Wesak

     This is not the blog I planned to post, I am working on another one but in the "being in the moment" place, Sunday started such a joyful week, I had to share it. (I do want to say at the outset though that I know the tenses don't all work in this blog because I wrote it over a time and then it was the past and the future and I got confused, please do forgive).
 Along my road, stands went up making these bamboo frames which then got covered with crepe paper.  It was all beautiful and it turns out these are lanterns that Thursday and Friday will be hanging all over town and illuminated to celebrate the birth, enlightenment and death of the Buddha.  This is celebrated on the Poya (full moon) in May and is called Wesak or Vesak.  Each day has been a treat.  Quite accidentally when I went to the post office Tuesday morning rather then straight to work, I ran into a Perahera, a parade of dancing school children, wearing costumes, led by an elephant and walking and dancing barefoot to the Buddhist temple, some distance away.  I've told you before that in Sri Lanka people celebrate everyone's holidays and get time off for them.  The support staff at the hospital have worked hard all week making lanterns which will be lit on Thursday night on the ward.  I of course intend to be there.  I am going to join one of the nurses and her family to watch a big Perahara and see the beautifully lit up town.  What is unfortunate still in Sri Lanka is that there is an assumption like the US with Christmas that it is everyone's holiday.  I haven't seen this much attention paid to the holidays of the other groups.  This is part of the bad feelings of the Tamil people who still feel very left out in their own country.  Correction to me:  it turns out that there is a big Tamil parade which takes place on the same day.  I saw it in the evening as it turns out.

   Part of the tradition of the day, aside from going to temple, is to give out free food and drinks.  I had been told of this so I went out in ther morning in search of food.  I started at the temple and paid my respects to the Buddha. The first thing I encountered was an elephant with a man carrying a baby around and under it several times.  Apparently this is some kind of Asian good luck thing because people where handing over their babies to this man. People are very interested in me and having their photos taken so I took many.  At the temple are thousands of people in white who bring their lunch and other necessities and settle in for the day sitting on the ground worshipping the Buddha.  For some reason, maybe because I am caucasian but I think because people here are so hospitable and I am clearly different, I was allowed to cut lines all over the place and get into the main shrine sometimes pushed and shoved along, another Sri Lankan tradition, in front of huge lines of people and no one says a peep.  These are the most patient people anywhere..if it were me at home I would be grumbling, who is that, why is SHE getting special treatment, blah, blah..

