Chinese, the major difference is that Chinese have terrible tempers which they display in public as they do their laundry which hangs outside their hi rise windows.  The first day I got there I saw several verbal arguments and something thrown at someone. Sri Lankans are gentle, non confrontative people. However the suicide rate is high in both countries although higher in Sri Lanka, highest in the district I live in. 
     The Chinese are into Feng Shui, horescopes (as are the Sri Lankans), acupuncture, acupressure, cupping, jade for health, gambling, liquor (as are the Sri Lankans), Tai Chi and Mahjong.  We visited the great wall of China, the Forbidden City, the terra Cotta soldiers, the summer palace 2 amazing groups of mountains down beautiful scenic rivers gorges, Hong Kong, beautiful countryside rice paddies, Tianamen Square  and so much more.
      The best part was my sister Roberta and my cousin Helene joining me there.  They suffered, it was hot and muggy but even worse, I know they didn't come to Sri Lanka because they never wanted to have to deal with a porcelain hole in the ground for a toilet, squatting is not their thing.  Well, it is an Asian thing so they had to stand in long lines frequently waiting for the only western toilet; when there wasn't one, Helene kept her legs crossed all day!  I am truly grateful that they joined me and felt sad at separating from them at the end of the trip.

Really?..a Cobra...

    Today Laxmi RN and Manikay RN where talking about Manikay leaving the house for work and a Cobra sitting on her welcome mat outside the house!  This was TMI for me..I didn't need to know about how many Cobras live around here.

     This morning I saw a couple, they are only in their twenties and have been married for 5 years.  She is a nursery school teacher who is suffering a serious depression with psychotic features.  Part of it is psychological but a good deal of it is this society.  She and her husband have been unable to conceive for which there are medical reasons.  She lives in a village where she is really harassed and taunted for not having a baby.  She is buckling under the pressure, now convinced people spit when she passes.  Many people have told me that in this society people do gossip about their neighbors viscously and would do exactly what she is describing.  I cannot tell you how difficult it is to have to deal with this stuff without speaking the language.  I did the session with Nilantha, SW, and it was quite tedious to get thru but more, the frustration for me in not knowing what is truly said and how is, well, frustrating!  This is probably the major issue of every day..not knowing what is said, not being able to make myself understood.

     Two babies have now been born to staff members and I have noticed how freely everyone breast feeds.  Walking onto the maternity ward, visiting someone anywhere, in a store, on the sidewalk, it is the norm and as a matter of fact it is the law apparently.  You feed your baby this way for 2 years minimum..just like the USA right where people get arrested for breast feeding in public!

     In the last 2 weeks, 8 patients have been seen who tried to kill themselves..most by poison, one by hanging. She is 18 yo and this was her 2nd attempt. One had Bipolar disorder but the rest.. a major issue in SL is the lack of talking.  It is against the norm to talk about feelings.  I think people become desperate about their situations and it grows enormous inside of themselves, they see no way out.  It is a huge societal problem along with alcoholism.  There are hardly any trained counselors but people are reluctant to see them anyway.  I am encouraging people to use their counseling skills if they have been trained or go get trained.  The doctors have had minimal training in counseling/therapy but have no time to spend with patients beyond dealing with medications.  

     The last few weeks I was sort of, bored, alone, feeling like there just would not be enough worthwhile for me to do here for another year.  I have no intention of leaving but I just felt useless.  One day out of the blue the nurses said " We like you."  I said "any reason in particular?"  They said "You are always smiling, you are gentle and kind to patients and to us,  you have a good heart."  Of course this made me feel great, how could it not.  However, at the same time a few days later, I arranged for some work to be done with the AA members coming all the way from Colombo to help us, and one of the social workers, not Nilantha, promised 3 times to come help.  He just never showed up..also typical of Sri Lankans many of whom are government employees with no sense of the importance of following thru or keeping a commitment. I felt awful about it and was really pissed.  The point is one event was wonderful and took me out of my doldrums, the other was terrible and had me obsessing about what to do to this person for a few hours...but all that is about other people, not me..I need to work on Equanimity, I think what I mean is, if I was just being inside myself I would roll with the kisses and the punches, it would all be the same because inside of me would be the same.  This is not new information but I saw it so plainly over the last few days.  

