h When I was in Colombo at our mental health meetings last week, it became clearer to me what we are here for. We are supposed to be capacity building, helping the staff here build their capacity to deal with patients, the system, the community in a more client centered way. I have been approached by several staff of different disciplines asking many questions and wanting to learn from me. My approach has been a more mentoring one which I think is best. I have informed staff that I am ready and available to meet with them as groups regularly and they need to approach the powers that be to make that happen. I have stopped asking to set up meetings that don't happen.
It is interesting though, this capacity building idea because I realized that it is a skill I myself am not great at and I think has gotten me in emotional trouble throughout my life. Last week a friend asked to join me and Lieve to go to Nuwara Eliya next week. We said sure and then I said, I'll call the hotel and try to get a room etc. Lieve asked why I didn't give Nadia, our friend the name and number of the place and let her call and get the information herself! Now isn't that interesting that that never occurred to me? Duh as they say. This makes perfect sense and is capacity building for Nadia but for me too! When I was in therapy with wonderful Betty she used to ask me why I did certain favors for Mari and I would say because I can, the place is close to my work etc. I never understood what she meant, what was the big deal. I get it now. In a way it is operating from the self out with the idea of assisting others but not taking over for them. Everyone get's taken care of that way with no resentment.
In a way, I am learning to take responsibility for myself this week as I prepare for these 4 hours of presentations I have to do for the health workers on the tea estates. I have gathered information from many people, it is great but not quite what I need, I have to prepare it, I have to present it. I am a person who doesn't always know what she thinks until she starts to talk. I am sure what I say is based on knowledge and ideas I have had but I really don't have a lot of experience preparing an actual lecture or workshop. Well no one is doing this for me, I am being forced to capacity build, I think this is one of the reasons I am here for, the next step in my maturity as a person, taking full responsibility for my own capacities or lack of!
How ironic, I just got an email that said, " "Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others" The Buddha
Monday, March 22, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
My new favorite Priest
So, the trip by bus was so horrible going to Colombo this time that I decided I would take the long train trip home, at least the scenery is beautiful (til I did it again..ugh 12 hours!). I asked Evelyn, the secretary at VSO to call the train station for me and make a reservation. This is how others have done it. When she called she was told now I must go to the station and buy my ticket. So late in the afternoon, I jumped into a tuk tuk and took the 300rupee trip (almost $3..a lot) to the station. When I arrived there and figured out where to buy a ticket for the reserved train, different place then unreserved, I am told that tickets can only be purchased between 6am and 2pm daily. This is very typical for here, not being told more then you ask. Don't forget that Evelyn called and spoke Sinhala. Anyway, I was a bit annoyed but.. hey..so I went outside and decided to take the bus back because I was not spending that kind of money on a tuk tuk. So I went back into the station and asked the man were I get the bus. He told me and then happened to mention that I could see what trains still had reservations available by turning around and looking at this huge board. It turned out that for the entire weekend, there was only one train left having seats so I knew I had better get to the station early the next morning.
In the meanwhile I have 2 plans I needed to get back across town for, so I jumped on the bus in the Fort area where the train station is and a few blocks along my phone rang. It is Father Patrick, my friend that I was meeting that eve. for dinner. He said, can you come to the Fort, there is an AA meeting happening now and they would like to meet you. (this is about Patrick helping me to find people to start an AA meeting in Badulla where we have terrible alcohol/spousal abuse problems). Of course this was amazing because I was in the Fort which I never am, so I jumped off the bus, never paid, and walked back to this Catholic building I didn't know existed and went to an AA meeting. After the meeting Patrick said he will be another hour he was giving a lecture. The lecture was in English so of course I asked to sit in. Patrick is the head of the counseling service for families in this area (he is an analyst as well as a priest). The church gives a 6 month very extensive course to volunteers from the community in how to counsel couples and families. He said "you can sit in, better you can give a lecture on mental illness and how to deal with couples with an ill member" and proceeded to introduce me! Needless to say, I had to stand up and do something so I talked for about an hour. I did explain mental illness but I also told them about what I thought was important for them to know about doing couples therapy. Interestingly, most of the questions were about how to handle mentally disturbed children, in the family, classroom, in general. They have little treatment available for children and many of these volunteers are school teachers who have to handle the children and families. Sex was actually a big issue.
Anyway, after that it was already 8:30pm and Patrick suggested we eat upstairs where there is a priests' residence. After the shock of being allowed even invited into this holy place, I said yes. I wish I had had a tape recorder. I had one of the most fun and funniest evenings I can remember. There were 4 priests. 2 were quieter but very pleasant and welcoming. Patrick is delightful and lively and has lived in NYC, he is a wonderful connecting bridge for me between the two cultures since he is Sri Lankan. The 4th priest was Father Peter. He has a very dry, humorous wit and we hit it off immediately. I talked with him about everything and he with me. We laughed and teased each other like crazy, he now tells me I better not die in SL because I haven't told him what to do with me and after all he is a priest. (Today he said he'd give my body to science if I insisted on dying here). He told riotous stories about living in Texas and the bible wielding holier than thou people. We talked about gays and lesbians in SL and mostly he validated so many thoughts I have had about this government and even buddhist monks here. We talked about my ticket dilemma too and he offered to go in the morning and bring me the ticket and he really did show up at VSO at 4pm the next afternoon, ticket in hand.