Anyway, after that, I wandered around town, looking for all this free food, I kept encountering free liquids of different types.  The only one I recognized was tea and jaggery (like maple candy), the others I have no idea.  I came to free food but there where dozens of people waiting to get into this little storefront so I didn't wait,  then I came upon free king coconuts to drink the water in it.  I usually don't like it although it is amazingly helpful if you are dehydrated and a real thirst quencher.  This time, I loved it but the thing is, again dozens of people where lined up but when the people handing them out, saw me, I was brought one!  Later another man tried to give me another one.   By now of course, I was starving because I hadn't eaten anything in anticipation of getting all this free food.  I thought I'd end up going to my favorite little spot where I get rice and curry at lunch (good I didn't wait, it was closed), I then passed my little local stores and I see hundreds of people lined up around the block and I know this means food.  I know it was wrong, I know I am supposed to feel guilty, I know I should go to the back of the line, I went right to the front with my camera and asked what was going on?  As soon as they saw me, I don't think anyone was knowing english, I was pushed right thru and told to follow a man and passed another group of a smaller line who had made it this far, and I am taken to the food table and a plate of rice and curry was prepared for me..another man seeing me, tried to make me a plate and I had to keep trying to expain that one was being prepared already.  Not only did I not feel any compunction about doing this I am sorry to say, but everyone in the line, smiled at me and shook their heads and wanted to know 2 things, did I like the food and would I take pictures of them and or their children!  It was a great time.
     Thursday night I went to the ward to see it and the hospital lanterns lit.  Many of the patients were involved in lighting the little oil lamps that are placed everywhere.  I of course was fretting about not giving patients matches and the dangers but this is Sri Lanka, patients don't do things like that here.  It was a lovely ritual and then the crepe paper lanterns were lit all over.  I was taken throughout the hospital to see the other lanterns.  Each unit makes their own.  Very impressive.  Then Roshanie, one of the nurses, her husband, 2 children and I went to town seeing the lanterns along the way (it's like our Christmas really).  Before we left the unit the staff told Roshanie to make sure she took care of me in the big city crowds!  I loved it. Townh was of course mobbed.  There were carnivals and children's activities telling the story of the Buddha.  What kept striking me is how much they make the Buddha look like Christ with a sort of halo thing around his head.  Did I mention that my tuk tuk driver had gotten me started on unusual postcards of the Buddha this week so of course by now I have collected dozens of them.  So many are like adoring Christ the baby and adult.  Don't ask what I shall do with these cards, no idea but I have to collect something don't I?
I was very happy to be with the family because aside from being fond of them, I would never have know where the free snacks were!  First we got ice cream, then we got an Orange type drink ending with these spiced chick pea things.  Quite a satisfying dinner for me!  We saw the Tamil Parade then we went to where the Perahera would be held.  It is quite a long route which of course was already mobbed with people like a parade route anywhere in the world.  We had to wait unfortunately almost 2 hours for it to start and I must say I found it a bit  disappointing after the build up but I am glad I went.  There were 12 dressed up elephants but I just feel so sorry for them because they have to walk this entire route wearing their own chains.  The big deal here is Kandyan music and dance.  It can be a school major.  I find it so interesting how feminine it is for the men who move their arms like women ballet dancers.  The first time I saw it I thought the men where particularly gay.  I have probably mentioned that in this country men are very affectionate with each other, hold hands, walk arm in arm, more then women.  The other thing I found so un-modern was that the parade is lit by men who carry these long polls with a rod iron basket filled with lit coals.  As they walk, the coconut oil that is used to light the coals drips hot oil out of the basket.  Of course, no one was slightly concerned but me.
Anyway, The real deal Perahara is in August in Kandy.  It is world famous and I have already booked a hotel and seats!  I am totally overindulging for my birthday!

WOMAN IN THE DUNES

     Many years ago I saw, what became, one of my favorite films.  It is Japanese, slow and I thought it very existential at the time.  There was something horrible yet wonderful about what happened to this person in the film.  In the last few weeks, so much has happened.  I attended for free, a 4 day silent meditation retreat at this beautiful resort ($485 per night) on the south coast of Sri Lanka. Ironically this was a town devistated by the Tsunami.   I went to work, I advised the nursing staff about various things like jotting down in the ticket (chart)! when a patient tries to hurt themselves or others. I actually, with the great help of my sister volunteer, got 15 Alcoholic Anonymous members here from Colombo, 7 hours away.  We got them transportation, sleeping accommodations, food, a 4 hour meeting attended by most of the staff as well as our new Consulting Psychiatrist who has finally arrived and quite a few Alcohol patients and their partners who mostly stayed through the entire meeting and want to continue!  We even served everyone tea in china cups.  I feel hugely gratified by this.  The AA people will take turns coming back one time a week until a meeting gets fully established here.  It is truly a service organization.  I think I have mentioned the huge alcohol, spousal abuse and suicide rate here connected to alcoholism.  If this takes off it will be a start in changing the problem. (yes I am ashamed to say I am bragging a little..so full of ego am I!)  I finally found a translator and he arrived the first time on Monday afternoon for us to find no available staff that day for us to meet with..this is the Sri Lankan way like ordering breakfast to be delivered by 7:30AM for the AA people and at 7:50 it is just getting loaded into the tuktuk to be taken and then despite assuring me (thru a translator) he knew where the hotel was, getting lost and arriving half an hour later at the hotel (of course calling in between to tell me no one was there..wherever he was!)  As one of the doctors told me, this is the Sri Lankan way.  If I don't learn patience here, I am hopeless!  
     With each event or activity that occurs here, I always find that at home awaiting me is laundry to wash, a house to clean, ironing to be done, food to be shopped for and prepared, a body to be washed, teeth to be brushed...It struck me so clearly one morning that no matter where I am or what I am getting done or not, life is the same whether I am in NY or Badulla. 
  Moment to moment events may or may not be different, but what changes the moment is being in it, just being where I am.. What I love about Woman In The Dunes is that slavery becomes freedom for this person. Of course I am not condoning slavery to learn how to free ourselves but I do think that any moment can be anything depending on how we allow ourselves to experience it.
     Now this does not preclude the fact that 5 members of the psychiatric staff are pregnant or partners of pregnancy so it leads me to think a lot about how much "fun" everyone else besides me, is having these days!