     None the less, I did get over my few low days.  We got wonderful news that one of our nursing staff would be trained to become a Community Mental Health Nurse which means they really hope to create change in this archaic system.  I was so excited, of course I had a hand in choosing the nurse, helping her apply, I practically ripped the phone out of her hands when she was consulting with her husband before hearing the yes!  These moments of joy help me. 

     Speaking of Joy, I am off for vacation until July 20.  I am meeting  my sister Bobbie and cousin Helene in China.  I am very excited and particularly to see them. I am sending you all kisses.

      

     

The Nurses Have Never Danced..

The nurses have never danced, never drank alcohol, even a taste.  It is a very conservative society but they will bluntly say things like your fat; boys will ask for money, which I hate; the staff ask me when I am giving them a party with American food!  I said I'd give a party for my big birthday coming up in August, they said no it should be much before that! I told them everyone will have to dance at my party and I told Laxmi RN she will come to my house and we will put on rock and roll and dance, then I demonstrated how dancing is meditation, you just listen to the music and your body starts to sway, she blushed.  Some of the other nurses think this is hysterical and now when we see each other we start to dance..speaking of hysterical, some of you may remember my laugh which is .. robust..well Ancy has told me not to laugh out loud. In Asia, people don't do that it disrupts other people...so yes that is hysterical..I laughed a lot over that one. 

    When I was leaving Laxmi the other day to go to Colombo for a week, I felt such a rush of warm, loving feeling for her I said, "I feel like hugging you".  She leaned back with a look of horror on her face and said "no, please we don't do that in our culture!"  I asked some others and they agreed but then I noticed that some of the nurses did hug me and I realized Laxmi is a very inhibited person but gets great joy out of watching me.  Yesterday a patient kept referring to me affectionately as white, she kept saying a word, I repeated the word, everyone laughed.  Then they said the word, I said it again, laughing.  When I was alone with the nurses they said the word I was saying was a naughty word.  So the word for white has a "d", the same word with a "t" is a naughty word for vagina and the word with "tha" is a penis.  So I repeated all this to Laxmi and as I did I pointed to my "you know what".g I thought she would faint but she couldn't stop laughing.  You can imagine the amount of ridicule I go through because of my inability to hear this language correctly and to not understand very much.  Fortunately, people with a sense of humor are international. The staff find it very funny also that I am frequently making lists, jotting things down, they write nothing down which is probably why things aren't remembered and followed through on.  But Nilantha SW noticed, asked why, listened and went out and got himself a notebook to write down things he needs to remember..ah, an OC in the making! 

I was very concerned over not being around  the  Sunday morning of the first AA meeting but the nurses wanted me to stop worrying and calm down..they said "it's a good program, we will help you"..I almost fell over..that is a first..that is capacity building in action and guess what? Ms. control freak here was having trouble trusting that it would all really get taken care of (of course this is Sri Lanka and I have yet to have regularly scheduled meetings with the staff so....). When I got back I found out that the nurses had gone to the meeting and taken everyone's name to register them for the new Alcoholics Anonymous Clinic!  I almost had apoplexy.  I had explained over and over about anonymity and that we were only using the space, it is not a hospital program etc.  Finally after the charge nurse said that the nurse has to be there because they were responsible for the inventory of the place (!!), we got our new Consultant to write a letter to the new Director about the situation and it's hopefully OK.  The charge nurse now will not be responsible if a pencil is missing and all are relieved.

I've been noticing how competitive I am. I always denied I was competitive but I am very competitive. I also really like being liked and I like feeling respected.  I can't avoid seeing myself here.

   Through my interest in the tea estates and AA, I have formed alliances with several priests and nuns here.  They are real Christians, they give heart and soul and really give to the people in a very loving way. I also have formed closer relationships with a couple, muslims who tend to have a more worldly view and more education.  Rumaisa, the woman in the couple also dresses as an obvious muslim woman.  I had a long talk with her about it and it is she in the couple who insists on being covered although she doesn't wear a veil over her face.  2 of her sisters do.  She gave up work when she got married (arranged marriage) and will not go out alone. She is 31 years old. Her father is very liberal, upset that his daughters essentially gave up their freedom and wishes my friend would learn from me.  He wants to meet me.

