Wow I am really having a hard time the last few days, maybe since I returned from China. I am not sure; but today I sunk and felt so many bad feelings and started wondering what I shall do here for another ten months. I think it is most related to my upcoming birthday which has put me into a state of disbelief. I feel no older then 37, at the most..how could I be turning 65, it just doesn't feel possible, it feels shocking to me. i am having thoughts of people disregarding me because I am old and life being short and all those horrible things. It manifests in feeling I am useless here, disregarded and anyway I wanted to volunteer and feel I made a difference, i am thinking maybe I shall go change baby's diapers in an orphanage in Africa or take care of gorillas somewhere because that would be fun too! I am realizing I have no real plan for a future life at home in the States..I am freaking out!!!!! Anyway, that is what I was feeling all morning at work and was sure that Laxmi my buddy didn't even like me anymore (yes friends I know, I'm telling you it was a few hours slip). Anyway, at some point I said to gloomy Laxmi, someone is really unhappy today, meaning her and being sure, being the narcisist I can be, that it was about something I had done. She and the other 2 nurses in the room surprised me by saying yes, something is wrong and finally Laxmi leaned forward and said, my husband got cross with me and I feel terrible. How many times do I have to have the same lesson DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY and DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS!! It happened because I was feeling sad and bad and was more vulnerable and the lessons still continued. I have been talking for months with the nurses, every time we go out on a home visit about writing a note about their observations in the charts, talking about community work and teams and continuity of care, blah, blah..no one listens and then today when I was talking to the nurse I am doing the home visits with tomorrow about it he said, yes we started last week writing in the patient's chart about how they are doing, what we are seeing.
Anyway, I am indeed starting to think about the future and it is pretty blank. I really miss my patients, that life of doing psychotherapy and I loved clinical teaching. I miss Mari and wish for time back. I wonder if I'll have sex again; if I shall love and be loved. I really feel there are many places to travel I have yet to see and feel quite capable of getting around. Over the weekend I went hiking with another volunteer in a place called Haputale and in 24 hours we walked and climbed about 15 kilometers..pretty good. There has also been a flurry of emails among my old Mt. Sinai classmates and I seem to be one of the few without any replaced parts!
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Nancy, it isn't always necessary to make plans. Life itself has his plans for us. And also in the US I think there is a lot to do. When we are older we have our experiences that we can share with others. This is the time to give. At our age we already have received enough. So now we share.
ReplyDeleteNancy, now that you have an idea when you will be coming back to the States, try to savor the sights and sounds and even the passing of the days in Sri Lanka to remember when you have returned home. Your photos are terrific. Remember everything and it will become a reflective gift. And I really enjoy the picture in Tianamen Square! All The Best,
ReplyDeleteRichard