Problems and lessons

     I have a problem, I can't throw out my garbage today.  My landladies (thought that would be a change from landlords), go thru my garbage!  No matter what I try to hide in there, they go thru the peals and crap and find stuff.  I know this because I had some bad cheese one day and threw it out and  Rajapaksha came to me and said don't throw away food, give it to us.  The dog got it!  He was upset.  Ancy has since told me they go thru everything.  So it wouldn't be a problem except that I don't like all the sweets they gave me and want to get rid of them.  I can't give them away because everyone has tons of sweets because of the New Year.  Another problem I am having is itches and rashes.  I am not afraid of much in the way of animals or bugs except for 2 things, head lice and bed bugs.  We had patients with head lice and I went out and bought combs for the staff to use on them but it left me uneasy.  You know how when you sweat and the sweat dries, you might feel itchy on your body or your head, well this is happening and I am also getting mosquito bites and other little bites as well as teeny little ants that appear on my body somehow this season..I am now fearful that all this itching is head lice and bed bugs and I am freaked out.  Of course, I do have bites and a rash on both arms but there is no evidence of either dreaded infestation on my person or in my bed. I am washing everything that goes on my bed today though.
     I think I have mentioned that one of the things I am attempting to do is get AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) here to Badulla and then to the Tea Estates where there is a high incidence of alcoholism, spousal abuse and suicide.  So a date was set, arrangements were vin the works, calendars adjusted and then Nilantha, one of my favorite, best social workers ever, told me that with the New Year and the amount of time he won't be around, he couldn't get it all done by the date selected.  I was annoyed. He, like many Sri Lankans I think, don't like to say no or don't think ahead, it was obvious that this would be a problem, even I knew but let the planning go on.  I hated being annoyed with him but it was terrible telling all these AA people that they had to reschedule their work again.  Hopefully people will learn from this and it will happen two weeks later. I am not sure that one thing has happened here that has not had to be rescheduled.
     Because of the date being changed however, I could apply to be invited for free to a meditation retreat happening at this luxury resort in Galle.  There were 2 open spots for those on the email list for a meditation center in Colombo.  I put my name on the list a while ago in the hopes that I could meditate with them when I go to Colombo.  Anyway, I had not applied for the retreat because the AA group was happening.  I then applied,  too many people for spots of course and the question came can you stay thru Monday noontime.  Staying thru Monday noontime means I cannot be back by 2:30PM that day when I have finally scheduled a translator (yeah) to spend an hour working with me the support staff .  What to do...Well I said I could stay, I have been accepted to the retreat and will start the translator and the sessions one week later.  However, though not quite the same as what happened with AA being rescheduled, it is close enough to make me pretty Sri Lankan!

The Avuruddha

Okay, this is it, I have only enough for one more cup of American coffee left.  This will be the true test of whether I have acclimated to this country.  Actually, I drink one cup of coffee in the morning and then about 11am really enjoy a cup of tea with the staff sometimes again about 4:30pm.

     Today is a huge holiday here, although I must say there are many, many holidays here.  This is Sinhala and Tamil New Year or The Avuruddha. It essentially celebrates the end of the harvest. Basically pretty much 3/4 of the country seems to stop working and go home or to visit family.  Nothing much happens, post office stops functioning, stores close, restaurants close, for a week or more.  The actually holiday is one day but there is the preparation leading up to the holiday and then the stuff that happens the day after the holiday and then the traveling back from family and so forth.  so basically from this past Monday until next Monday or Tuesday, nothing goes on.  Actually since last Thursday was election day the holiday seems to have started then.  Patients of course need to be taken care of but many were discharged so they could vote and then be home for the New Year so the ward is very quiet and of course staff are not on full capacity.