    Several weeks ago was International Nurses Day. I was invited to the ceremony and all the nurses and students where there and the new director of the hospital who I know because he used to have a different job and I would go and meet with him.  So here I was at this ceremony and then I was asked to light a wick of oil for the Buddha which is an honor. (there is no separation of church and state here so everything has a monk present and Buddhist rituals and the rest of the population just have to bare it.)  Then I saw the whole thing is dedicated to Florence Nightingale who died one hundred years ago (who knew?).  They had pictures of her and put flowers on her picture like a necklace and put flowers on the alter in front of her and then they asked me to speak!  I have no idea what I said or why I was up there except my opening joke went nowhere so I have no idea if anyone even understood me.

     I have learned the way to get things done is to not talk directly to people about what I need or want, work behind the scenes and let other people work their magic making sure my name not associated..
     This is finally the week that we put on the teaching series for the tea estate health workers.  My hours went very well and I promised to make them fun.  I think they were.  I however, didn't feel competent to be telling these people anything.  We talked a lot about the stress for them and the people who work on the tea plantations.  It is terrible.  It actually sounds like slavery in the 1860s.The bosses care only about production.  The conditions are terrible, the pay is terrible, the education and health care are terrible, the people spend their money on alcohol, they send their kids to work instead of school, women drink a lot of poison...I taught relaxation techniques...yes I did do more then that but that's how inadequate compared to the hugeness of the problem it felt.

     Teeth are an interesting subject. About half the Sri Lankan people have beautiful teeth, the others VERY buck teeth.  Teeth that fall out are not replaced. I have seen only a few people with braces which are just being introduced here, probably because of the cost.  The other problem is that many people chew beetle nuts and tobacco, making their teeth orange and rot.. 
      The issue of cost and available supplies, I haven't talked about much but this is not first world, people are still surprised when I say I am scrubbing my towels in a bucket or they don't have things like pepper grinders here that we take for granted. After going to many stores looking for a pepper grinder I was told to go to the grinding mill where they do it for you or to use a mortar and pestle to grind my pepper corns.
     I have so much control of my bladder now I can go for hours without using a toilet.  No one seems to use them and I can't find them!  Buses don't have them, so as my friend Samanta RN says: "what to do?" Finally I have to say I feel so young, I cannot believe I am my age.  people here retire at 57!  I am blown away because I feel like I am a contemporary of the doctors and Ancy who are in their 30s..of course I never grew up really..

Wesak

     This is not the blog I planned to post, I am working on another one but in the "being in the moment" place, Sunday started such a joyful week, I had to share it. (I do want to say at the outset though that I know the tenses don't all work in this blog because I wrote it over a time and then it was the past and the future and I got confused, please do forgive).
 Along my road, stands went up making these bamboo frames which then got covered with crepe paper.  It was all beautiful and it turns out these are lanterns that Thursday and Friday will be hanging all over town and illuminated to celebrate the birth, enlightenment and death of the Buddha.  This is celebrated on the Poya (full moon) in May and is called Wesak or Vesak.  Each day has been a treat.  Quite accidentally when I went to the post office Tuesday morning rather then straight to work, I ran into a Perahera, a parade of dancing school children, wearing costumes, led by an elephant and walking and dancing barefoot to the Buddhist temple, some distance away.  I've told you before that in Sri Lanka people celebrate everyone's holidays and get time off for them.  The support staff at the hospital have worked hard all week making lanterns which will be lit on Thursday night on the ward.  I of course intend to be there.  I am going to join one of the nurses and her family to watch a big Perahara and see the beautifully lit up town.  What is unfortunate still in Sri Lanka is that there is an assumption like the US with Christmas that it is everyone's holiday.  I haven't seen this much attention paid to the holidays of the other groups.  This is part of the bad feelings of the Tamil people who still feel very left out in their own country.  Correction to me:  it turns out that there is a big Tamil parade which takes place on the same day.  I saw it in the evening as it turns out.

   Part of the tradition of the day, aside from going to temple, is to give out free food and drinks.  I had been told of this so I went out in ther morning in search of food.  I started at the temple and paid my respects to the Buddha. The first thing I encountered was an elephant with a man carrying a baby around and under it several times.  Apparently this is some kind of Asian good luck thing because people where handing over their babies to this man. People are very interested in me and having their photos taken so I took many.  At the temple are thousands of people in white who bring their lunch and other necessities and settle in for the day sitting on the ground worshipping the Buddha.  For some reason, maybe because I am caucasian but I think because people here are so hospitable and I am clearly different, I was allowed to cut lines all over the place and get into the main shrine sometimes pushed and shoved along, another Sri Lankan tradition, in front of huge lines of people and no one says a peep.  These are the most patient people anywhere..if it were me at home I would be grumbling, who is that, why is SHE getting special treatment, blah, blah..