When I had gotten on the bus to go to Colombo there was a very lovely moslem couple, who where from Badulla but had lived in the middle east. I knew they were moslems because she wore a head scarf. There names are Rumaiza and Siraj. We talked a lot, we shared food and we all said we would like meet in Badulla. Yesterday they called and invited me to dinner. I have spoken to Peter who will be nearby in April, this too is typical of Sri Lanka, I truly have 3 new friends.
In the meanwhile I have 2 plans I needed to get back across town for, so I jumped on the bus in the Fort area where the train station is and a few blocks along my phone rang. It is Father Patrick, my friend that I was meeting that eve. for dinner. He said, can you come to the Fort, there is an AA meeting happening now and they would like to meet you. (this is about Patrick helping me to find people to start an AA meeting in Badulla where we have terrible alcohol/spousal abuse problems). Of course this was amazing because I was in the Fort which I never am, so I jumped off the bus, never paid, and walked back to this Catholic building I didn't know existed and went to an AA meeting. After the meeting Patrick said he will be another hour he was giving a lecture. The lecture was in English so of course I asked to sit in. Patrick is the head of the counseling service for families in this area (he is an analyst as well as a priest). The church gives a 6 month very extensive course to volunteers from the community in how to counsel couples and families. He said "you can sit in, better you can give a lecture on mental illness and how to deal with couples with an ill member" and proceeded to introduce me! Needless to say, I had to stand up and do something so I talked for about an hour. I did explain mental illness but I also told them about what I thought was important for them to know about doing couples therapy. Interestingly, most of the questions were about how to handle mentally disturbed children, in the family, classroom, in general. They have little treatment available for children and many of these volunteers are school teachers who have to handle the children and families. Sex was actually a big issue.
Anyway, after that it was already 8:30pm and Patrick suggested we eat upstairs where there is a priests' residence. After the shock of being allowed even invited into this holy place, I said yes. I wish I had had a tape recorder. I had one of the most fun and funniest evenings I can remember. There were 4 priests. 2 were quieter but very pleasant and welcoming. Patrick is delightful and lively and has lived in NYC, he is a wonderful connecting bridge for me between the two cultures since he is Sri Lankan. The 4th priest was Father Peter. He has a very dry, humorous wit and we hit it off immediately. I talked with him about everything and he with me. We laughed and teased each other like crazy, he now tells me I better not die in SL because I haven't told him what to do with me and after all he is a priest. (Today he said he'd give my body to science if I insisted on dying here). He told riotous stories about living in Texas and the bible wielding holier than thou people. We talked about gays and lesbians in SL and mostly he validated so many thoughts I have had about this government and even buddhist monks here. We talked about my ticket dilemma too and he offered to go in the morning and bring me the ticket and he really did show up at VSO at 4pm the next afternoon, ticket in hand.
When I had gotten on the bus to go to Colombo there was a very lovely moslem couple, who where from Badulla but had lived in the middle east. I knew they were moslems because she wore a head scarf. There names are Rumaiza and Siraj. We talked a lot, we shared food and we all said we would like meet in Badulla. Yesterday they called and invited me to dinner. I have spoken to Peter who will be nearby in April, this too is typical of Sri Lanka, I truly have 3 new friends.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Musing and more..
I just had a lovely afternoon. I spent time on the ward with 2 of my favorite nurses who were covering from 1pm on. They and one other nurse are my favorites because they are excellent with the patients, they don't get annoyed with them or try to get rid of them, they care about them, they are good psych nurses. They are also the most curious, wanting to know about me, about traveling about life outside of Sri Lanka. They share a tremendous amount with me especially about family and money, the two major worries and stressors of most Sri Lankans that I meet. Women have little life here after marriage, husband, home, cooking, children, work, extended family. There is little time and frequently little money for other things. Anyway, Samantha and Roshanie are their names (the third is Laxmie..eat with your right hand nurse). We all have very good senses of humor and I do believe we are all genuinely fond of each other. Maybe what we shall bring to each other is a desire to know more, learn more and make more of what they want, happen.
As I walked home, it was later then usual and the little lane I walk along from the hospital, had kids in many front yards. They were so happy and talked to me so easily, one little boy started explaining in English! what he was doing with a stick. It just felt so sweet. I am still a novelty to children and they look at me with wonder then I smile and they smile and then they tell mommy and everyone smiles.