     So, what happens actually on this holiday?  Well what I am gathering is that it is sort of like Passover or Jewish New Year.  The entire house is cleaned top to bottom, new things for the home are purchased, new clothing is bought for the whole family.  Certain foods that are significant, especially milk products like milk rice or Kiribath which celebrates the harvest of the rice, are prepared.  Tons of sweets of various forms are made and lots of bananas are eaten.  So all this preparing goes on until a certain hour on the day before the holiday, in this case the about 11pm on the 13th.  At that point the fire of the stove must be extinguished and the stove cleaned and it is relit the following day at a time determined by the astrologers.  No food is eaten in between this time either and no work is performed, it is a time of quiet and reflection.  Then in this case at 9am this morning, the stove is lit, milk is boiled over on it to celebrate prosperity and health and everyone eats all day!  Very loud firecrackers are set off all over, I can attest to that since it has been happening for several days now!  Also money is passed between parents and children and children and parents as a sign of respect and prosperity in the coming year, I believe.  It is truly a family holiday, people go to their parents wherever they are as much as possible.  (Interestingly enough, Christians and Muslims do not celebrate this holiday but do benefit from the days off from work.  Yes the country is really, really divided between 4 religions, Sinhala people being Buddhist and Tamils being Hindus.)   The day after the holiday, there are still rituals with oil being placed on the head and certain kind of bathing. Anyway, I was hoping someone would invite me to their home to witness this ritual and as it turns out I am invited to Laxmi's home for lunch today.  She is one of the nurses I have written about.  I have unfortunately been benefiting from the holiday all week because people have been "baking" and making milk toffee for days. Staff have brought it to work and yesterday, my landlady brought up an entire tray of about 6 or 7 different treats for me.  Pretty much everything made here is deep fried like oil cakes and things like funnel cakes.  There cholesterol numbers are high as you can imagine.  Outside my window at this very moment the firecrackers are going crazy, it is just past 9AM, the time the eating can begin!  I think I'll go have breakfast.