Anyway, after that, I wandered around town, looking for all this free food, I kept encountering free liquids of different types.  The only one I recognized was tea and jaggery (like maple candy), the others I have no idea.  I came to free food but there where dozens of people waiting to get into this little storefront so I didn't wait,  then I came upon free king coconuts to drink the water in it.  I usually don't like it although it is amazingly helpful if you are dehydrated and a real thirst quencher.  This time, I loved it but the thing is, again dozens of people where lined up but when the people handing them out, saw me, I was brought one!  Later another man tried to give me another one.   By now of course, I was starving because I hadn't eaten anything in anticipation of getting all this free food.  I thought I'd end up going to my favorite little spot where I get rice and curry at lunch (good I didn't wait, it was closed), I then passed my little local stores and I see hundreds of people lined up around the block and I know this means food.  I know it was wrong, I know I am supposed to feel guilty, I know I should go to the back of the line, I went right to the front with my camera and asked what was going on?  As soon as they saw me, I don't think anyone was knowing english, I was pushed right thru and told to follow a man and passed another group of a smaller line who had made it this far, and I am taken to the food table and a plate of rice and curry was prepared for me..another man seeing me, tried to make me a plate and I had to keep trying to expain that one was being prepared already.  Not only did I not feel any compunction about doing this I am sorry to say, but everyone in the line, smiled at me and shook their heads and wanted to know 2 things, did I like the food and would I take pictures of them and or their children!  It was a great time.
     Thursday night I went to the ward to see it and the hospital lanterns lit.  Many of the patients were involved in lighting the little oil lamps that are placed everywhere.  I of course was fretting about not giving patients matches and the dangers but this is Sri Lanka, patients don't do things like that here.  It was a lovely ritual and then the crepe paper lanterns were lit all over.  I was taken throughout the hospital to see the other lanterns.  Each unit makes their own.  Very impressive.  Then Roshanie, one of the nurses, her husband, 2 children and I went to town seeing the lanterns along the way (it's like our Christmas really).  Before we left the unit the staff told Roshanie to make sure she took care of me in the big city crowds!  I loved it. Townh was of course mobbed.  There were carnivals and children's activities telling the story of the Buddha.  What kept striking me is how much they make the Buddha look like Christ with a sort of halo thing around his head.  Did I mention that my tuk tuk driver had gotten me started on unusual postcards of the Buddha this week so of course by now I have collected dozens of them.  So many are like adoring Christ the baby and adult.  Don't ask what I shall do with these cards, no idea but I have to collect something don't I?
I was very happy to be with the family because aside from being fond of them, I would never have know where the free snacks were!  First we got ice cream, then we got an Orange type drink ending with these spiced chick pea things.  Quite a satisfying dinner for me!  We saw the Tamil Parade then we went to where the Perahera would be held.  It is quite a long route which of course was already mobbed with people like a parade route anywhere in the world.  We had to wait unfortunately almost 2 hours for it to start and I must say I found it a bit  disappointing after the build up but I am glad I went.  There were 12 dressed up elephants but I just feel so sorry for them because they have to walk this entire route wearing their own chains.  The big deal here is Kandyan music and dance.  It can be a school major.  I find it so interesting how feminine it is for the men who move their arms like women ballet dancers.  The first time I saw it I thought the men where particularly gay.  I have probably mentioned that in this country men are very affectionate with each other, hold hands, walk arm in arm, more then women.  The other thing I found so un-modern was that the parade is lit by men who carry these long polls with a rod iron basket filled with lit coals.  As they walk, the coconut oil that is used to light the coals drips hot oil out of the basket.  Of course, no one was slightly concerned but me.
Anyway, The real deal Perahara is in August in Kandy.  It is world famous and I have already booked a hotel and seats!  I am totally overindulging for my birthday!