Last week I had a day I loved going out on home visits with the nurses to areas that are so beautiful on or near certain tea estates. This is the area where I wanted to fix up two 90 year olds and after seeing them again, I am convinced an effort should be made in this direction! The area is called Demodara. This was the last home visit with Mahendra, the only trained MH nurse who has now left to live elsewhere. For me it has been a joy to go out and see the beauty of the countryside, marvel at how they find these patients down little alleys, up big mountains, along railroad tracks and now many of them know me and I feel so privileged to know them and their families. I am giving up the issue of privacy mostly for patients on the ward and elsewhere because this is not an issue here. Lankans do not for whatever cultural reasons, care about being private or keeping secrets in that way. Very few houses have doors on the inside. Covering the doors are curtains. It reminds me of that movie with Kevin Cosner where he lived with Indians and 20 of them lived in the same tent and they just expected each other to respect their space like when they were having sex. Our social worker, Nilantha, who is fantastic and kind, told me the story of the village he lives in, his parents live in, lots of neighbors and he said sometimes after lunch he and his wife might want to nap but the door is always open and if someone comes in you offer tea, that's the way it is. Family, neighbors, group support is a basic part of the culture.
The last time I wrote about ignorance and OK I'm admitting, I am the ignorant, judgmental one of west and east. I used to think of my mouth sometimes as being a bull in a china shop; over the years I have worked very hard on this, now I feel like I am a bull in a china shop but it is mostly in my head! I am fortunate that my head is so hard or I would have a massive headache. I remembered Jay Leno being on the street and asking questions and the amount of people who don't know basics of the country or the world. I was incensed before I left at a friend of mine who said that I might try to push my ideas, being white , down the throats of these minorities. I am realizing that although I don't want to come in with my ideas and push them on the people here in some ways it just happens and is pushed on me. I am seen as more important, being white is prized. This is why I am confused about what to do here because who says my way is better and so much is subjective. There are somethings like broken shards of glass in a window on the psychiatric ward that are dangerous anywhere and that I felt I needed to push, however, they had been there a year apparently, that's when a request was put in to get rid of them, and no one had tried to kill themselves. The SL way of suicide is usually poison. So in many ways, and please I am not being modest, I think I'm full of shit (not literally at all). So much of what they do here is good and our way isn't. Some things do need to change. No matter where in the world one is, a hugely high suicide rate of women who are abused because their husbands drink because they are so poor, anywhere, that issue can use improvement and help is wanted for that.
I just finished reading such a wonderful, enlightening book called: CRAZY LIKE US by Ethan Watters. It is basically about how the West (US, GB) have pushed our way with drugs but also with diagnoses on the East, taking no account of the differences in cultures. One chapter is about Sri Lanka and the diagnosis of PTSD after the Tsunami and the war...fascinating. I am exploring the issue with our doctors but language is so hard so it is slow going..speaking of which I found and unfound a translator. I had 2 posters made in Sinhalese and Tamil for the support staff saying essentially to care for the patients in the way you care for yourself or family. I was going to use these when I had my first meeting with the staff, of course this has yet to happen but some day..also the translator is not the right person for the job.
Tomorrow I go back to Colombo to discuss what my first 2 months or so in Badulla have been like. I intend to talk about what I am confused about, what I can do and what I can't or am unwilling to do. I realized in the states i was always ranting about how much I hate development. In upstate NY they removed mountains to build shopping malls and the charm of old America is eked away but progress. I don't want to be part of breaking down the family and group structure. It is good. Schizophrenia is a less scary illness here then in the states. Families take care of their sick. i think i shall find good helpful ways of being without ramming anything down the throats of anybody and they just spit it out anyway!
So what has been important to me this week: I bought a fitted sheet, it makes a major difference, I am going to Colombo and going to a classical music concert, I looked at the gowns of movie stars on the internet after the Oscars (Penelope Cruz wins hands down as usual), I love my new oven, I have taken to walking the streets of Badulla again (I was doing it less) and feel much more connected. I feel happy today.
As I walked home, it was later then usual and the little lane I walk along from the hospital, had kids in many front yards. They were so happy and talked to me so easily, one little boy started explaining in English! what he was doing with a stick. It just felt so sweet. I am still a novelty to children and they look at me with wonder then I smile and they smile and then they tell mommy and everyone smiles.
Last week I had a day I loved going out on home visits with the nurses to areas that are so beautiful on or near certain tea estates. This is the area where I wanted to fix up two 90 year olds and after seeing them again, I am convinced an effort should be made in this direction! The area is called Demodara. This was the last home visit with Mahendra, the only trained MH nurse who has now left to live elsewhere. For me it has been a joy to go out and see the beauty of the countryside, marvel at how they find these patients down little alleys, up big mountains, along railroad tracks and now many of them know me and I feel so privileged to know them and their families. I am giving up the issue of privacy mostly for patients on the ward and elsewhere because this is not an issue here. Lankans do not for whatever cultural reasons, care about being private or keeping secrets in that way. Very few houses have doors on the inside. Covering the doors are curtains. It reminds me of that movie with Kevin Cosner where he lived with Indians and 20 of them lived in the same tent and they just expected each other to respect their space like when they were having sex. Our social worker, Nilantha, who is fantastic and kind, told me the story of the village he lives in, his parents live in, lots of neighbors and he said sometimes after lunch he and his wife might want to nap but the door is always open and if someone comes in you offer tea, that's the way it is. Family, neighbors, group support is a basic part of the culture.
