continuation of the last one...

     I don't know if I shall ever post this, but I am getting myself more fully right now so had to write it down.  I might as well do it here.  I am feeling this sick feeling inside, sickness that I feel when if I cry  it will release it, sometimes it stays with me and I get depressed but I won't let that happen at this point in my life.  What I think it is is a giant temper tantrum!  I still seem to hold onto grandiose ideas about who I am and what I should be doing.  I can feel like a fraud knowing that I really don't know a lot of actual, factual stuff.  I bluster a lot.  People are telling me how brave I am, how I am doing this and that but in my heart I know that I am protesting being here at this placement in Badulla because I do not feel qualified to write and present trainings and make slide shows and things like that. I actually think that my suggestions to the VSO office that people who have written wonderful trainings  be allowed to publish them and we all use the same ones throughout the country is a great idea.  I think we are all reinventing the wheel over and over but I also know I am a good talker but not an educator and my mind goes blank when trying to think of things that should be said in such a forum and I therefore want out of being seen as inadequate, and honestly I don't want to do it!  I have always said I am lazy.  On the other hand I can't seem to let myself just sit around observing and seeing where my input, in my way, may be useful which is what I have been advised to do. On the other hand I really do think one volunteer is quite enough for Badulla.  I volunteered to feel like I might be of some service and that would be better served in a place like Jaffna where all these poor refugees from the war are still suffering.  On the other hand I am probably just being grandiose again as a defense against feeling inadequate!  It is somewhat confusing but I think I get it.  I felt much better a few minutes ago when I got an email from one of the other volunteers who is in Cameroon who appreciated something I did and I thought, yes, that is who I am, that is what I can do by example is truly hear and care about what people are trying to say only I can't understand them because I don't speak their language!  I am going to publish this because it is honest and where I truly am.