WOMAN IN THE DUNES

     Many years ago I saw, what became, one of my favorite films.  It is Japanese, slow and I thought it very existential at the time.  There was something horrible yet wonderful about what happened to this person in the film.  In the last few weeks, so much has happened.  I attended for free, a 4 day silent meditation retreat at this beautiful resort ($485 per night) on the south coast of Sri Lanka. Ironically this was a town devistated by the Tsunami.   I went to work, I advised the nursing staff about various things like jotting down in the ticket (chart)! when a patient tries to hurt themselves or others. I actually, with the great help of my sister volunteer, got 15 Alcoholic Anonymous members here from Colombo, 7 hours away.  We got them transportation, sleeping accommodations, food, a 4 hour meeting attended by most of the staff as well as our new Consulting Psychiatrist who has finally arrived and quite a few Alcohol patients and their partners who mostly stayed through the entire meeting and want to continue!  We even served everyone tea in china cups.  I feel hugely gratified by this.  The AA people will take turns coming back one time a week until a meeting gets fully established here.  It is truly a service organization.  I think I have mentioned the huge alcohol, spousal abuse and suicide rate here connected to alcoholism.  If this takes off it will be a start in changing the problem. (yes I am ashamed to say I am bragging a little..so full of ego am I!)  I finally found a translator and he arrived the first time on Monday afternoon for us to find no available staff that day for us to meet with..this is the Sri Lankan way like ordering breakfast to be delivered by 7:30AM for the AA people and at 7:50 it is just getting loaded into the tuktuk to be taken and then despite assuring me (thru a translator) he knew where the hotel was, getting lost and arriving half an hour later at the hotel (of course calling in between to tell me no one was there..wherever he was!)  As one of the doctors told me, this is the Sri Lankan way.  If I don't learn patience here, I am hopeless!  
     With each event or activity that occurs here, I always find that at home awaiting me is laundry to wash, a house to clean, ironing to be done, food to be shopped for and prepared, a body to be washed, teeth to be brushed...It struck me so clearly one morning that no matter where I am or what I am getting done or not, life is the same whether I am in NY or Badulla. 
  Moment to moment events may or may not be different, but what changes the moment is being in it, just being where I am.. What I love about Woman In The Dunes is that slavery becomes freedom for this person. Of course I am not condoning slavery to learn how to free ourselves but I do think that any moment can be anything depending on how we allow ourselves to experience it.
     Now this does not preclude the fact that 5 members of the psychiatric staff are pregnant or partners of pregnancy so it leads me to think a lot about how much "fun" everyone else besides me, is having these days!

Problems and lessons

     I have a problem, I can't throw out my garbage today.  My landladies (thought that would be a change from landlords), go thru my garbage!  No matter what I try to hide in there, they go thru the peals and crap and find stuff.  I know this because I had some bad cheese one day and threw it out and  Rajapaksha came to me and said don't throw away food, give it to us.  The dog got it!  He was upset.  Ancy has since told me they go thru everything.  So it wouldn't be a problem except that I don't like all the sweets they gave me and want to get rid of them.  I can't give them away because everyone has tons of sweets because of the New Year.  Another problem I am having is itches and rashes.  I am not afraid of much in the way of animals or bugs except for 2 things, head lice and bed bugs.  We had patients with head lice and I went out and bought combs for the staff to use on them but it left me uneasy.  You know how when you sweat and the sweat dries, you might feel itchy on your body or your head, well this is happening and I am also getting mosquito bites and other little bites as well as teeny little ants that appear on my body somehow this season..I am now fearful that all this itching is head lice and bed bugs and I am freaked out.  Of course, I do have bites and a rash on both arms but there is no evidence of either dreaded infestation on my person or in my bed. I am washing everything that goes on my bed today though.
     I think I have mentioned that one of the things I am attempting to do is get AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) here to Badulla and then to the Tea Estates where there is a high incidence of alcoholism, spousal abuse and suicide.  So a date was set, arrangements were vin the works, calendars adjusted and then Nilantha, one of my favorite, best social workers ever, told me that with the New Year and the amount of time he won't be around, he couldn't get it all done by the date selected.  I was annoyed. He, like many Sri Lankans I think, don't like to say no or don't think ahead, it was obvious that this would be a problem, even I knew but let the planning go on.  I hated being annoyed with him but it was terrible telling all these AA people that they had to reschedule their work again.  Hopefully people will learn from this and it will happen two weeks later. I am not sure that one thing has happened here that has not had to be rescheduled.
     Because of the date being changed however, I could apply to be invited for free to a meditation retreat happening at this luxury resort in Galle.  There were 2 open spots for those on the email list for a meditation center in Colombo.  I put my name on the list a while ago in the hopes that I could meditate with them when I go to Colombo.  Anyway, I had not applied for the retreat because the AA group was happening.  I then applied,  too many people for spots of course and the question came can you stay thru Monday noontime.  Staying thru Monday noontime means I cannot be back by 2:30PM that day when I have finally scheduled a translator (yeah) to spend an hour working with me the support staff .  What to do...Well I said I could stay, I have been accepted to the retreat and will start the translator and the sessions one week later.  However, though not quite the same as what happened with AA being rescheduled, it is close enough to make me pretty Sri Lankan!