The last time I wrote about ignorance and OK I'm admitting, I am the ignorant, judgmental one of west and east. I used to think of my mouth sometimes as being a bull in a china shop; over the years I have worked very hard on this, now I feel like I am a bull in a china shop but it is mostly in my head! I am fortunate that my head is so hard or I would have a massive headache. I remembered Jay Leno being on the street and asking questions and the amount of people who don't know basics of the country or the world. I was incensed before I left at a friend of mine who said that I might try to push my ideas, being white , down the throats of these minorities. I am realizing that although I don't want to come in with my ideas and push them on the people here in some ways it just happens and is pushed on me. I am seen as more important, being white is prized. This is why I am confused about what to do here because who says my way is better and so much is subjective. There are somethings like broken shards of glass in a window on the psychiatric ward that are dangerous anywhere and that I felt I needed to push, however, they had been there a year apparently, that's when a request was put in to get rid of them, and no one had tried to kill themselves. The SL way of suicide is usually poison. So in many ways, and please I am not being modest, I think I'm full of shit (not literally at all). So much of what they do here is good and our way isn't. Some things do need to change. No matter where in the world one is, a hugely high suicide rate of women who are abused because their husbands drink because they are so poor, anywhere, that issue can use improvement and help is wanted for that.
I just finished reading such a wonderful, enlightening book called: CRAZY LIKE US by Ethan Watters. It is basically about how the West (US, GB) have pushed our way with drugs but also with diagnoses on the East, taking no account of the differences in cultures. One chapter is about Sri Lanka and the diagnosis of PTSD after the Tsunami and the war...fascinating. I am exploring the issue with our doctors but language is so hard so it is slow going..speaking of which I found and unfound a translator. I had 2 posters made in Sinhalese and Tamil for the support staff saying essentially to care for the patients in the way you care for yourself or family. I was going to use these when I had my first meeting with the staff, of course this has yet to happen but some day..also the translator is not the right person for the job.
Tomorrow I go back to Colombo to discuss what my first 2 months or so in Badulla have been like. I intend to talk about what I am confused about, what I can do and what I can't or am unwilling to do. I realized in the states i was always ranting about how much I hate development. In upstate NY they removed mountains to build shopping malls and the charm of old America is eked away but progress. I don't want to be part of breaking down the family and group structure. It is good. Schizophrenia is a less scary illness here then in the states. Families take care of their sick. i think i shall find good helpful ways of being without ramming anything down the throats of anybody and they just spit it out anyway!
So what has been important to me this week: I bought a fitted sheet, it makes a major difference, I am going to Colombo and going to a classical music concert, I looked at the gowns of movie stars on the internet after the Oscars (Penelope Cruz wins hands down as usual), I love my new oven, I have taken to walking the streets of Badulla again (I was doing it less) and feel much more connected. I feel happy today.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
ignorance
This week coming up may or may not be exciting. I got permission, when I was in Colombo last week, to hire a translator for sessions I want to have with the staff. I sort of got permission, it's not quite as easy as that, I have to find one, get prices and then in two weeks when I am back in Colombo I present what I have found out etc. etc. I choose to try to find a translator, pay for her or him and risk being reimbursed by VSO. Of course finding a translator is not easy, if however I do find one, I am going to start a weekly session with the support staff, most of whom are totally new and have no experience, and a bimonthly meeting with the nursing staff. It is a beginning and I am keeping my fingers crossed.
I have continued to feel disturbed by the lack of knowledge the Sri Lankan have. I was sharing with one of the doctors the other day about the Tajikistan group that was here visiting VSO. He asked me where Tajikistan was; OK, lot's of people wouldn't know that. I explained about how when the USSR broke up all these countries reemerged and so forth. He asked me about the USSR and why they broke up! I keep trying to ask about Hitler, 2nd world War, Jews, no one knows. I asked a 19 year old studying for A level exams to get into University. He said they had some world history and social studies in school but very little. Mostly they study only about Sri Lanka. I asked someone about the Dalai Lama (this is a very Buddhist country), he said he had heard of him but knew nothing about him. Now I would have more understanding of this if we were in the hinterlands of Africa where it is still quite tribal and there is very little access to the outside world. This country makes a choice to not know. Perhaps as more people get computers, more will know more. The newspapers here have very, very little about anything besides Sri Lanka. There is joy, dancing, yelling, firecracker lighting etc. for every event including the nominations yesterday for Parliament, the excitement was over the nominations of people who are aligned with the president who had disbanded the Parliament that existed a week or two ago. Now please, I have no desire to be unfair, oh no. I read the Sunday NY Times editorials each week. No the ignorance of the the Americans certainly rivals that of the SLs. Two articles jumped out at me today, Al Gore's on climate change and how we are heading for disaster, it get's worse and worse because we know more and more and everyone, the government, individuals just keep buying anything they want without a care about the future of the planet or their own future kin for that matter. The other article by Frank Rich about the guy who killed himself and someone else in an IRS office in Texas, the Tea Party Party and where that is all headed really made ignorance neck and neck in the two countries. So here I am, feeling upset about the state of the worlds I live in so what to do? I set up the ironing board, put in my ipod ear plugs, listened first to one of my favorite musicals "Dear World" which hardly anyone remembers but is filled with wonderful music sung by Angela Lansbury and is about fighting the big bad guys to save the world from ecological destruction!! (I cannot figure out why this show has not been revived, it is so timely). I sang my heart out and then, still not finished ironing!!! I put on Essential Women in Blues and danced my heart out..then I decided to write this although I am sure anyone reading this would have been happier if I just kept dancing and didn't sit down at my computer!