work and other stuff

     I wish you could here the sounds coming from outside right now.  Each morning there is a moslem call to prayer at about 5AM or so.  Well right now it sounds like a bunch of guys trying to be a sort of Moslem barbershop quartet singing like the morning but in harmony, in my neighbors yard.
     There is not a lot going on at work because we still do not have a consultant Psychiatrist so right now we are screwed.  They took one of our doctors because they can and we have no one to fight for us. This is the system, we can't do ECT or keep aggressive patients so we have less than 20 patients right now.  We did write a letter to the Minister of Health who is from Badulla and I think is also the brother in law of the president or something like that, telling him how desperate we are, and how bad it is for patients who have to go far away from home for treatment. It has given me more time though to sort of just hang out with the staff.  Before I came I was told that there was a great hierarchy here between each level of staff. So far that is not actually what I am seeing, with a couple of horrifying exceptions, I find most of the staff to be pretty respectful of each other.  Staff are made up of 4 Medical Officers (doctors), 8 RNs, 2 Social Workers who actually aren't master's level yet but we are working on it, an OT and 10 Support staff who are called Minor staff which I hate of course.  The doctors aren't separate really, don't seem to expect particularly different treatment, know everyone.  That's not to say doctors don't get different treatment because they do.  The other day I went to another hospital with Dr. S. to see what other clinics are like and we go in this leather seated, plush car.  When the nurses go on home visits, we are lucky if we get a trishaw or an ambulance.  Nevertheless,  in some ways it's less hierarchical  then in the states.  People don't seem to value themselves as so much better because of their work.  Now there is probably a greater difference in thinking about roles between the Sinhala people and the Tamils and within castes in the tamil population which is just as crazy.  Anyway, I am feeling very fond of a lot of the staff.  The other day I fell ill, I'm OK, I think it was something I ate but the doctors and nurses were so sweet, several doctors came over to my home to visit and one of the nurses has been checking in.  The other thing that happened which is most disturbing is the theft of 2 signs I had had written to put up for the new support staff but really for all the staff.  I had one sign made in Sinhala and one in Tamil although that one hadn't been put up yet, I was working on convincing the nurse in charge that both needed to be there.  The sign said in essence:  Treat people with dignity, respect, equality and as you would a loved one.  One day, last week the sign was removed from the wall.  It disappeared.  All the staff were very upset about it and a few days later, the Tamil sign which was sitting there also disappeared.  The nurses got together and talked about it, the doctors and social workers, it was as if it was an affront to all of us.  Our social worker and his father spent one night trying to translate my english into sinhala and then Dr. S. worked on it and got another sign made.  I don't think that would happen in the US.
     The  Lankans love holidays or they love days off work so in these three weeks or so they take off for Good Friday, Easter, Tamil New Year, Sinhalese New Year, Poya (Buddhist) Day and more!  The New Year time is very special, sort of like Passover.  They clean their houses thoroughly, clean out the stoves, buy special ingredients, wash in a particular way and put on oils, cook and eat and visit parents but it is all determined to the minute by the astrologers who tell them when to do what on which day.  
     Oh I almost forgot, big, big news, literally around the corner from me they are putting up a resort/hotel with a restaurant and a pastry shop.  They actually have wonderful food, the rooms are beautiful, Ancy and I are in shock, this is Badulla.  Some rooms actually have AC and hot water!  They are around $20 a room.  It's a real restaurant, yippee. We had breakfast Saturday morning, she had dinner Friday eve.  Aside from that, I have now located wonderful hotels on beautiful tea estates, people could actually come to Sri Lanka and hardly ever have to pee in a hole in the ground! 
     Speaking of Ancy, I am on the lookout for a baby maker for her. She is 37 years old and really wants a baby, she'll take a husband but really wants a baby so now all the staff are talking about who they know that could make good babies! 

Capacity Building

h       When I was in Colombo at our mental health meetings last week, it became clearer to me what we are here for.  We are supposed to be capacity building, helping the staff here build their capacity to deal with patients, the system, the community in a more client centered way.  I have been approached by several staff of different disciplines asking many questions and wanting to learn from me.  My approach has been a more mentoring one which I think is best.  I have informed staff that I am ready and available to meet with them as groups regularly and they need to approach the powers that be to make that happen.  I have stopped asking to set up meetings that don't happen. 
      It is interesting though, this capacity building idea because I realized that it is a skill I myself am not great at and I think has gotten me in emotional trouble throughout my life.  Last week a friend asked to join me and Lieve to go to Nuwara Eliya next week.  We said sure and then I said, I'll call the hotel and try to get a room etc.  Lieve asked why I didn't give Nadia, our friend the name and number of the place and let her call and get the information herself!  Now isn't that interesting that that never occurred to me? Duh as they say.   This makes perfect sense and is capacity building for Nadia but for me too!  When I was in therapy with wonderful Betty she used to ask me why I did certain favors for Mari and I would say because I can, the place is close to my work etc.  I never understood what she meant, what was the big deal.  I get it now.  In a way it is operating from the self out with the idea of assisting others but not taking over for them. Everyone get's taken care of that way with no resentment.
     In a way, I am learning to take responsibility for myself this week as I prepare for these 4 hours of presentations I have to do for the health workers on the tea estates.  I have gathered information from many people, it is great but not quite what I need, I have to prepare it, I have to present it.  I am a person who doesn't always know what she thinks until she starts to talk.  I am sure what I say is based on knowledge and ideas I have had but I really don't have a lot of experience preparing an actual lecture or workshop.   Well no one is doing this for me, I am being forced to capacity build, I think this is one of the reasons I am here for, the next step in my maturity as a person, taking full responsibility for my own capacities or lack of! 
     How ironic, I just got an email that said, "    "Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others"  The Buddha