The Avuruddha

Okay, this is it, I have only enough for one more cup of American coffee left.  This will be the true test of whether I have acclimated to this country.  Actually, I drink one cup of coffee in the morning and then about 11am really enjoy a cup of tea with the staff sometimes again about 4:30pm.

     Today is a huge holiday here, although I must say there are many, many holidays here.  This is Sinhala and Tamil New Year or The Avuruddha. It essentially celebrates the end of the harvest. Basically pretty much 3/4 of the country seems to stop working and go home or to visit family.  Nothing much happens, post office stops functioning, stores close, restaurants close, for a week or more.  The actually holiday is one day but there is the preparation leading up to the holiday and then the stuff that happens the day after the holiday and then the traveling back from family and so forth.  so basically from this past Monday until next Monday or Tuesday, nothing goes on.  Actually since last Thursday was election day the holiday seems to have started then.  Patients of course need to be taken care of but many were discharged so they could vote and then be home for the New Year so the ward is very quiet and of course staff are not on full capacity.

     So, what happens actually on this holiday?  Well what I am gathering is that it is sort of like Passover or Jewish New Year.  The entire house is cleaned top to bottom, new things for the home are purchased, new clothing is bought for the whole family.  Certain foods that are significant, especially milk products like milk rice or Kiribath which celebrates the harvest of the rice, are prepared.  Tons of sweets of various forms are made and lots of bananas are eaten.  So all this preparing goes on until a certain hour on the day before the holiday, in this case the about 11pm on the 13th.  At that point the fire of the stove must be extinguished and the stove cleaned and it is relit the following day at a time determined by the astrologers.  No food is eaten in between this time either and no work is performed, it is a time of quiet and reflection.  Then in this case at 9am this morning, the stove is lit, milk is boiled over on it to celebrate prosperity and health and everyone eats all day!  Very loud firecrackers are set off all over, I can attest to that since it has been happening for several days now!  Also money is passed between parents and children and children and parents as a sign of respect and prosperity in the coming year, I believe.  It is truly a family holiday, people go to their parents wherever they are as much as possible.  (Interestingly enough, Christians and Muslims do not celebrate this holiday but do benefit from the days off from work.  Yes the country is really, really divided between 4 religions, Sinhala people being Buddhist and Tamils being Hindus.)   The day after the holiday, there are still rituals with oil being placed on the head and certain kind of bathing. Anyway, I was hoping someone would invite me to their home to witness this ritual and as it turns out I am invited to Laxmi's home for lunch today.  She is one of the nurses I have written about.  I have unfortunately been benefiting from the holiday all week because people have been "baking" and making milk toffee for days. Staff have brought it to work and yesterday, my landlady brought up an entire tray of about 6 or 7 different treats for me.  Pretty much everything made here is deep fried like oil cakes and things like funnel cakes.  There cholesterol numbers are high as you can imagine.  Outside my window at this very moment the firecrackers are going crazy, it is just past 9AM, the time the eating can begin!  I think I'll go have breakfast.