I am pretty sure I have referred to my landlady and her husband as Charlotte and Caru. Ancy has repeatedly asked where I got the names. When I arrived those were the names I heard. Well their names are Salgadu and Rajapasksa. No wonder they never turn around when I call to them as Charlotte or Caru! Speaking of Sal as I now refer to her, yesterday she gave me a present of an oven..yes an oven. The picture is next to this. It was actually the oven of Hannie who is the person I took over from here. It looks bizarre but actually it works. You put it on one of your two gas grills and it bakes. I haven't mastered getting the temperature right but I did make chicken last night with my own concoction of SL spices and no oil and it was great.
Some of you have been concerned that I have given up my collecting of beautiful things like chickens and folk art paintings. Be assured, I have not. Last week I bought a rooster plate and at an outdoor art show a folk art painting by an 89 year old who sold it to me..he was amazing.
I have not been wallowing in rumination on the state of the world this week. I have actually been much too busy since discovering a green algae type substance was growing all over the two filters in my water purifier. It was a great decision for me whether to find out how to get rid of it and if the water would again be pure or keeping the pretty green stuff and adding the fish I have been wanting for a fishtank!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
mostly work..
I am so funny. I am chuckling to myself as I realize, here I am saying I am being in the moment, well yes being here in Sri Lanka and not in the US in my head, but what am I thinking about when I become conscious? I am thinking about how I can't wait to go to Colombo tomorrow! Those who have been reading the blog might remember that I couldn't wait to leave Colombo to get to Badulla. Then, my perspective was let me start my wonderful new experience in Badulla, now my perspective is I can't wait to buy a decent set of sheets and meet my friends at the shops! I think that is so funny to realize (again). What have I missed of my life in these last few days?!
Today most of the nurses, the OT, SWs, the attendant staff, Ancy and me, went to the home of Mahendra, the nurse who is leaving, to bring a baby gift for his 4 month old! So we all arrive, it is a tiny rented house, not much different then the houses of a lot of patients we go to on home visits. So we take off our shoes and go into his living room. Everyone sits down, chats a bit, food is put out, we all get up and help ourselves, we all eat, some people outside or in the bedroom. After eating everyone gets in a line to get to the sink and wash their own dish. Then dessert is served in similar fashion. Meanwhile, I have been taking pictures here and there and say when we are finished we can take a group photo. No one says anything. After dessert, rapidly after dessert, one, two then almost all the staff stand up and leave! No gift has been presented, no chit chat, coffee or tea, hanging out..no, the Sri Lankan way is: come, eat and leave!
I don't know if I have talked about the houses here. I shall in greater detail some other time but for now I can say the walls don't come up as far as the roof and the roof is usually tin. There are few doors on openings. almost everyone has a two burner stove top, few have ovens. Sometimes there are windows but then there is an opening at the top which let's the mosquitos in.
For the last month I have been going weekly with Mahendra and another nurse on home visits. This is for patients who don't come to the clinic to get their medication so we go to them and give them Modicate (Prolixin injections) and whatever other medications. I did talk about this before. It is actually wonderful that this is done. Most of the patients live on the tea estates. Tea is grown on steep hills and mountains and has to be picked regularly; very, very hard work. There is a lot of poverty, alcoholism, spousal abuse, suicide. Ancy has an idea to train the few health workers who are on the estates in clinics to know a bit more about mental health so this is something we shall work on. What I wanted to share though is a bit of what it is like to get to some of these people. The other day we drove (we now use an ambulance for transport) to a location, we walked up a hill to the railroad tracks, we walked for some time on the railroad tracks, we got off them and walked down into someones backyard. These lovely people live with a 90yo mother, her daughter, sister, kids etc. These people served us tea and cookies. need I tell you were the store might be. We then walked back up to the train tracks, back along them, walked up hill to another home with a 90 year old father and the rest. I thought we should fix the two 90 year olds up, they were so lovely and so young and vibrant. The problem is that one is Buddhist and the other Hindu. oh well... We then tried to get to another woman who I have met before on the estate and couldn't get to her because every lousy dirt road on that estate is being fixed at the same time and we couldn't get to the top where she lives. This means that she will have no medication for a month...
I am just telling you everything that comes into my mind because I shall be away almost a week and shall not have an opportunity to write. Also obviously I feel better and am overwhelmed with projects to do having just found out that most of the attendants on the ward asked to leave and we got 6 new ones, never worked in psych before, the one attendant who is staying is the one that pushes and shoves patients so I am anxious to get them together in a group and talk before too much influence happens the wrong way. By the way, I cannot thank you who read my blog enough, for all your wonderful ministrations to me and have saved them all should I need choochkeying(?) again! Anyway what I wanted to tell you is a continuation of telling you how frustrating it is to never know what is being said and I get so annoyed. So I now know that the nurses are frequently talking about me, if they like what I am wearing, the fact that I have 2 earrings in one ear and one in the other, what I should do with my hair etc. So several times I have asked what they are talking about and they vaguely say something about my smile or face or something. Today I said in my tell me already fashion to let me know what else is said about me and Laxmi said essentially to stop worrying because they are talking about how pretty I am, my smile. So I know this is just a stage they have to go thru, getting to know me and pick me apart until there is trust but I think they should just take their time about it!!!
