The light dawns

     I haven't been feeling depressed anymore but I haven't been feeling like my positive self either.  I have been thinking about my life here, at home, the future, what I want, how I see things and I finally identified the feeling. It is disappointment.  I am disappointed.  My entire life I have thought about volunteering to help in a place where they have so little materially, financially, structurally, whatever,  that whatever I could do might be useful.  Here in Sri Lanka I think I am useful.  I think my years of life experience, mental health experience is helping in some little way to create a better environment for mentally ill people by educating the staff and the community about good mental health practice.  I know that starting an AA group which we work on regularly to get people involved is a major event for this district.  I am liked and respected. 
      So why am I disappointed?  It is because I lived a fantasy and now I live a reality.  This is not the poorest country, they do not have the same issues as Africa and that is where I wanted to be.  The reality is that the volunteers in Africa complain of the same issues I do!  It's all fantasy, whatever I do is really fine.  i actually have located a village right near me that is among the poorest of the poor.  I heard about this village from a newsletter I get from the Buddhist Global Relief.  I am in touch with the group helping in the village called Sarvodaya Women's Movement and shall go see the village next week.  I have no idea if there is any way I can do something but this village is within miles of Badulla, terrible. The same exists in America, one does not have to go too far really. 
     If at the end of my time here, I haven't had my fantasy become a reality, if I still need it to, if I want to check out fantasy land, there are many ways to do it, and I can.  I can go to many countries in Africa as a short term volunteer, I can be on a list to go in emergencies, I can do many things.  Maybe I shall be happy to go home and not need to do it, maybe I shall go home and then go traveling again, maybe anything!  I am relieved to have identified what was happening inside me.  I really feel much better!

Capacity Building

h       When I was in Colombo at our mental health meetings last week, it became clearer to me what we are here for.  We are supposed to be capacity building, helping the staff here build their capacity to deal with patients, the system, the community in a more client centered way.  I have been approached by several staff of different disciplines asking many questions and wanting to learn from me.  My approach has been a more mentoring one which I think is best.  I have informed staff that I am ready and available to meet with them as groups regularly and they need to approach the powers that be to make that happen.  I have stopped asking to set up meetings that don't happen. 
      It is interesting though, this capacity building idea because I realized that it is a skill I myself am not great at and I think has gotten me in emotional trouble throughout my life.  Last week a friend asked to join me and Lieve to go to Nuwara Eliya next week.  We said sure and then I said, I'll call the hotel and try to get a room etc.  Lieve asked why I didn't give Nadia, our friend the name and number of the place and let her call and get the information herself!  Now isn't that interesting that that never occurred to me? Duh as they say.   This makes perfect sense and is capacity building for Nadia but for me too!  When I was in therapy with wonderful Betty she used to ask me why I did certain favors for Mari and I would say because I can, the place is close to my work etc.  I never understood what she meant, what was the big deal.  I get it now.  In a way it is operating from the self out with the idea of assisting others but not taking over for them. Everyone get's taken care of that way with no resentment.
     In a way, I am learning to take responsibility for myself this week as I prepare for these 4 hours of presentations I have to do for the health workers on the tea estates.  I have gathered information from many people, it is great but not quite what I need, I have to prepare it, I have to present it.  I am a person who doesn't always know what she thinks until she starts to talk.  I am sure what I say is based on knowledge and ideas I have had but I really don't have a lot of experience preparing an actual lecture or workshop.   Well no one is doing this for me, I am being forced to capacity build, I think this is one of the reasons I am here for, the next step in my maturity as a person, taking full responsibility for my own capacities or lack of! 
     How ironic, I just got an email that said, "    "Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others"  The Buddha