work and other stuff

     I wish you could here the sounds coming from outside right now.  Each morning there is a moslem call to prayer at about 5AM or so.  Well right now it sounds like a bunch of guys trying to be a sort of Moslem barbershop quartet singing like the morning but in harmony, in my neighbors yard.
     There is not a lot going on at work because we still do not have a consultant Psychiatrist so right now we are screwed.  They took one of our doctors because they can and we have no one to fight for us. This is the system, we can't do ECT or keep aggressive patients so we have less than 20 patients right now.  We did write a letter to the Minister of Health who is from Badulla and I think is also the brother in law of the president or something like that, telling him how desperate we are, and how bad it is for patients who have to go far away from home for treatment. It has given me more time though to sort of just hang out with the staff.  Before I came I was told that there was a great hierarchy here between each level of staff. So far that is not actually what I am seeing, with a couple of horrifying exceptions, I find most of the staff to be pretty respectful of each other.  Staff are made up of 4 Medical Officers (doctors), 8 RNs, 2 Social Workers who actually aren't master's level yet but we are working on it, an OT and 10 Support staff who are called Minor staff which I hate of course.  The doctors aren't separate really, don't seem to expect particularly different treatment, know everyone.  That's not to say doctors don't get different treatment because they do.  The other day I went to another hospital with Dr. S. to see what other clinics are like and we go in this leather seated, plush car.  When the nurses go on home visits, we are lucky if we get a trishaw or an ambulance.  Nevertheless,  in some ways it's less hierarchical  then in the states.  People don't seem to value themselves as so much better because of their work.  Now there is probably a greater difference in thinking about roles between the Sinhala people and the Tamils and within castes in the tamil population which is just as crazy.  Anyway, I am feeling very fond of a lot of the staff.  The other day I fell ill, I'm OK, I think it was something I ate but the doctors and nurses were so sweet, several doctors came over to my home to visit and one of the nurses has been checking in.  The other thing that happened which is most disturbing is the theft of 2 signs I had had written to put up for the new support staff but really for all the staff.  I had one sign made in Sinhala and one in Tamil although that one hadn't been put up yet, I was working on convincing the nurse in charge that both needed to be there.  The sign said in essence:  Treat people with dignity, respect, equality and as you would a loved one.  One day, last week the sign was removed from the wall.  It disappeared.  All the staff were very upset about it and a few days later, the Tamil sign which was sitting there also disappeared.  The nurses got together and talked about it, the doctors and social workers, it was as if it was an affront to all of us.  Our social worker and his father spent one night trying to translate my english into sinhala and then Dr. S. worked on it and got another sign made.  I don't think that would happen in the US.
     The  Lankans love holidays or they love days off work so in these three weeks or so they take off for Good Friday, Easter, Tamil New Year, Sinhalese New Year, Poya (Buddhist) Day and more!  The New Year time is very special, sort of like Passover.  They clean their houses thoroughly, clean out the stoves, buy special ingredients, wash in a particular way and put on oils, cook and eat and visit parents but it is all determined to the minute by the astrologers who tell them when to do what on which day.  
     Oh I almost forgot, big, big news, literally around the corner from me they are putting up a resort/hotel with a restaurant and a pastry shop.  They actually have wonderful food, the rooms are beautiful, Ancy and I are in shock, this is Badulla.  Some rooms actually have AC and hot water!  They are around $20 a room.  It's a real restaurant, yippee. We had breakfast Saturday morning, she had dinner Friday eve.  Aside from that, I have now located wonderful hotels on beautiful tea estates, people could actually come to Sri Lanka and hardly ever have to pee in a hole in the ground! 
     Speaking of Ancy, I am on the lookout for a baby maker for her. She is 37 years old and really wants a baby, she'll take a husband but really wants a baby so now all the staff are talking about who they know that could make good babies! 

Capacity Building

h       When I was in Colombo at our mental health meetings last week, it became clearer to me what we are here for.  We are supposed to be capacity building, helping the staff here build their capacity to deal with patients, the system, the community in a more client centered way.  I have been approached by several staff of different disciplines asking many questions and wanting to learn from me.  My approach has been a more mentoring one which I think is best.  I have informed staff that I am ready and available to meet with them as groups regularly and they need to approach the powers that be to make that happen.  I have stopped asking to set up meetings that don't happen. 
      It is interesting though, this capacity building idea because I realized that it is a skill I myself am not great at and I think has gotten me in emotional trouble throughout my life.  Last week a friend asked to join me and Lieve to go to Nuwara Eliya next week.  We said sure and then I said, I'll call the hotel and try to get a room etc.  Lieve asked why I didn't give Nadia, our friend the name and number of the place and let her call and get the information herself!  Now isn't that interesting that that never occurred to me? Duh as they say.   This makes perfect sense and is capacity building for Nadia but for me too!  When I was in therapy with wonderful Betty she used to ask me why I did certain favors for Mari and I would say because I can, the place is close to my work etc.  I never understood what she meant, what was the big deal.  I get it now.  In a way it is operating from the self out with the idea of assisting others but not taking over for them. Everyone get's taken care of that way with no resentment.
     In a way, I am learning to take responsibility for myself this week as I prepare for these 4 hours of presentations I have to do for the health workers on the tea estates.  I have gathered information from many people, it is great but not quite what I need, I have to prepare it, I have to present it.  I am a person who doesn't always know what she thinks until she starts to talk.  I am sure what I say is based on knowledge and ideas I have had but I really don't have a lot of experience preparing an actual lecture or workshop.   Well no one is doing this for me, I am being forced to capacity build, I think this is one of the reasons I am here for, the next step in my maturity as a person, taking full responsibility for my own capacities or lack of! 
     How ironic, I just got an email that said, "    "Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others"  The Buddha

