Hard decisions

     November 19th began the hardest time I have had here.  My sister Roberta called me.  It was late afternoon here but early morning in Boston.  She told me that my cousin and friend, Stephen had had a massive heart attack and died on the spot in his gym the evening before.  This is a guy I really loved and his wife is one of my best friends.  The agony of not being able to make it to the funeral and the decision to stay put for now was so difficult.  To not be there for Lyn, to not be there for my 92 year old aunt, to not be there for my sisters was a foreign concept.  We have a very loyal family bond.  A friend here suggested I write something about him and I did.  
     This loss and Thanksgiving have brought up to me how much culture has to do with who we are.  I am so American and miss my connections with Americans.  Having a shared understanding is so much greater thayn language.  I may complain about America and I am very upset with the way things are going there, but I can say that.  Here you can't really say that, it is not OK to be too critical.  I can also see what a difference it makes to have separation of church and state which does not exist here either.
     A funny story though about culture and language, nothing I haven't said before but I just have to laugh now rather then getting annoyed or puzzled.  I got in a trishaw (or tuktuk or 3 wheeler..all the same), and told the man where I was going.  He spoke very good english. He said: "We are on Ward Place, Cotta Road is the same".  I said: "yes, exactly, just continue onto Cotta Road and we shall come to it".  Of course when we came to Cotta Road which veered to the left, he started to veer to the right!  I said: "no, no, left" and he said: "Oh, Cotta Road?"
     I am feeling so much happier then I was for a few months.  Once again I see how much it isn't the place, the people, the circumstances, it's my mind that makes life good or bad, happy or sad, fulfilling or empty.  I felt that I couldn't tolerate staying; I was depressed.  I feel like I was having a giant, resistant to change, temper tantrum against myself.   Now I don't want to leave without doing what I hoped I would.  Now after spending some time in the early mornings thinking about what I wanted to accomplish, what would be acceptable, how to get things done without doing things I really didn't want to and being OK with that, who would help, how to make it a capacity building experience and sustainable..after figuring that out as best I could, I feel good.  I am a bit anxious and wake up with lists in my head of things to do each day.  I don't mean to imply that I am not worried about it all not happening, especially when I am not around for 3 weeks at a time over the next few months to nudge people.  I am very worried.  That probably means I am too invested in what I accomplish.  It is proof of how much me is involved.  However, it gives me more to work on in myself! By the way, I do check with people if I am being a nudge, if I am annoying, if they want me to stop asking for their involvement.  I keep being told that no, they like it, it's OK, it shows I care for them..that is a nice thing about being in this culture.  They GROK me!
     Speaking of groking me.  In the last few weeks I decided to first reread Pride and Prejudice which I loved, and miss, now that it is over.  The other book I decided to reread from my pot smoking, war protesting, sex filled days (LOL, don't I wish), was Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert Heinlein.  This book was the bible of the 60s.  Well so far I recognize not a word in my memory.  Although I find the book dated, like the terms used to describe women, calling women girls, descriptions of things; the issues are contemporary and as old as creation.  Crooked politicians, religious hate mongers and the whole issue of how many sides there can be to the same issue like cannibalism for example.  We may think it is terrible but a Martian sees it as a beautiful ritual..it's about the difference between a closed and an open mind and heart too.  I think since the beginning of time, little has really improved in terms of attitudes towards others!  War continues, hate continues, slavery continues, greed continues on and on.  Fortunately love and gratitude and generosity also continues. 
     One last note, I was thrilled and surprised at being on the list of the 50 best volunteer blogs around the world. I must say I am very proud of myself and appreciate how many people took a moment to send me congratulations.  kisses to all