The perfect meal

     Okay, I have returned to the perfect meal and I am basically living on it..Tuna Melts!  It has everything one could need, protein, vegetables, calcium, complex carbs..everything and no fat (I do not use mayonnaise, I use limes instead).  Okay yes the veggies are onions and sliced tomato, the calcium is this low fat sliced fake cheese stuff, but it's alright.  It is a hassle that I have to prepare the tuna but what to do..I have to do a little cooking!  I think my landlady has looked in my fridge because she has offered me lunch or dinner twice in the last 3 weeks.
     The longer I am here the more confused about the Sri Lankans I become.  They have been rated number 7 on the list of  the happiest people in the world and number 8 in people who kill themselves!   As I have previously said, each week we see so many people, men and women, teens, young adults, taking poison (very readily available in the supermarket), trying to hang themselves.  It's almost routine here!  The other day we were asked to evaluate a young woman who is pregnant, who is very sad because her husband committed suicide recently.  Most Sri Lankans have never even tasted liquor, especially the women.  However the alcoholism rate is thru the roof.  The majority of Sri Lankans are Buddhists yet the judgements and gossip are constant.  People are very aware of what others do, how they do it, how they dress, what woman dares to put on pants etc.  They are fascinated by my jewelry, rings, especially bracelets. (not that Americans are much different).
     I can't remember if I have described bus taking here.  I have opted to take buses over trains because the trains are so interminably long and slow, I feel I could go nuts.  The buses are only reservable on the night one to and from Colombo which is wonderful.  Otherwise you just show up.  I have learned never to take a seat on the first right hand seats because if a Buddhist priest gets on, even if he is 5 years old, he get's the seat.  On the left you do run the risk of a handicapped person needing the seat.  I got fooled the other day because I took the non handicapped seat on the left, front but a Buddhist kid got on and the 2 seats on the right where already occupied by the priests so a bunch of hands sort of picked me up and moved me to the seat behind and someone else gave up their seat.  The thing I then discover which is really nice really is that several people put their packages, purses etc on your lap to hold since they are standing.  The buses cost nothing, literally going 4 to 7 hours away costs between $2 and $4.  There is a government bus, red, and private buses, usually white.  They are in competition with each other so they refuse no one.  Imagine being a sardine in a can with oil around you.  As the bus moves from place to place they pack in more sardines so that the red or white tin starts leaking the oil and it's just sardines rubbing up against each other until you think the can will burst.  Finally at some stop, 4 people get off but of course 3 or 5 people get on..and so it goes.  I have come to totally ignore it and frequently if I have some food with me, I share it as the others do with me.  Of course half way to wherever, the bus stops and some people get off and then 10 minutes later everyone get's on and you get your seat back.
      October 10 is World Mental Health Day so the staff are busy getting ready for it by having a Mental Health camp for the patients and families from our Clinic and for the general public.  This pretty much puts everything on hold.  I am planning on making contact with the nursing school to try to give a little lesson about the importance of patient's mental health along with their physical health.  Most nurses think MH is a waste and don't want to work with us.
     I spend a lot of time noticing feet.  This will be a surprise to some who know me because there was a period in my life when I couldn't stand feet, toes especially, couldn't even say the words... well, I see how useful feet are.  Many people here do not wear shoes, some, if they do wear shoes wear only flip flops.  Feet are such hard workers, I now admire them and notice them (well they are everywhere and very seen).

The light dawns

     I haven't been feeling depressed anymore but I haven't been feeling like my positive self either.  I have been thinking about my life here, at home, the future, what I want, how I see things and I finally identified the feeling. It is disappointment.  I am disappointed.  My entire life I have thought about volunteering to help in a place where they have so little materially, financially, structurally, whatever,  that whatever I could do might be useful.  Here in Sri Lanka I think I am useful.  I think my years of life experience, mental health experience is helping in some little way to create a better environment for mentally ill people by educating the staff and the community about good mental health practice.  I know that starting an AA group which we work on regularly to get people involved is a major event for this district.  I am liked and respected. 
      So why am I disappointed?  It is because I lived a fantasy and now I live a reality.  This is not the poorest country, they do not have the same issues as Africa and that is where I wanted to be.  The reality is that the volunteers in Africa complain of the same issues I do!  It's all fantasy, whatever I do is really fine.  i actually have located a village right near me that is among the poorest of the poor.  I heard about this village from a newsletter I get from the Buddhist Global Relief.  I am in touch with the group helping in the village called Sarvodaya Women's Movement and shall go see the village next week.  I have no idea if there is any way I can do something but this village is within miles of Badulla, terrible. The same exists in America, one does not have to go too far really. 
     If at the end of my time here, I haven't had my fantasy become a reality, if I still need it to, if I want to check out fantasy land, there are many ways to do it, and I can.  I can go to many countries in Africa as a short term volunteer, I can be on a list to go in emergencies, I can do many things.  Maybe I shall be happy to go home and not need to do it, maybe I shall go home and then go traveling again, maybe anything!  I am relieved to have identified what was happening inside me.  I really feel much better!