My new favorite Priest

  So, the trip by bus was so horrible going to Colombo this time that I decided I would take the long train trip home, at least the scenery is beautiful (til I did it again..ugh 12 hours!). I asked Evelyn, the secretary at VSO to call the train station for me and make a reservation.  This is how others have done it.  When she called she was told now I must go to the station and buy my ticket.  So late in the afternoon, I jumped into a tuk tuk and took the 300rupee trip (almost $3..a lot) to the station.  When I arrived there and figured out where to buy a ticket for the reserved train, different place then unreserved, I am told that tickets can only be purchased between 6am and 2pm daily.  This is very typical for here, not being told more then you ask.  Don't forget that Evelyn called and spoke Sinhala.  Anyway, I was a bit annoyed but.. hey..so I went outside and decided to take the bus back because I was not spending that kind of money on a tuk tuk.  So I went back into the station and asked the man were I get the bus.  He told me and then happened to mention that I could see what trains still had reservations available by turning around and looking at this huge board.  It turned out that for the entire weekend, there was only one train left having seats so I knew I had better get to the station early the next morning.
In the meanwhile I have 2 plans I needed to get back across town for, so I jumped on the bus in the Fort area where the train station is and a few blocks along my phone rang.  It is Father Patrick, my friend that I was meeting that eve. for dinner.  He said, can you come to the Fort,  there is an AA meeting happening now and they would like to meet you.  (this is about Patrick helping me to find people to start an AA meeting in Badulla where we have terrible alcohol/spousal abuse problems).  Of course this was amazing because I was in the Fort which I never am, so I jumped off the bus, never paid, and walked back to this Catholic building I didn't know existed and went to an AA meeting.  After the meeting Patrick said he will be another hour he was giving a lecture.  The lecture was in English so of course I asked to sit in.  Patrick is the head of the counseling service for families in this area (he is an analyst as well as a priest). The church gives a 6 month very extensive course to volunteers from the community in how to counsel  couples and families.  He said "you can sit in, better you can give a lecture on mental illness and how to deal with couples with an ill member" and proceeded to introduce me!  Needless to say, I had to stand up and do something so I talked for about an hour.  I did explain mental illness but I also told them about what I thought was important for them to know about doing couples therapy.  Interestingly, most of the questions were about how to handle mentally disturbed children, in the family, classroom, in general.  They have little treatment available for children and many of these volunteers are school teachers who have to handle the children and families.  Sex was actually a big issue.
Anyway, after that it was already 8:30pm and Patrick suggested we eat upstairs where there is a priests' residence.  After the shock of being allowed even invited into this holy place, I said yes.  I wish I had had a tape recorder.  I  had one of the most fun and funniest evenings I can remember.  There were 4 priests.  2 were quieter but very pleasant and welcoming.  Patrick is delightful and lively and has lived in NYC, he is a wonderful connecting bridge for me between the two cultures since he is Sri Lankan.  The 4th priest was Father Peter.  He has a very dry, humorous wit and we hit it off immediately.  I talked with him about everything and he with me.  We laughed and teased each other like crazy, he now tells me I better not die in SL because I haven't told him what to do with me and after all he is a priest.  (Today he said he'd give my body to science if I insisted on dying here).  He told riotous stories about living in Texas and the bible wielding holier than thou people.  We talked about gays and lesbians in SL and mostly he validated so many thoughts I have had about this government and even buddhist monks here.  We talked about my ticket dilemma too and he offered to go in the morning and bring me the ticket and he really did show up at VSO at 4pm the next afternoon, ticket in hand.
     When I had gotten on the bus to go to Colombo there was a very lovely moslem couple,  who where from Badulla but had lived in the middle east.  I knew they were moslems because she wore a head scarf. There names are Rumaiza and Siraj. We talked a lot, we shared food and we all said we would like meet in Badulla.  Yesterday they called and invited me to dinner.  I have spoken to Peter who will be nearby in April, this too is typical of Sri Lanka,  I truly have 3 new friends.