Today most of the nurses, the OT, SWs, the attendant staff, Ancy and me, went to the home of Mahendra, the nurse who is leaving, to bring a baby gift for his 4 month old! So we all arrive, it is a tiny rented house, not much different then the houses of a lot of patients we go to on home visits. So we take off our shoes and go into his living room. Everyone sits down, chats a bit, food is put out, we all get up and help ourselves, we all eat, some people outside or in the bedroom. After eating everyone gets in a line to get to the sink and wash their own dish. Then dessert is served in similar fashion. Meanwhile, I have been taking pictures here and there and say when we are finished we can take a group photo. No one says anything. After dessert, rapidly after dessert, one, two then almost all the staff stand up and leave! No gift has been presented, no chit chat, coffee or tea, hanging out..no, the Sri Lankan way is: come, eat and leave!
I don't know if I have talked about the houses here. I shall in greater detail some other time but for now I can say the walls don't come up as far as the roof and the roof is usually tin. There are few doors on openings. almost everyone has a two burner stove top, few have ovens. Sometimes there are windows but then there is an opening at the top which let's the mosquitos in.
For the last month I have been going weekly with Mahendra and another nurse on home visits. This is for patients who don't come to the clinic to get their medication so we go to them and give them Modicate (Prolixin injections) and whatever other medications. I did talk about this before. It is actually wonderful that this is done. Most of the patients live on the tea estates. Tea is grown on steep hills and mountains and has to be picked regularly; very, very hard work. There is a lot of poverty, alcoholism, spousal abuse, suicide. Ancy has an idea to train the few health workers who are on the estates in clinics to know a bit more about mental health so this is something we shall work on. What I wanted to share though is a bit of what it is like to get to some of these people. The other day we drove (we now use an ambulance for transport) to a location, we walked up a hill to the railroad tracks, we walked for some time on the railroad tracks, we got off them and walked down into someones backyard. These lovely people live with a 90yo mother, her daughter, sister, kids etc. These people served us tea and cookies. need I tell you were the store might be. We then walked back up to the train tracks, back along them, walked up hill to another home with a 90 year old father and the rest. I thought we should fix the two 90 year olds up, they were so lovely and so young and vibrant. The problem is that one is Buddhist and the other Hindu. oh well... We then tried to get to another woman who I have met before on the estate and couldn't get to her because every lousy dirt road on that estate is being fixed at the same time and we couldn't get to the top where she lives. This means that she will have no medication for a month...
I am just telling you everything that comes into my mind because I shall be away almost a week and shall not have an opportunity to write. Also obviously I feel better and am overwhelmed with projects to do having just found out that most of the attendants on the ward asked to leave and we got 6 new ones, never worked in psych before, the one attendant who is staying is the one that pushes and shoves patients so I am anxious to get them together in a group and talk before too much influence happens the wrong way. By the way, I cannot thank you who read my blog enough, for all your wonderful ministrations to me and have saved them all should I need choochkeying(?) again! Anyway what I wanted to tell you is a continuation of telling you how frustrating it is to never know what is being said and I get so annoyed. So I now know that the nurses are frequently talking about me, if they like what I am wearing, the fact that I have 2 earrings in one ear and one in the other, what I should do with my hair etc. So several times I have asked what they are talking about and they vaguely say something about my smile or face or something. Today I said in my tell me already fashion to let me know what else is said about me and Laxmi said essentially to stop worrying because they are talking about how pretty I am, my smile. So I know this is just a stage they have to go thru, getting to know me and pick me apart until there is trust but I think they should just take their time about it!!!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
continuation of the last one...
I don't know if I shall ever post this, but I am getting myself more fully right now so had to write it down. I might as well do it here. I am feeling this sick feeling inside, sickness that I feel when if I cry it will release it, sometimes it stays with me and I get depressed but I won't let that happen at this point in my life. What I think it is is a giant temper tantrum! I still seem to hold onto grandiose ideas about who I am and what I should be doing. I can feel like a fraud knowing that I really don't know a lot of actual, factual stuff. I bluster a lot. People are telling me how brave I am, how I am doing this and that but in my heart I know that I am protesting being here at this placement in Badulla because I do not feel qualified to write and present trainings and make slide shows and things like that. I actually think that my suggestions to the VSO office that people who have written wonderful trainings be allowed to publish them and we all use the same ones throughout the country is a great idea. I think we are all reinventing the wheel over and over but I also know I am a good talker but not an educator and my mind goes blank when trying to think of things that should be said in such a forum and I therefore want out of being seen as inadequate, and honestly I don't want to do it! I have always said I am lazy. On the other hand I can't seem to let myself just sit around observing and seeing where my input, in my way, may be useful which is what I have been advised to do. On the other hand I really do think one volunteer is quite enough for Badulla. I volunteered to feel like I might be of some service and that would be better served in a place like Jaffna where all these poor refugees from the war are still suffering. On the other hand I am probably just being grandiose again as a defense against feeling inadequate! It is somewhat confusing but I think I get it. I felt much better a few minutes ago when I got an email from one of the other volunteers who is in Cameroon who appreciated something I did and I thought, yes, that is who I am, that is what I can do by example is truly hear and care about what people are trying to say only I can't understand them because I don't speak their language! I am going to publish this because it is honest and where I truly am.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
My funk...