My new favorite Priest

  So, the trip by bus was so horrible going to Colombo this time that I decided I would take the long train trip home, at least the scenery is beautiful (til I did it again..ugh 12 hours!). I asked Evelyn, the secretary at VSO to call the train station for me and make a reservation.  This is how others have done it.  When she called she was told now I must go to the station and buy my ticket.  So late in the afternoon, I jumped into a tuk tuk and took the 300rupee trip (almost $3..a lot) to the station.  When I arrived there and figured out where to buy a ticket for the reserved train, different place then unreserved, I am told that tickets can only be purchased between 6am and 2pm daily.  This is very typical for here, not being told more then you ask.  Don't forget that Evelyn called and spoke Sinhala.  Anyway, I was a bit annoyed but.. hey..so I went outside and decided to take the bus back because I was not spending that kind of money on a tuk tuk.  So I went back into the station and asked the man were I get the bus.  He told me and then happened to mention that I could see what trains still had reservations available by turning around and looking at this huge board.  It turned out that for the entire weekend, there was only one train left having seats so I knew I had better get to the station early the next morning.
In the meanwhile I have 2 plans I needed to get back across town for, so I jumped on the bus in the Fort area where the train station is and a few blocks along my phone rang.  It is Father Patrick, my friend that I was meeting that eve. for dinner.  He said, can you come to the Fort,  there is an AA meeting happening now and they would like to meet you.  (this is about Patrick helping me to find people to start an AA meeting in Badulla where we have terrible alcohol/spousal abuse problems).  Of course this was amazing because I was in the Fort which I never am, so I jumped off the bus, never paid, and walked back to this Catholic building I didn't know existed and went to an AA meeting.  After the meeting Patrick said he will be another hour he was giving a lecture.  The lecture was in English so of course I asked to sit in.  Patrick is the head of the counseling service for families in this area (he is an analyst as well as a priest). The church gives a 6 month very extensive course to volunteers from the community in how to counsel  couples and families.  He said "you can sit in, better you can give a lecture on mental illness and how to deal with couples with an ill member" and proceeded to introduce me!  Needless to say, I had to stand up and do something so I talked for about an hour.  I did explain mental illness but I also told them about what I thought was important for them to know about doing couples therapy.  Interestingly, most of the questions were about how to handle mentally disturbed children, in the family, classroom, in general.  They have little treatment available for children and many of these volunteers are school teachers who have to handle the children and families.  Sex was actually a big issue.
Anyway, after that it was already 8:30pm and Patrick suggested we eat upstairs where there is a priests' residence.  After the shock of being allowed even invited into this holy place, I said yes.  I wish I had had a tape recorder.  I  had one of the most fun and funniest evenings I can remember.  There were 4 priests.  2 were quieter but very pleasant and welcoming.  Patrick is delightful and lively and has lived in NYC, he is a wonderful connecting bridge for me between the two cultures since he is Sri Lankan.  The 4th priest was Father Peter.  He has a very dry, humorous wit and we hit it off immediately.  I talked with him about everything and he with me.  We laughed and teased each other like crazy, he now tells me I better not die in SL because I haven't told him what to do with me and after all he is a priest.  (Today he said he'd give my body to science if I insisted on dying here).  He told riotous stories about living in Texas and the bible wielding holier than thou people.  We talked about gays and lesbians in SL and mostly he validated so many thoughts I have had about this government and even buddhist monks here.  We talked about my ticket dilemma too and he offered to go in the morning and bring me the ticket and he really did show up at VSO at 4pm the next afternoon, ticket in hand.
     When I had gotten on the bus to go to Colombo there was a very lovely moslem couple,  who where from Badulla but had lived in the middle east.  I knew they were moslems because she wore a head scarf. There names are Rumaiza and Siraj. We talked a lot, we shared food and we all said we would like meet in Badulla.  Yesterday they called and invited me to dinner.  I have spoken to Peter who will be nearby in April, this too is typical of Sri Lanka,  I truly have 3 new friends.