I have had a bit of a funk this week. I think it is partly feeling some confusion at work or around work for VSO, feeling lonely, and just the time. I decided I could hang out and feel really shitty which I did a little or I could try to take some action. I of course have my little Buddhist and other sayings up on my wall that tend to get me back on track and I also decided to call some of the contacts Hannie, the person who I replaced, had made. So I called Shabby who was one of her friends from the Lions Club. It so happened that that night was the annual Lions Club dinner and ironically she had met Hannie exactly two years earlier at this event! So despite the fact that I was to meet her at 7:45pm (practically my bed time), I put on my prettiest outfit (thank goodness because it was practically a formal affair), called a tuk tuk and met Shabby, Kevin and their two kids at this do. It didn't take me out of my sadness but it was quite an exposure to the richer side of Badulla. The saris where unbelievably beautiful. Have I mentioned that women here do not wear makeup, don't shave their legs, that almost all women wear their hair long and pulled back? Anyway, I was glad I went. I feel better now, somehow just letting each day be what it is. I find I must plan something for the future, a trip even if for a day, it helps.
In the last two days I found out that the Consulting psychiatrist Dr. K is leaving to go back to Australia. Also Mahendra the only trained psychiatric nurse who also is the main translator for me is leaving to move home to Galle. This is huge because everything depends on the support and approval of the psychiatrist in this system and I am already at a huge disadvantage not being able to speak the language to the staff, now it will be even harder. The nurses are really trying to use as much of their english as they can and we have been doing not too badly. Dr. K said to expect only little changes and that over 2 years it has improved. Oh well, this is minor compared to so much in the world that is really awful.
What do you think of this font? My cousin sent an email in it and I thought, wow, I can do that. Today I was supposed to have my hair henna' d. I don't particularly care but one of the nurses insists it will take years off so we headed out looking for a beauty parlor that could do it. We couldn't find one actually. It was odd but they only have black henna or tint, neither of which I wanted. I did decide a few days ago however that I needed to make some food I could have in the fridge for whenever and so I made pickled beets and onions and was able to share this american dish with my landlady who is always sending up food and with one of the nurses who also made me my favorite dish, Sambol. So my beets are called beet curry and served with the other curries at breakfast, lunch or dinner..who knows.
Here is one of the issues here, aside from feeling terrible because I never know what anyone is saying and those who know me know that would drive me up a wall since I want to know everything, all the time; people don't quite tell you the truth, they don't lie but they sort of tell part of a story or maybe they accidentally get a tense wrong and so they say something is going to happen and it doesn't or they think maybe they will do it a week from yesterday or whatever. It drives me mad. I have a feeling it is an Asian thing because even Ancy who tells me she doesn't like this does it! We all laugh a lot though, Mahendra says terrible about almost everything from a very minor event to a major trauma so of course we all walk around saying terrible, terrible all the time.
My camera is almost fixed, it was fixed and then unfixed but hopefully tomorrow it will be fixed. I can't wait, there are so many great pictures I see as I walk around. Did I tell you that this is the noisiest place I have ever tried to sleep. I am not bothered by a baby crying or usual night noises. I have barking dogs that can go on all night, various religious recordings, seems to be a combination of Buddhist chanting, Hindi and Muslim chanting, other animals cavorting, and very early on the birds, dogs, chanting and other varieties of things. Sometimes it is deafening, no kidding and I am practically surrounded by king coconut trees, papaya trees and other glorious things!
It's Saturday morning here and I got an email from my sister letting me know that Margaret DeP., probably the last of my parents really old friends (Rudy DeP and my father were friends since they were 10 years old in Roxbury, Ma.) had died at the age of 99. I feel very sad. There are many reasons to feel sad, the loss of someone I truly loved (my favorite childhood memories are of going to Rudy and Margaret's and their twins, little Rudy and Margaret and Uncle Brother (Rudy's brother, the priest), cooking lobsters, eating great meals, getting presents like giant pink piggy banks, but mostly the amount of love in that house and when we were there it extended to us. So, that is a reason to feel sad, I kept saying I was going to visit Margaret and little Margaret, the only ones left, for the last several years, and I didn't. I think her passing represents so much in terms of my parents and my life, so many reasons for sadness. I started wondering, what do people here in Sri Lanka do with feelings like this? Do they acknowledge them, do they talk about them? Do they get depressed, hospitalized or what. An interesting thing happened on Ward 12 this week. A patient who was admitted with mania several weeks ago and discharged in good shape a couple of weeks ago, was readmitted. She seemed fine to me. I kept asking various staff why she was back. They answered me but not real answers, they said her husband was an alcoholic and abusive and she was here for that reason. I kept saying he should be here, not her. I must have asked 4 staff before one of the doctors finally explained that she has been admitted at her request so that our social worker can go to the home and talk to the husband and let her separate. They are doing this to help her socially live a better life! I think that is amazing. So what am I here for, I can't improve on something we wouldn't even do at home. I know similar cases in the US and people, family, got no help from the system we have!
While I have been writing this a friend Skyped me and then my landlady and her husband came to the door to offer me food tomorrow night and ask for a favor, meanwhile I am soaking my clothes I am washing and then my other neighbor came up to see my home and my friend was no longer on Skype! Life can be so different from moment to moment as can moods. I can only be in the moment, sometimes it's terrible, sometimes it's fine, it always is something.
In the last two days I found out that the Consulting psychiatrist Dr. K is leaving to go back to Australia. Also Mahendra the only trained psychiatric nurse who also is the main translator for me is leaving to move home to Galle. This is huge because everything depends on the support and approval of the psychiatrist in this system and I am already at a huge disadvantage not being able to speak the language to the staff, now it will be even harder. The nurses are really trying to use as much of their english as they can and we have been doing not too badly. Dr. K said to expect only little changes and that over 2 years it has improved. Oh well, this is minor compared to so much in the world that is really awful.
What do you think of this font? My cousin sent an email in it and I thought, wow, I can do that. Today I was supposed to have my hair henna' d. I don't particularly care but one of the nurses insists it will take years off so we headed out looking for a beauty parlor that could do it. We couldn't find one actually. It was odd but they only have black henna or tint, neither of which I wanted. I did decide a few days ago however that I needed to make some food I could have in the fridge for whenever and so I made pickled beets and onions and was able to share this american dish with my landlady who is always sending up food and with one of the nurses who also made me my favorite dish, Sambol. So my beets are called beet curry and served with the other curries at breakfast, lunch or dinner..who knows.
Here is one of the issues here, aside from feeling terrible because I never know what anyone is saying and those who know me know that would drive me up a wall since I want to know everything, all the time; people don't quite tell you the truth, they don't lie but they sort of tell part of a story or maybe they accidentally get a tense wrong and so they say something is going to happen and it doesn't or they think maybe they will do it a week from yesterday or whatever. It drives me mad. I have a feeling it is an Asian thing because even Ancy who tells me she doesn't like this does it! We all laugh a lot though, Mahendra says terrible about almost everything from a very minor event to a major trauma so of course we all walk around saying terrible, terrible all the time.
My camera is almost fixed, it was fixed and then unfixed but hopefully tomorrow it will be fixed. I can't wait, there are so many great pictures I see as I walk around. Did I tell you that this is the noisiest place I have ever tried to sleep. I am not bothered by a baby crying or usual night noises. I have barking dogs that can go on all night, various religious recordings, seems to be a combination of Buddhist chanting, Hindi and Muslim chanting, other animals cavorting, and very early on the birds, dogs, chanting and other varieties of things. Sometimes it is deafening, no kidding and I am practically surrounded by king coconut trees, papaya trees and other glorious things!
It's Saturday morning here and I got an email from my sister letting me know that Margaret DeP., probably the last of my parents really old friends (Rudy DeP and my father were friends since they were 10 years old in Roxbury, Ma.) had died at the age of 99. I feel very sad. There are many reasons to feel sad, the loss of someone I truly loved (my favorite childhood memories are of going to Rudy and Margaret's and their twins, little Rudy and Margaret and Uncle Brother (Rudy's brother, the priest), cooking lobsters, eating great meals, getting presents like giant pink piggy banks, but mostly the amount of love in that house and when we were there it extended to us. So, that is a reason to feel sad, I kept saying I was going to visit Margaret and little Margaret, the only ones left, for the last several years, and I didn't. I think her passing represents so much in terms of my parents and my life, so many reasons for sadness. I started wondering, what do people here in Sri Lanka do with feelings like this? Do they acknowledge them, do they talk about them? Do they get depressed, hospitalized or what. An interesting thing happened on Ward 12 this week. A patient who was admitted with mania several weeks ago and discharged in good shape a couple of weeks ago, was readmitted. She seemed fine to me. I kept asking various staff why she was back. They answered me but not real answers, they said her husband was an alcoholic and abusive and she was here for that reason. I kept saying he should be here, not her. I must have asked 4 staff before one of the doctors finally explained that she has been admitted at her request so that our social worker can go to the home and talk to the husband and let her separate. They are doing this to help her socially live a better life! I think that is amazing. So what am I here for, I can't improve on something we wouldn't even do at home. I know similar cases in the US and people, family, got no help from the system we have!
While I have been writing this a friend Skyped me and then my landlady and her husband came to the door to offer me food tomorrow night and ask for a favor, meanwhile I am soaking my clothes I am washing and then my other neighbor came up to see my home and my friend was no longer on Skype! Life can be so different from moment to moment as can moods. I can only be in the moment, sometimes it's terrible, sometimes it's fine, it always is something.
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